Further Reading

Transcript

Ep67

Hello and welcome to Partly Political Broadcast episode 67. I’m Tiernan Douieb and like Foreign Secretary most well known for his role as Sadsack in the Raggy Dolls children’s show Boris Johnson, I too believe public sector pay rises could be achieved in a responsible way. By responsible way I mean the government taking some responsibility for the public sector and just raising pay rather than being total dicks about it.

Yes last week the Conservative government and their new buddies the DUP voted against a Labour proposed amendment to the Queen’s Speech on lifting the public sector pay cap. While people do often joke that the government are out of touch, I had no idea they weren’t even aware what year it is. Deciding against giving a decent wage to emergency workers in 2017 is like the officials of the city of Atlantis deciding as it plummeted into the seas ‘actually I think we’re ok for lifeguards atm tbh’. While it’s not unusual for a governing party to vote against an amendment for the Queen’s Speech, the cheer given by MPs as it was rejected was not just rubbing salt in the wound but then insisting a nurse sees to it while still waving her paltry pay packet in her face. There have been growing calls since the vote to scrap the cap, even coming from Boris Johnson, in a move that I like to call ‘why didn’t you just vote for the amendment a few days ago you massive pile of uncooked dough with hair?’ Meanwhile the Queen is getting a £2.8m increase in pay for the next year, which sounds pretty sweet for her considering she doesn’t even have to read whatever balls is handed to her in a speech next year. But actually, imagine receiving that many pictures of your own face with you looking younger? Harsh.

Labour MP Chuka Umunna’s amendment to ensure the UK stays in the EU single market was also rejected because if a snap election going wrong can’t derail shitty Brexit plans, how exactly would that? Still a few Labour MPs voted for it, as they represented strongly remain constituencies, and were made to resign or be sacked from the frontbench prompting some to accuse Corbyn of being a Hard Brexit loving dictator while others said Umunna was a traitor for pushing the amendment anyway, knowing it would fail. Ultimately the only real loser is nuance. Oh and Labour. Again.

Secretary of State Damien Green has said that the Conservatives need to ‘change hard’ to win over young voters. I’m not sure how trying to put your trousers on the wrong way round while in the dark will help that. Meanwhile Michael Gove jumped straight into action wooing possible young voters with his defence of why tuition fees are needed. According to Penfold it’s because it’s unfair for people who don’t attend university to pay to support those who do. Similarly I don’t benefit from anything Michael Gove ever does ever so I’d really like my taxes to stop paying for him to constantly act like a pulsating flesh wound.

Lastly it looks like Donald Trump may try and visit the UK with as little notice as possible to avoid protests. Though judging by his current capacity for keeping secrets, there’s every chance he’ll tweet ‘Stupid UK has no idea I’m visiting in three days, what losers’ making sure he’s greeted with appropriate ire. Sean Spicer has ruled out Trump visiting within the next two weeks but that could well mean he’s already here. This came just a day after the President Of America and only recorded blobfish on land, tweeted a video of his World Wrestling Entertainment appearance with the CNN logo superimposed over the head of his opponent, with the hashtag #FraudNewsCNN. If he thinks CNN is fake news, threatening it with staged wrestling footage is like trying to scare the imaginary monster under your bed away by telling it faked moon landing theories. Still maybe we can deter him from visiting the UK by sending him a video of that man in Newcastle punching a horse in 2013, with Trump’s face superimposed over the horse’s arse.

Hello you. It has been, and I’ll say this very quietly incase someone hears me and ruins it, it has almost been a quiet news week. I know I know. I’m sure that by the time you’ve heard this something awful will have happened like Trump visiting the UK under cover of dark and becoming sewn into a human centipede with Boris Johnson as the two headed mop beast stumbles around the capital trying to grab at people’s privates. Or something like that. But until then, treat this week’s show as a temporary breather. There is of course still content on this show, but before I get to that, a big thank you to Joe Avison for donating to the Patreon and also for querying my blurted out cost of fitting sprinkler systems to all tower blocks as £1.3bn. I usually fact check everything but I didn’t fact check that properly and it seems it’s more like £4bn depending on exactly how many blocks already them, and where the councils buy the sprinklers from. Judging by the past year it might just be a ton of Panda Pop bottles that you have to manually fill up with water and squish a bit if a fire happens. So apologies for that and I do appreciate being called out on it. If you’d like to donate to the Patreon you can do that too at patreon.com/parpolbro or for a one-off donation head to ko-fi.com/parpolbro and trust me, I’ll accept almost any fact correcting or criticism if accompanied by sponsorship. I’m hoping somewhere a Conservative MP is writing to me complaining about the amount of times I’ve said something horrible about them, while singing off on a £1bn deal. I’d still say horrible things about them obviously, but I’d just do it on a much better microphone.

Live gigs news things. If you are one of the people who listens to this on the Tuesday it comes out then tonight I am at the Black Box Theatre in Belfast with Bec Hill and we’re then both at Mason’s Comedy Club on Thursday in Derry too. Those are both Edinburgh previews and no, my show still doesn’t have an ending. But it might do by Thursday. Emphasis on might. So please come along to those if you can. Then the rest of the month I’ve got previews in Darlington on the 19th, Cambridge Comedy Festival on the 22nd, Neath on the 23rd, Masham in Yorkshire on the 25th and the Balham Free Fringe on the 29th. And this podcast will be taking a break after the 24th of July because I just won’t have the time while at the Edinburgh Fringe in August though if I manage to corner any politics types while in Scotland I’ll endeavour to put out some one off interviews over the summer. Unless the Trumpson beast thing happens then I’ll quit my solo show and follow it around till it’s killed by the army.

On this week’s show there’s a chat with my pal at the Fire Brigade Union Leigh Pickett, and I’ll be looking at the a few of the things that came up in the passing of the Queen’s speech last week and of course, as it stumbles on every lurching headfirst towards smacking into a brick wall, Brexit. But before any of that, let’s start with a bit of this:

HEADLINES

The only way someone would be more suitable for the job of Northern Ireland Secretary instead of James Brokenshire would be if there was a Conservative MP called David OhGodWhyIsThisSoHard or Susan IJustDontKnowWhatToDoItsSuchAMess. The deadline for a power sharing agreement has once again passed and once again the DUP have blamed Sinn Fein and Sinn Fein have blamed the DUP in the sort of exchange of words that shows you just why this is all so tricky. Among the reasons as to why an agreement couldn’t be made include the DUP’s opposition to a bill allowing same sex marriage which is weird as I thought they were unionists, and Sinn Fein wanting an Irish Language Act despite only 3.7% of the population speaking Gaelic. Though it’s entirely likely the DUP’s inability to agree to that is to do with it not being called Straightlic. Brokenshire told the UK parliament that time is short, which is what he said back on March 27th. You wonder if he’s ever successfully got his kids to school on time or if they’re fully aware if he tells them to hurry up they can avoid getting ready for 3 months. If no agreement is made in the next few days then it may go to Westminster to give authority for expenditure of NI government departments. At the moment as there is no devolved government, there is no one to pass a budget, meaning that may be up to Westminster too via an appropriations bill which is direct rule in all but a name. Things either need to be sorted out by 12th July when Marching Season begins, making political negotiations too hostile, or they’ll have to wait until after summer. Until then, Northern Ireland is essentially without a government. Oddly, I’m almost jealous.

Currently on the list of necessary takeovers on media mogul and barely animated prune Rupert Murdoch, is the 21st Century Fox takeover of the 61% shareholding of Sky that it doesn’t own. This is of course just beneath ‘the power of the sun’ and ‘full control of all western governments’. The decision of whether or not a man who’s previous company was accused of hacking the phone of murder victims families should be allowed full control over a mass international broadcaster was up the Culture Secretary Karen Bradley, a woman who’s only experience of culture was probably a pub quiz question about yoghurt types. OfCom the Communications regulator stated that the Fox deal to take over sky raised ‘serious questions’ about the concentration of media power in Britain. It seemed Bradley interpreted one of these questions to be ‘who can I fob this headache off to’ as she then passed the decision as to whether or not it can go ahead to the Competition and Markets Authority. A clever move in that it means Bradley can continue getting confused at theatres, while the Murdoch family can keep supporting the Conservatives as they’ve not done anything to block their takeover bid. Meanwhile the Competition and Markets Authority now have the fun job of trying to work out whether they block the bid due to Fox’s history of sexual harassment allegations and aggressive right wing partisanship or you know, let it go through because no one remembers the phone hacking anymore and really SkyFox sounds cool.

A quick update on Grenfell. Housing Minister and roundest head in history Sajid Javid told the commons that everyone who lost their home in the fire would get a temporary home within three weeks. I assume he means somewhere to live until permanent accommodation can be found, rather than a caravan. He also said that there will be no prosecutions of anyone illegally subletting flats at Grenfell Tower, as they just need to know now who was living there. Police say the final death toll now won’t be known until the end of the year which is extremely hard for families. Javid also stated that 181 buildings have now had their cladding tested and all of them have been deemed unsafe. This statement comes after the resignation of the Kensington and Chelsea council leader Nicholas Paget-Brown on Friday who decided he should step down after he shutdown a council meeting once he discovered he couldn’t stop the press from attending. Nothing looks more honourable than not stepping down during a horrific fire you have almost certainly played some part in, but instead quitting after a hissy fit because he can’t now have an ‘unprejudiced meeting’ without the press. By ‘unprejudiced meeting’ he probably means one where he discusses escape plans and how best to get a fake passport.

The government also appointed a judge for the inquiry on Grenfell Tower and they chose former court of appeal privy council member Martin Moore Bick. Bick’s history include deporting a foreign robber despite his children living in the UK, deciding that kicking him out overrode the human rights convention guaranteeing a right to family life. He also ruled that Westminster council could rehouse someone 50 miles away, a case that was later overruled by the Supreme Court because he had not asked any questions aimed at assessing how practicable it would be for the family to move out of the area.’ Yeah so little regards for human rights, a lack of asking the right questions. Sounds perfect for the Grenfell case right? The only person less appropriate would be an arsonist or Nicholas Paget-Brown. Sir Martin Moore-Bick has already said it’s doubtful that the inquiry will be as wide ranging as residents want it to be, which is reassuring eh? I’m concerned that it’ll end in 6 years time with a conviction for a faulty fridge and the land being cleared for a new luxury high rise. Survivors of the fire have submitted 12 demands to the Prime Minister including withdrawing Sir Martin Moore-Bick from the inquiry, having a diverse expert panel sit alongside a more appropriate judge and making sure the interim findings will be made public within four months. Hopefully this will have some impact and a meaningful inquiry can begin with Sir Martin Less Bick.

INTERVIEW

Without the emergency services the UK would be a very sorry place. Not only would the UK be a den of crime and pointless deaths but also no Fireman Sam, Line Of Duty or Doctor Who. Despite how necessary they are, all sectors at the other end of a 999 call have come under cuts since 2010. There are 19000 fewer police than in 2010, there is a shortage of paramedic workers and the fire brigade has suffered more cuts than Ken Hom’s chopping board. With the past year of awful events, it feels hard to know quite what it would take for the government to appreciate and fund them properly bar an attack from Godzilla. Even then they’d probably just accuse critics of trying to politicise the situation before insisting on a travel ban for lizards.

During the Grenfell Tower fire it became even more evident how important fire fighters are, yet since 2010, 10000 frontline jobs have been cut with stations, engines and equipment being cut too. The fire service don’t just deal with fires or cats up trees, but also floods, traffic collisions and much more. So unless the government’s plan to save money is just to reduce the population via lack of disaster prevention, then their cuts to the fire brigade and the pay cap freeze really aren’t useful when it comes to the safety of the public. It’s a sad world when the emergency services are now in need of saving.

This week I spoke to Leigh Pickett, a liason officer for the Fire Brigade’s Union and a serving firefighter for 21 years. I met Leigh a while back when he organised some comedy gigs for the Fire Brigade Union to raise awareness of the cuts, and I did some stand-up in front of a fire engine on the Southbank alongside Mark Thomas and Russell Brand. I’ve been in contact since and Leigh has been an active campaigner against the reduction of the emergency services for several years. He was able to tell me all about how the cuts to the fire service need to be rapidly extinguished.

Here’s Leigh:

LEIGH INTERVIEW PART 1

We’ll be back with Leigh in a minute but first, a few necessary facts and bits of info after last week’s Queen’s Speech passed in the Commons. So….

FACTS AND INFO, INFO AND FACTS. WHAT IS A FACT? IT’S SOMETHING PROVED TO BE TRUE. GREAT, THANKS FOR THE INFO. NO THANKS TO YOU. FACTS AND INFO, INFO AND FACTS.

Two big stories emerged from the debates on the Queen’s Speech in the commons last week. Sadly neither of those were about Labour MP Stella Creasy getting her amendment passed so women from Northern Ireland no longer have to pay for abortions in Britain. An important amendment and that no means Northern Irish women that need to make that journey will only have to encounter the terrifying emotional stress of getting a return flight on Ryanair and nothing else.

No the two big stories where the rejection of the amendment to lift the public sector pay cap and the rejection of Chuka Ummuna’s amendment to ensure Britain stays in the single market. Pretty easy stuff, as with the first, the Tories are awful and the second, Labour are a confused mess, right? This politics lark is easy eh? Except there is more than meets the eye with both of these, unlike Now You See Me which exactly as shit a film about illusionists as the poster makes it look.

The first one, is a bit how it looks. It is shitty of the government and the DUP to vote against the public sector pay cap but it is unusual for the government to vote for amendments to the Queen’s Speech they’ve just passed, which makes Stella Creasy’s amendment passing even more exceptional. But you know how it is, you spend ages scrapping your own manifesto, clawing together some sort of shit to reach the deadline, you finally get an old rich lady to read it out and then suddenly someone wants to add bits to it? Fuck that. This of course doesn’t explain nor justify why they couldn’t just have had a change of heart to want to seem vaguely decent in the eyes of a public that currently has little regard for them or why various MPs laughed when it was rejected. It’s probably just instinct. You know like how hyenas laugh before they kill something? But rejecting it as part of the Queen’s Speech doesn’t mean it won’t happen with cabinet ministers saying the five year freeze may be reconsidered and rumours suggest it could be part of the Autumn Budget.

Pay rises for public sector workers are set by independent pay review bodies, and are supposed to rise in line with inflation and living costs, but they were capped at 1% in 2013 and haven’t budged since. The teaching profession has since pay drop by £3 an hour, and police officers by £2 an hour. That’s in real terms as it’s quite hard to work them out in unreal terms. It’s something like twelve unicorns per minotaur biscuit. That’s how it works right? Sorry. Nurses wages have stagnated for ten years. Yes some people in the private sector may have been hit worse by austerity, as crappy arguments by idiots go, but the government can actively change pay for public sector workers, many of whose jobs support or save lives. With moral dropping in many of these areas and recruitment of nurses, police and firefighters at a low, lifting the pay cap might help.

The issue is the cost of lifting the pay cap. The Labour Party have said it would cost about £9m, a figure backed by the Institute of Fiscal Studies and the Office of Budget Responsibility. To fund this would mean a tax rise somewhere as well as higher national insurance contributions from somewhere. Labour were planning to fund this, had they got into government, by raising tax on those earning more than £80k. Something that all the papers kicked off about as it’d affect the ordinary person. You know, all those ordinary people that earn over £80k in their lucrative shop floor or cleaning industry jobs. Either that or to fund it would take some sort of rethink on how the government insist on paying off the deficit via austerity. Boris Johnson and Micheal Gove aka TweedleArse and TweedleTwat have both stated that neither of these things need to be done and the cap can just be lifted because they overheard where the magic money tree is kept during the DUP negotiations. I mean, they are both experts right? We now that by their record of not listening to anyone else and clearly achieving so highly in everything they do like failing the country or being casually racist during diplomatic visits. So now the government are in the tricky position of either keeping the cap which is less and less popular with the public, especially after the recent heroic efforts of the emergency services. Or they max a £6bn tax raise from somewhere which also won’t be popular. Or they admit Labour have done all their calculations correctly and really now for the rest of us, the best thing to do is grab some popcorn and watch as they find the best way to eat themselves like a giant rich sea cucumber.

Now the second one, is Umunna’s amendment to demand the government’s guarantee that the UK will stay in the EU single market. Firstly, it’s worth remembering that the Labour manifesto states ‘Labour accepts the referendum result and a Labour government would put the national interest first.’ True you could argue that the referendum result really isn’t in the national interest but hey, let’s not climb down that tunnel of despair just now, as it’s pretty much all I’ve been doing for the past year of podcasts. A few lines later it states ‘We will scrap the Conservatives’ Brexit White Paper and replace it with fresh negotiating priorities that have a strong emphasis on retaining the benefits of the Single Market and the Customs Union’. Now I have no idea how you’d retain the benefits of the Single Market without being in the single market, but similarly you can’t Brexit fully unless you get out of the single market. Essentially the Single market is that partner you think you want to leave because it’s got boring but then once you go you’ll realise you will never find anyone as good as them but if you hadn’t you’d have never known how good or bad it could have been but hey it’s bad and all your friends were right.

But ignoring that, the Labour manifesto is to not stay in it, and that means Umunna’s amendment went against the manifesto and Corbyn’s three line whip to abstain on that vote. This means, as is parliamentary practice that all frontbenchers who voted for it, would resign of their own accord or be sacked as their views are no longer in line with that of the leadership. It’s pretty common practice. On the parliament.uk website it states ‘defying a three line whip is very serious and has occasionally resulted in the whip being withdrawn from an MP or Lord. This means the member is effectively expelled from their party but keeps their seat. Imagine how awkward that would be? Having to sit in a chair at a party you weren’t invited to.

So why did the MPs vote for it that did? Well mostly because they represent largely remain constituencies so not voting for it would mean going against the wishes of the people they represent which wouldn’t look great for the next voting times. The bigger question is why on Earth did Ummuna push the amendment forward knowing that it’d never pass against the Conservative majority nor a large part of the Labour party voting against it? Either it’s to make a point to the government what the interests of a certain amount of MPs and their constituents still is in regards to Brexit, though he’s been opposition long enough to know they don’t give a shit. Or it was to divide his party all over again? If the latter was his aim, Corbyn has now removed the hard remainers from his front bench making Ummuna’s hopes even more unlikely. Essentially he’s an idiot. Unlike Stella Creasy who did really well but everyone forgot because she did something actually clever that benefitted people which goes against the flavour of ‘Shoot Yourself In The Foot Month’ a tradition that started with the snap election.

And is Corbyn and Labour a bunch of hard Brexit Eurohaters? Well their ambiguous Brexit stance more than probably helped in the election. Shadow Brexit Secretary Keir Starmer has said Labour would pay for access to the Single Market which I guess could be an EEC member type situation. So while paying to be part of something we were already part of and paying less for seems stupid, I can’t help but feel it’s less stupid than telling everyone no deal is better than some sort of deal then sending in David Davis to keep asking where the toilet is in his worst primary school French.

And now, back to Leigh….

INTERVIEW WITH LEIGH PART 2

Big thanks to Leigh for chatting with me. He became a parent again just a day later so mega congrats to him and I’m very chuffed he had the time for our chat before that alarm went off and he was called to duty. He can be found on Twitter @leigh_pickett and the Fire Brigade Union is @fbunational and their website is fbu.org.uk. Do support your local branch if you can.

Next week I’ll hopefully have an interview with a political commentator in Northern Ireland as I’ll be there all week but after that, as always, if there’s anyone you’d like me to talk to or any subject you’d like me to find someone to talk to about, let me know. You can do that via @parpolbro on twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast group on Facebook, partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com or pay a pilot to sky write it across the horizon from their plane. Though judging by the weather no one would notice it in amongst the summer ruining clouds anyway, and birds can’t read, so I’d probably stick with email if I was you.

PPB Q OF THE WEEK:

Damien Green told the Bright Blue think tank that Conservatives must change hard to appeal to young voters, so for this week’s question of the week, I asked you, the listeners for recommendations of what they can do.

@PrincessofVP Change in phone boxes. Change by spinning around in a quiet corner when no-one is looking. Anything. Just change.

@jlsearle89 Join the Labour Party

@gibbymcdibby
Stop fucking the country up to sort out internal party feuds?

@bensonmic
Stop reading the Daily Mail.
‘Don’t Be Cunty’. A mandatory tattoo that comes with party membership, perhaps.

@_Cantus 19h19 hours ago
More
Hire Mr Tumble.

@mpc_1968 20h20 hours ago
More
Resigning would be a start…

@ed_son 19h19 hours ago
More
They could provide strong and stable leadership in the national interest.

@rainy101 18h18 hours ago
More

Put an air pump up Boris’ arse and use him as a bouncy castle.

@MiniMeier 17h17 hours ago
More
Change their name to Fast & Tory-ous

Richard Edwards Euthanasia?

Rob Skene I thought they already attracted youngsters, that’s why May lost that pedophile dossier… ?

Andy Zoidberg Walker How about a disco?
·
Paul Jenkins They need a catchy, slightly pointless slogan – like the phone companies. How about this one?
Be More Mogg
James Ross Pmqs to be done in the style of a rap battle

Matt Kinson Make Parliament like big brother and they all have to stay locked in. No cameras or anything, we just get on with shit

James Ross Rees Mogg double breasted suits to actually have two breasts on them
James Ross Creepy habit of calling Theresa May “Mummy” to be reinforced with her wrapped in bandages like an actual mummy
James Ross Rees Mogg to be next Doctor Who

Chris Purchase-Green Free pogs

Tatton Spiller Not sure what they should do, but here’s a leaked picture of Phillip Hammond getting ready for the Commons today

Brendon Hope Free Fidget Spinners

Another question next week! Check the twitter @parpolbro or the Facebook Partly Political Broadcast group for the question on Sunday.

BREXIT FALLOUT

A very sparse Brexit fallout this week with special attention paid to David Davis, the Brexit secretary and the definitive proof that humanity is not the most intelligent species. This week David Davis said that elements of his job negotiation Brexit, made landing on the moon look simple. Part of that might be that landing on the moon was all about furthering humanity and pushing back it’s borders David. But the main reason to pay attention to Davis is that according to his former chief of staff James Chapman, Theresa May has made the Brexit secretary’s job much more difficult with her insistence that the UK will also leave the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice. The issue with this is that the EU want the ECJ to have ultimate authority when it comes to disputes about money or rights of EU citizens in the UK. In theory this could mean the ECJ could be involved in the British legal order for 100 years as it’d be representative of any EU citizen babies living in Britain now because it’s nice to be optimistic about how long we’ve got before Trump nukes everyone. So May wants out altogether, the EU wants to protect the ECJ’s supervisory role over EU law, and really the only way to get past this and to get the Brexit ball rolling more is with an independent tribunal but that would require both sides to agree with neither getting what they want. Though if anyone has experience of having to deal with not getting what they want, it is Theresa May.

Meanwhile the EU budget commissioner has warned that Brexit is going to leave them with a budget shortfall of €10bn which means they either have to get new money in or start cutting money elsewhere. Or you know, just get a big bus with €10bn on it and that should fix everything right guys? Right? Ambassadors from larger EU states are currently looking into the possibilities of the UK not actually leaving the EU after all, which, let’s be fair, after the last few years, everything is possible. The recent Survation survey, one of the only ones accurate during the snap election, suggests 54% of people would now vote Remain, with 46% of people being over the moon that we’re currently the world’s worst performing economy, all the doctors and nurses are leaving and we can’t have any fruit. By over the moon, I mean, like David Davis, completely understanding what it takes to land on it, ignoring all information and shooting past it like an accidental Apollo 13 with no idea how to use the gravity of the situation take them back to where they were before.

This week have a guess:

WHO IS LEAVING?

Well again, not so much leaving as er, dying. And that’s right it could be…everyone in the UK as health economics consultants have said Brexit would push the UK to the back of pharmaceutical companies priorities so we’d probably get life saving drugs a lot later and more sparingly than the EU, US or Japan. Hooray at least we won’t have to live through the consequences of Brexit for long! This is of course only if we leave the European Medicines Agency which we probably will as it has the word European in it and that makes Brexiteers sad. I do wonder if we’d just renamed everything to be the Newropean Union or Blueropean that’d we’d probably not have Brexit’d at all.

End

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast. Thanks again for listening with your side head holes and don’t forget to sponsor the show on Patreon at patreon.com/parpolbro or ko-fi.com/parpolbro for one off payments. If you can’t afford to do that, please give the show a review on iTunes, Stitcher, podbean or on the Amazon reviews of Michael Gove’s Celsius 7/7 so it can sit alongside someone calling it the ‘nastiest book I’ve read in years’ or ‘utter tripe’.

Thanks as always to Acast for hosting the show and to my brother The Last Skeptik for all the musics. I’ll be back next week when there’s every chance Trump will have visited the UK silently at night only to then blame the news for not reporting it.

BYE

This week’s show was brought to you by the number 1 which is the percentage public sector pay freeze is capped at and also the percentage of people who avoid tax and therefore should really get told when they call the emergency services to go fuck themselves. ‘Fire brigade? Can come you come round, there’s a fire in my mansion.’ ‘Sorry sir we’ve checked your address and I’m afraid your nearest branch is in the Cayman Islands.’

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