Further Reading

Transcript

EP 29

INTRO

Hello and welcome to Partly Political Broadcast episode 29. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week, to avoid overheating like Hillary Clinton, I am recording all of this podcast while only in my pants. Yes, it’s forethought like that that makes me wonder why I don’t run for US President too. Correct, it is because the thought of running for anything makes me sad.

Former Prime Minister and human red paint colour chart David Cameron has resigned as MP for Witney, probably because wasn’t a fan of doing a job would mean he’d have to speak face to face to several people whose lives he’s been ruining since 2010. Cameron, who during the EU campaign stated Brits don’t quit, has now even U-turned on that, quitting his second job in a year, presumably unaware that won’t look good for his job seeker’s application. His reasons for leaving are that he doesn’t want to be a distraction, meaning it’s highly likely Theresa May will be announcing she’s paid Richard Branson several billion to open Soylent Green factories across the North of England. Cameron’s resignation will of course trigger a by-election allowing another Conservative MP to ignore Witney’s constituents for yet another decade.

Allotment lover who’s lost his plot Jeremy Corbyn has now been Labour leader for one whole year and depending on who you speak to has either destroyed the party forever or brought it back from the dead, which might explain them being such a zombie opposition to the Conservatives for the last 12 months. Meanwhile his leadership challenger and unintentional Alan Partridge impersonator Owen Smith said taking on Jeremy was comparable to how he woo’d his wife, saying that he had to beat off 1200 schoolboys to get her. Which sounds very much like an afternoon Keith Vaz would’ve enjoyed. Apparently there were 1200 boys and only 3 girls at his school and despite that, he found and fell in love with his wife. I’m not entirely sure how that’s like a Labour leadership contest, but I assume it means that out of 1203 voters, 1200 won’t be remotely interested, and of the other 3 only one will actually like him enough to commit to voting for him.

Beating Owen Smith in brain fart of the week was disgraced disgrace Conservative MP and disgrace Liam Fox, who stated at a Conservative Way Forward event that British businesses were fat and lazy due to previous successes and that UK exporters are too focused on going to the golf course to sell their wares overseas. You can see why, as Liam Fox is Secretary of State for International Trade and meant to be promoting British business abroad in light of Brexit, he’s angry with keen golfers as he clearly wants to be the one to give the country a massive handicap with his constantly below par behaviour. Being a Brexiteer Fox does seem to think that Britain will get what it wants from any global trade deals, while completely ignoring what other countries want to do. So maybe he means ‘being fat and lazy’ as a compliment to British business, thinking that like his fat and lazy self, it’ll mean traders will have to come to us. Unfortunately its far more likely British trade will die of a coronary first thanks to all the crap Liam Fox keeps feeding it.

As I say every week, thanks for listening to this show because without you it’d be pretty pointless doing a podcast when I could just shout my weekly ire at a grapefruit with a face drawn on it instead and that’s how rumours start. Once again if you do enjoy this show please do let me know, otherwise I will just assume you are all grapefruits with faces drawn on and then will spend a large amount of time wondering how grapefruits download things off the internet and trying to work out if to make it more appealing to you the show needs more segments and zest. You can contact me through various internet methods or by thinking hard enough during the witching hour. Also if you haven’t already given this show a review on iTunes please, please do as it does really encourage other grapefruits to listen too and if you’re opposed to doing that please do spread the word about the show, perhaps whispering it as you go past grocery stores or the fruit section at the supermarket.

Also if you like this, please do check out my latest stand-up comedy special ‘The World’s Full Of Idiots, Let’s Live In Space’ which you can now download or stream for £3 from my website www.tiernandouieb.co.uk. It has jokes in it about politics, racism, climate change, space and one really really terrible pun that I’m very pleased about.

On this week’s show I speak to Mark Avery about climate change and his petition to ban driven grouse shooting, I’ll be looking more at the future of the Labour party, clue: It’s more Children Of Men than the Jetsons, and there’s a brief look at the US Presidential election campaign. But first:

GRAMMAR SCHOOLS

Education Secretary and a woman who constantly looks like she could eat metal piping Justine Greening has announced the governments plans for a ton of new grammar schools in England. Because what better way to encourage voters than to disappoint most of their children. As well as making sure loads of 11 year olds end up in tears due to pressure and rejection, Professor Stephan Gorard from Durham University said that evidence states that any appearance of an advantage given to children who attend grammar schools is outweighed by the disadvantage for those who do not. The institute of financial studies also said they increase inequality and with grammar schools having greater selectivity, it means state schools will take in children with lower abilities, ultimately get lower results in national tests and be told they’re failing, shut down and turned into an academy. Former Prime Minister, MP and lead replicant David Cameron said back in 2007 that grammar schools were an issue that would show whether the Tories were now an ‘aspiring party of government’ or a pro grammar ‘right wing debating society’. I guess with their aspiration reached and no one to debate against, they’re happy with the latter.

Universities will be expected to sponsor a state school or set up a free school as a condition of them charging higher fees. Presumably secondary schools will be in charge of primary schools, primary schools in charge of nurseries and a ton of babies will have to co-manage some maternity wards. Faith schools will be able to allocate 100% of places based on faith, rather than the 50% they did before. Which does sound terrible for a secular society with a growing atheist community, but at the same time, if children grown up to believe there a higher power than Theresa May exists, then maybe, just maybe, they’ll actually have some hope in life.

7 DAY NHS IMPOSSIBLE

Hospital bosses have warned that the NHS is at ‘tipping point’, which doesn’t sound good. I mean things must be bad if we’re going to have to start leaving 10%-15% in change for staff after an appointment. Due to increased demand, the closing of services, the cutting of staff and rising costs in supplies the current state of the system could lead to shutting down more services and increasing charges amongst other things. With Brexit also possibly causing a further decrease in staff the possibilities of a 7 day NHS as Health Secretary and John Carpenter’s re-imagining of Beaker Jeremy Hunt is insisting happens, are becoming more and more slim. Ironically if underfunding continues to happen, there may well be the weekend effect that Hunt insisted already exists. It’s like an even more boring and far more depressing version of Field Of Dreams. ‘If you dismantle it, no one will come.’ If anything, maybe the only way to fix it is if we do all start to leave tips….

PARLIAMENT REPAIRS

I’ve always known parliament needed fixing, but a parliamentary committee report says that the mass repair job the Houses of Parliament need will cost £3.9bn and that MPs will have to relocate between 2022 and 2028 for the work to be done. Really this should be an opportunity to relocate entirely to a working building, one that can actually fits the amount of MPs the UK has in it. Maybe one that isn’t based in London so MPs expenses would cost less? Or maybe we just let them move location every month on a shitty bus, with a different MP having to provide sandwiches each time? Either that or give the £3.9bn to the NHS which is in desperate need of it, and let the MPs continue to sit in the Houses of Commons as it collapses on them. An actual dissolve of parliament would be great TV.

INTERVIEW PART 1

We are once again approaching the season where it is annual tradition for parts of the North of England to stage it’s own version of Waterworld but with a constantly decreasing budget. MPs parade around in wellies and rain coats telling people who now live in a giant muddy bathtub that they will do some flood prevention while instead the last government actually cut flood defence spending. While the prospect of seeing just what colour wellie boots Theresa May has is exciting, or if she’ll just ride around on the back of a giant shark that she controls by speaking in it’s tongue, one thing that would actually make a difference is a ban on driven grouse shooting.

What is a grouse? Is it an angry mouse? Why are people driving them around so they can shoot at things? How much water can one grouse soak up? Well this week I spoke to environmental campaigner, writer and avid bird watcher Mark Avery all about climate change and his petition to stop driven grouse shooting and he explained all the answers to, well, none of those questions, but instead to actual real ones that make sense.

Oh and this week:

EXCUSES EXCUSES

Ha! Fooled you! No excuses this week! It was over Skype and it sounds pretty damn ok. I hope you all feel very proud of me and again huge thanks to Mark Struthers who made it sound even more alright.

Right, here’s Mark Avery….

We’ll get back to Mark in a minute, but first….

LABOUR

For any young people that listen to this, you might not remember, but the opposition used to be the party with the second largest number of seats in the House of Commons, who used to actually challenge and oppose things the government did. I know I know, that’s sooooo 2008. Yeah I understand, get with it granddad, now of course it’s either a party that for 7 years just broadly agreed with the government and enjoyed having no identity at all, or a bunch of people who seem to think it’s more fun to oppose each other, lead by someone who thinks its too aggressive to oppose anything. It’s almost as though they’ve never heard of ‘united we stand, divided we waste 7 months pissing about while the Tories punch the poor and eat the NHS.

I’ve voiced my opinions on the Labour leadership on this podcast more times than the show has listeners – that’s right, twice – but I feel it’s important to point out, with the leadership election results being announced on September 23rd, that it’s worth pointing out that the party is in crisis regardless of the outcome. Yes, I know that’s the cheery sort of section you want in a weekly satirical podcast. Next week I’ll be hoping you all smile as I report on which bunkers are best to build for the apocalypse. But I think that there is a lot of anger, finger pointing and blind hope from supporters of both Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith and let’s face it, hope only gives me less to talk about on this show, so strap in, mostly just for health and safety reasons. I’m not going to go over every single gaff either leadership candidate has done as I don’t want this week’s show to be a week-long episode. So here’s just looking at an labourious oversight. See what I did there? Sorry.

So firstly, let’s look at, what is widely reported to be the case, what will happen if Jeremy Corbyn wins the leadership election again because, you know, he’s unelectable. The Labour Parliamentary Party will refuse to work with him properly, speaking out against him in the press, causing further uncertainty in the party from voters and blaming him for everything from things he’s actually done to the fact that the bus was late or someone on Twitter posted a smiley poo emoji incorrectly. The party’s rating is at an all time low making it a really unfun party like the one you went to at school but none of your friends were there and but you weren’t getting picked up till 10pm so you just eat crisps and looked at walls. They are currently trailing by 11 points under the Conservatives and whether it’s distrust in Corbyn and his continuous bad choices which is a large part of it, or dismay at a party that can’t hold itself together which is also a large part of it, this probably won’t change unless Marty McFly goes back in time and kills the Queen of England so no one has to sing the national anthem ever again. With all of this, a Corbyn victory could cause the party to split, presumably becoming a The Labour and Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour where they just do the bits he wrote. This would allow the PLP to have the most seats and ultimately become opposition, but they won’t have the members who voted for Corbyn and will suffer from a huge lack of funding, making campaigning much harder though they may retain many donors who dislike Corbyn. Corbyn’s side of the split won’t have the seats so would become a minor party but would probably keep members. Either way, the Conservatives would still have no real opposition for 2020.

JACKPOT NOISE

If Owen Smith wins which is unlikely, mostly because his mouth is quicker than his brain and when it does move it cheers on whatever dogshit the mouth just did before apologising. If he wins, Labour could lose the large amount of new members who backed Corbyn, again, losing them lots of funding. In an IPSOS MORI polls, Owen Smith only scored 7% in people thinking he was an impressive MP & PM worthy, compared to 35% for Theresa May, so not hugely popular with the general public either. Corbyn scored 0%. I mean really, Theresa May has the charm factor of a hyena wearing an ironic T-Rex tshirt despite not knowing who they are, before then rips your face off, so neither Labour candidates are doing well. Smith’s comments on refusing to Brexit or having a second referendum means he won’t stand well with those who voted to Leave which is 17m people. And while 1.2m people say they now regret that decision, it’s not known exactly how many of those are Conservative or Labour voters so hard to say if it’d make any difference. Though chances are we won’t have left by 2020 anyway so it won’t really matter. Corbyn’s comments on not staying in the single market means he won’t appeal to most Remain voters, many of whom are Labour supporters so that doesn’t work in reverse. Smith, with his ‘austerity is right’ bantz would also not appeal to those who voted for Corbyn due to wanting a change from Labour under Ed ‘defeated by a sandwich’ Miliband or Gordon ‘tired walrus’ Brown, and it’s very much that centrist stance that meant Labour were a just a light, half hearted version of the Conservatives in 2010 and 2015 anyway, causing them to lose. However, the PLP would give Smith their backing so they would stay as a mostly united party. Just one that won’t win in 2020.

JACKPOT NOISE

But here’s the really important bits. Regardless of who wins, they have to get Scotland back on side, which is hugely unlikely to happen ever since Labour stood with the Conservatives on the Independence referendum and if another independence referendum happens it definitely won’t be likely. But in the last election Labour got 232 seats to the Conservatives 331. The SNP took 56. So even if by some miracle, all the SNP seats went to Labour, they’d still be 43 seats short of winning. So that means they need swing voters to come on side. And no, sadly they aren’t people who enjoy playgrounds. Although to be fair, that’d also be creepy if they were old enough to vote. Look forget everything I said.

Proposed Boundary changes by the government, announced formerly this week, would get rid of 50 seats like the world’s meanest ever version of musical chairs, with each area being formed of 71,000 to 78,500 constituents. 30 of those are expected to be Labour seats that would be lost, while Conservatives would lose less than 15 and you realise the song they’re using for musical chairs is The Rains Of Castermere. Not only that but up to 200 Labour seats will be affected because they currently have fewer votes than the new quota, meaning the boundaries would be moved to take in voters from other, possibly more suburban, rural voters who’d be more likely to vote Conservative, changing the balance. If they go through, Corbyn could lose his own seat, meaning he’d either have to take someone else’s that had now merged with his, or step down as an MP. Or you know, share a seat but only have one buttock on it and that’d really hurt after a while. Ok ok that isn’t a thing, sorry. Add to that the changes to the electoral register that knocked 1.4m voters off the register for 2015, many of them suspected to be Labour as they were largely in student or urban areas.

Also take into account that while still Chancellor George Osborne announced Short Money cuts. Short Money sounds like an gangster rapper from the late 90’s, but is money given to opposition parties from the treasury, to assist in meeting costs. Osborne said he would be cutting this by 19%, though it is still to be discussed in the commons. But if it does go through, it’ll add to the money Labour have lost from many of it’s donors leaving, and the £5m bill for it’s EU campaigning, something that the £25 membership cost to vote in the leadership election nearly covered for them. Which does make you wonder if actually they all just do get along but realised that there’s no better way to get people to pay up than a pay per view scrap.

So how to tackle a lack of funding and an impossible amount of seats to gain. Well either you concoct an evil plan than involves throwing a fox hunt where you put the fox on a speed boat in the Atlantic and watch the entire Tory Party drown as they chase it into the sea. Or you form a coalition with other left wing and centre based parties, like the Green party or Liberal Democrats and call it LabGreeDem, or GrebourRal or any other character that will probably be in the next Star Wars film. A recent Opinium poll of more than 2000 people in August showed that they mostly classed themselves as centre more than left or right, so a coalition might be the only way. Though those were 2000 that were around during the day and answered a withheld number, and probably enjoy Homes Under The Hammer so I’m prepared to not entirely trust it. Unfortunately those are exactly the sort of people who also vote. But either way a coalition is something Corbyn has already said he won’t do if he’s leader again.

Or you come up with an actual opposition plan and try to work something out so that people who are suffering from 6 years of austerity actually see you as a credible alternative which is the sort of discussion the party should have, uniting to back whoever becomes leader in a few weeks. But why do that when you can shit on your own doorstep? And again, I tragically suspect the name Labour will come to refer to just how much bloody hard work it is for them to get anything done. Yes I’ve said that joke a lot on this podcast. It’s very laboured. HA!

And now on that cheery note, back to Mark….

INTERVIEW PART 2

Huge thanks to Mark for the chat. You can find Mark on Twitter @MarkAvery, or his website
Markavery.info. If you’d like to sign his petition you can find links to it on both of those and Mark’s latest book ‘Inglorious: Conflict In The Uplands’ all about grouse shooting is available from all places that do books. I mean sell books. Don’t go into a bookies and ask. That will confuse them.

I’m now back to needing guests for the show so please do send any suggestions my way via the Twitter @parpolbro, the facebook group or partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com and let me know who you’d like me to fire questions at. Or you know, just ask them, which is a lot less aggressive and more likely to work. If I start killing off guests with some sort of question gun, I’ll probably get in trouble.

US ELECTIONS

The global political version of a ‘Would You Rather?’ with no comfortable or preferred answers, the US election, is rolling on. Over the last two weeks, information has surfaced that racist blister Donald Trump both illegally donated money via the Trump Foundation to a political group in 2013, but also that many of his charitable donations aren’t actually from his money, but instead either gave away other people’s money pretending it’s his own. Trump hasn’t given a donation via the Trump Foundation himself since 2008, as any after that were donated by others to the Foundation and he’s passed them of to other charities as his own. Then there’s several donations that Trump said he made, where the Foundation never actually passed on the money including a veterans group who Trump held a telefon for, raising $5m, but the group only ever received a $1000 donation. Which is both horrific and something we’ve all thought about doing with charity donations but then realised oh wiat, I’m not the worst human being on the planet and avoided it. On the anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy Trump also repeated that he helped out at Ground Zero when witnesses at the time say this is bullshit, and instead there is footage of him on WWOR-TV news boasting how now the Twin Towers are down, Trump tower is the tallest building in New York which is not only sociopathic but also the most pyrric victory you could ever have. Like Steven Baldwin boasting about being the best Baldwin but only because all his brothers suddenly died.

But none of this matters because Hillary Clinton was ill at the 9/11 tribute, claiming she was overheating, like a robot might. She then fell slightly, like a robot might and her team revealed she has pneumonia which robots can’t get, so smart move them. What this does all mean is that Clinton has unintentionally played into all Trump’s nonsense which he’s been spinning for a while about Hillary not being well healthy enough to be President. One of Trump’s spokespeople said she had brain damage and even with a doctor’s report many of his supporters think she isn’t fit enough for the job. And yes, that’s despite the fact that Trump constantly looks like he has severe jaundice and all pictures of his doctor make it look like he’s been treated by someone who dressed up as a doctor so not to get detected in the hospital when stealing meds.

Unfortunately the idiots now believe Hillary isn’t healthy enough to lead and timing wise this incident followed Clinton making the mistake of saying that half of all Trump supporters are deplorable which while completely true, won’t win any fans. Like the US version of Gordon Brown’s bigot gate when he called a woman a bigot because she was a bigot and everyone said that was wrong despite constantly wanting everyone to be honest about what spades are.

So now both candidates have to provide information about their health and the world can only hope that DNA tests prove Donald Trump is actually part orang-utan from Indonisia and can’t qualify to be president at all.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

This week, skin wrapped around disappointment Liam Fox called British businesses fat and lazy, despite it being his only fucking job to promote us to the world post a Brexit that he helped cause. I honestly think if a slug crawled into a hessian sack with a mouth on it & moved around a bit, it would be a better Secretary of International Trade, and human than twice disgraced MP Liam Fox. So I asked you, the people, for a slogan Dr Fox – yes he is actually a doctor – could use to promote British trade in his well known lack of style.

‪@VlizzeeRascal ‬‬‬‪Sep 11‬‬‬‪‬‬‬‬
@ParPolBro Trust me I’m a doctor.‬

‪@clownf1st ‬‬‬‪Sep 11‬‬‬‪‬‬‬‬
@ParPolBro I’m too fat and lazy to answer this question‬

‪@beaubodor ‬‬‬‪Sep 11‬‬‬‪‬‬‬‬
@ParPolBro Golf Is For Wimps.‬

‪@BigSexyNeil ‬‬‬‪Sep 11‬‬‬‪‬‬‬‬
@ParPolBro Britain meh.‬

‪@Lordaldo ‬‬‬‪Sep 11‬‬‬‪‬‬‬‬
@ParPolBro need a special advisor to help you with your business? I know the very fellow!‬

‪@ed_son ‬‬‬‪23h‬‬‬‬
‪23 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ Don’t be fat and lazy, fraudulently claim expenses like crazy.‬‬‬‬

‪@MatthewGPearce ‬‬‬‪20h‬‬‬‬
‪20 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪Swindon, England‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ *share a bedroom with your lover; score a hole in one; just please don’t mention golf*‬‬‬‬

‏‪@mattbcooper‬ ‬‬‬19h
19 hours ago
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ “I can’t believe it’s not better”‬‬‬‬

‪@EthanDLawrence ‬‬‬‪18h‬‬‬‬
‪18 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ “I mean… Pfft. I dunno. We’re pretty keen I guess… Wanna see my stamp collection?”‬‬‬‬

‪@flufflogic ‬‬‬‪19h‬‬‬‬
‪19 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ Please, They Have My Family‬‬‬‬

‪@beaubodor ‬‬‬‪19h‬‬‬‬
‪19 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ No-One Likes Us, We Don’t Care‬‬‬‬

‏‪@beaubodor‬ ‬‬‬19h
19 hours ago
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ Does exactly what it says on the bus*‬‬‬‬
*Subject to change without notice‬

‪@CorporateGorila ‬‬‬‪19h‬‬‬‬
‪19 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ British business – playing to your tune. If you hum it, with Liam at the helm we sure as hell can fiddle it.‬‬‬‬

‪@gibbymcdibby ‬‬‬‪19h‬‬‬‬
‪19 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ Fuck it, you’re not getting a slogan. It’s Friday and I’m on the golf course. Just buy British shit yeah? That’ll do. #lazyanswer‬‬‬‬

‪Jacob Johannsen /react-text ‬‬‬‪react-text: 45 /react-text We’re selling everything, and we’re easily duped!‬‬‬‬

‪@gibbymcdibby ‬‬‬‪19h‬‬‬‬
‪19 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ “Buy British, I certainly did when I was revealed to have over-claimed by more than any other MP in the expenses scandal”‬‬‬‬

‪@TheAshPreston ‬‬‬‪11h‬‬‬‬
‪11 hours ago‬‬‬‬
‪@ParPolBro‬‬‬‪ I’m Liam Fox, and trust me when I say I spare no expenses promoting UK International Trade.‬‬‬‬

END

And that’s all for this week’s episode of Partly Political Broadcast. Don’t forget to review us on iTunes, or contact me via @parpolbro, FB or GMAIL, maybe even just to let me know what type of grapefruit you are. Also do grab a copy of my stand-up special ‘The World is full…’ £3 from my website. Once again thanks to Mark Struthers for his sound editing and I’ll be back next week when it’s highly likely that Liam Fox will have called a French Minister a cheese eating surrender monkey before saying how only idiots leave the EU.

This week’s episode was brought to you by the number £3.9bn and the words ‘let’s turn parliament into a giant water park’.

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