Further Reading

Transcript

Episode 69

Hello and welcome to episode 69 of the Partly Political Broadcast! Yes this show has finally reached the comical number that doesn’t really work in a political world where brown nosing is more rampant. I’m Tiernan Douieb and I believe it was a misrepresentation when media reported that Prime Minister Theresa May ‘shed a little tear’ when she saw the election exit polls. Actually I’m pretty sure she used her robot arms to tear a little shed, in two, out of anger, like a reject Ghost in The Shell that’s even more disappointing than the recent one. Though sadly when it comes to the government, very much unlike the film, I wish they had been completely whitewashed.

Yes we have now had one year of Prime Minister May and the most the UK has achieved in that time seems to be the discovery that she has limited yet existing emotions. Despite this monumental discovery, her reign has mostly been highlighted by the chief auditor of the National Audit Office stating that May’s government have left hopes of a successful Brexit at risk of falling apart like a chocolate orange. An odd comparison as usually the only way to open a chocolate orange is to throw them at something or hit them with something large. Not only are they pretty sturdy, unlike Brexit negotiations, but also unlike Brexit negotiations, people like chocolate oranges and were Terry in charge of speaking with Michel Barnier instead we’d all be fairly relieved. Instead we have Brexit secretary and man who always looks like he’s just woken up in the garden after going to sleep in the spare room, David Davis. Davis has called for both sides in the negotiations to ‘get down to business on Brexit’ which sounds a lot like a euphemism for shitting all over it. Which judging by the last few weeks, sounds plausible. Foreign Secretary and first successful cross of a golden retriever with a large dull thudding sound, Boris Johnson, told the EU they could go whistle if they expected any so called divorce payments from the UK. The EU negotiator returned the ball in a way that would’ve made Federer weep like Cilic, by saying ‘ I don’t hear any whistling, I just hear the clock ticking.’ BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM! Two days later the government explicitly acknowledged they would pay an exit bill so we can only assume Boris meant it as the best way to signal him for when it needed paying up. To be fair, if they use a dog whistle to do it, I’m sure he’ll be there with promises of money in seconds.

Meanwhile Chancellor and suited Will-O The Wisp Philip Hammond said that public sector workers are overpaid. If he really believes that I assume he, as a public sector worker himself, will be taking a voluntary pay cut asap in order to give the money to a nurse or fire fighter. This is one of a number of stories about Hammond that’s been leaked to the press in what appears to be the beginnings of a new campaign for Theresa May’s replacement, which considering the choice that will probably be available, no amount of pre-emptive slurring could make it worse than it already is. The other Hammond story said that he’d mentioned that driving a train was so easy, even a woman could do it, a tale Hammond has since denied. Which is good as not only is that a hugely sexist thing to say but also a bold one for the Chancellor in a government who’s so constantly on the wrong track.

Former Prime Minister and flying shoe receptacle Tony Blair has made his quarterly public reminder that he still exists. While no one has asked for this, or particularly wanted it, I hear it’s actually just to keep various political impressionists in business which is a far more noble cause than what we all assumed which is just photobombing every second of calm in the Labour party, in order to ruffle things up again. Though at least photo-bombing is the safest manifestation of his preferred sport. This time he’s stated that Labour leader and human terrier Jeremy Corbyn could actually become Prime Minister. Yes Tony, that’s how democracy works. Any leader of any party could actually become prime minister. That’s how you did it. Remember? I look forward to him popping up in another 4 months to say something about how it’s possible that a dog could win Britain’s Got Talent. Blair also reckons, based on chats he’s had in the EU, that some European leaders could compromise on Freedom of Movement. I wonder if this is on the basis that we promise to not let Blair leave the country again to bother them then the rest of us can do what we like?

In the United States of America, horror sequel Donald Trump Jr has stood up for political transparency in the way the way you might prove a glass door has transparency by walking into it face first and breaking your nose. Releasing emails before the New York Times could, DJT Jr tweeted copies of his emails ‘in order to be totally transparent’ between him and a British PR Rob Goldstone that explicitly stated he was to meet a Russian lawyer to get information on Hilary Clinton. But these emails also stated that the information he was hoping to gain are part of Russia and the government’s support for Mr Trump. And Donald Trump Jr posted that, on his own Twitter feed. Yep. You wonder if he’d have posted the so called pee pee video to prove that it didn’t exist or pics of him as a kid to prove he had a totally normal upbringing with clear images of Eric Trump eating human flesh in the background. It will be a bizarre turn of events if the only way to impeach Donald Trump from his presidency is via his son’s best efforts to support him. Trump defended his son, if you can call it that, by saying that Jr is a high quality person, which may explain why he’s so dense with constant buffering issues when trying to communicate.

President Of The USA and confused Edam ball Donald Trump was visiting President Macron in France over the weekend, with highlights including him looking baffled by a marching band playing Daft Punk hits. It must be confusing knowing Daft Punk are a French electronic duo and not just what people shout at him wherever he goes. Or perhaps he was just upset by someone else blowing their own trumpet for once. Trump said that he won’t be visiting the UK till May can guarantee him a better reception. It’s not our fault he insists still on using a shitty Samsung Galaxy S3.

Oh and news just in, Education Secretary Justine Greening has just announced n extra £1.3bn for schools with no indication where that money will come from other than efficiencies and savings within existing budgets. I wonder if they’ll just be scrapping all subjects and ploughing it all into teaching kids how to create money from absolutely nowhere.

Hello hello! What an exciting week eh? A female Doctor Who, which is great news and so nice that a show that can travel all over time insists on progressing forwards. My only concern is if dickheads keep finding more and more tv to boycott due to their own prejudices, they’ll eventually realise they can leave their mum’s house and go outside. I sort of worry if we should just make tons more sexist tv in order to keep them trapped indoors. Then of course there’s the return of Game of Thrones which is great as a bit of escapism. I love watching it and being immersed in a world where their political system seems more fair and less cut throat than ours does. Anyway, thank you lots for continuing to tune in to the show. This is the penultimate podcast for the summer as after next week’s show I will be heading to the Edinburgh Fringe to generally avoid nice weather and pay two amounts of rent. I’m sure there’s something else I’ll be doing…oh wait, yep, sorry, my show. My show Miserably Happy at the Waverley Bar on the Free Fringe everyday from the 5th to 27th of August, except 15th and 19th, and that’s at 2.30pm. Do come along. I’m feeling quite good about the show now and it definitely has jokes in which is what you want in amongst the ranty rest of it all about humanity’s failures. I have got some more previews before I head to the Fringe including Hilarity Bites in Darlington this Wednesday, the Cambridge Comedy Festival on Saturday on the top deck of a bus, yes really. I think that’s quite early at 6pm. Then on Sunday 23rd the Neath Comedy Festival which is also in the afternoon. The last two previews are Masham Town Hall in Yorkshire on July 25th and the Balham Free Fringe on July 29th which a fun and free event in Balham at the Bedford for the whole of that weekend with all free previews, and all donated money going towards the Edinburgh Free Fringe. I’m on the Saturday alongside some really great acts like Howard Read, Sofie Hagen, Trevor Lock and more so do pop along. All details for all those things are on my website tiernandouieb.co.uk/gigs or you know, constantly on my twitter feed or facebook page because I’m shameless.

Thanks to those of you who added some lovely and heart-warming reviews to the iTunes page this past week. It’s hugely appreciated and very much made my days. If you haven’t done that and would like to help promote this show to unsuspecting ears, please head to iTunes, Stitcher, podbean or your listening app of choice and give PPB a lovely 5 star review eh? It’ll be the only ones I get between now and end of August at the Edinburgh Fringe so it’s much appreciated. Also please do just spread the word about PPB in general and if you’d like to donate to this all happening, please head to www.patreon.com/parpolbro or ko-fi.com/parpolbro. Or if you’re up at the fringe or any of my previews feel free to slip me coin for this show with the phrase ‘I ran out of brown envelopes’. That feels appropriate for a politics podcast doesn’t it? If you have something that’d serve better for a PPB donation phrase lemme know at all the usual communication stations in the nation for your education.

One last bit of admin, in last week’s show I said that the number of university applications hadn’t fallen recently, then two days later UCAS released the figures for this year and they’re down by 4%. Either a ton of you are students, listened to the show and thought, nah fuck that I’m buying a tractor, or I’m starting to wonder if rather than the date of the show in the title of each podcast, maybe I should put an expiration date instead? I really really hope you’ve all bought big tractors. Lemme have a go yeah? Oh and I mustn’t forget, do you remember waaaay waaaay back in episode 29 when I spoke to wildlife campaigner and aptly named bird enthusiast Mark Avery about banning grouse shooting? Well he asked me to ask you, if you’re a fan of you know, other living things, if you can sign up to a Thunderclap called the Inglorious 12th, which is to highlight that the killing of the raptors that would feed on grouse, is illegal. The grouse hunting starts 12th August so they want to get this trending then. If you head to thunderclap.it and look up the project the inglorious 12th, please sign up. I’ll tweet the link and post it on the FB group too.

On this week’s show I’ve poached Maha Rafi Atal from the Talking Politics podcast to explain what’s happening in India at the moment, and there’s also Brexit things and my feeble attempt to sum up at least some of the current mess in the US that were they to make a Hamilton like musical out of it in the future, it’d feature mostly sad trombone noises while the cast repeatedly punch themselves in the face. But of course, before that, there’s some of this:

HEADLINES

Last week the government unveiled the Taylor Report. Yes I assumed it was just say ‘things have gone downhill since Shake It Off’ too but actually ignored the TayTay Swift altogether and was instead a review of modern working practices by former aide to Tony Blair, Matthew Taylor. And it focused specifically on the gig economy. Yet still no mentions of T-Swizz even though she’s done arena gigs. Seriously guys, get with it. Ahem, sorry. The gig economy as I know because I live in it, is a labor market with only short term contracts or freelance work. Aka self employment aka zero hours contracts aka no responsibility for the businesses for you aka you even try asking for holiday pay and you’ll get shut down. For me, that’s ok, as my job is to play a lot of different comedy gigs all around the world. If however you work for the same boss, every day, delivering overpriced food to ungrateful twats who can’t be arsed to stroll down the road, and nearly being mown down by road rage drivers on your way, you’re going to wonder just how free lance you are. While many recent businesses such as Uber or Deliveroo thrive on this much to the detriment of those who work for it, the Taylor report states those workers should be re-classified as dependant contractors with extra benefits. I’m assuming those are holiday pay and sick pay, not a friends with benefits type scenario in-case you feel horny and lonely between shifts. There’s currently estimated to be 1.1m people working in Britain’s gig economy, covering employment areas from accountancy to cleaning, plumbing and courier services, so removing exploitation and making these more viable areas to work in would help a lot of people. The report also recommends to the government that strategies must be put in place so workers aren’t just stuck on the national living wage, that the government needs to be accountable for a national strategy to provide good work for all, and that they should stop non wage costs of employing people, such as the apprenticeship levy, so companies can afford to take on people starting out in work.

Taylor also suggested that cash in hand work be phased out, as in stopped slowly rather than attacked with Star Trek guns. As a comic this would probably mean a longer wait for a lot more of my wages but at the same time, a smaller likelihood that I’ll spend it all on snacks on the way home because look how many Krispy Kremes I can buy with this wad of notes! But while most of the report sounds good, Theresa May hasn’t guaranteed she’ll be able to put it into legislation as she’d need cross party support for that. Currently, judging by responses from Labour, they are indeed a cross party as they don’t think Taylor’s recommendations will be enough. The shadow business secretary Rebecca Long Bailey said ‘if it looks like a job and smells like a job then it is a job.’ That’s a phrase I’ve been saying in a Scottish accent to myself with the jobby instead and it’s far funnier. But Labour think if a worker is being carried out on behalf of an employer then they should not be exploited as flexible workers. Which sounds fair. Theresa May said, when announcing the report, that ‘with good work can come dignity and self worth’ which is true unless you’re worth nothing, are paid nothing and aren’t even considered an employee throughout. Still on the plus side, if that is May’s belief that good work brings dignity and self worth, then she must be feeling proper shitty right now.

The Home Office have a new drug strategy which will target legal highs. You sort of wonder if the first step of that should just be to call them something else. I mean, even ‘illegal highs’ gets the message across better doesn’t it? It also looks at tackling Chemsex, or using substances as part of sexual activity. I don’t think that includes alcohol though so us Brits will still be able to breed. New laws were introduced last year to criminalise making and selling legal but not legal highs, and there has been a 2.5% drop in adults from 16-59 who take drugs, though part of me wonders if that’s cos with cost of living not as many people go out at the weekends and mosh their faces off because £2.50 for a bottle of water is ridiculous. But there is much to praise in the new strategy with drugs treatment campaigns and charities praising the big focus on recovery and rehabilitation, and there is a key point on helping prison officers help drug offenders recover in prisons. There is though, some evidence to suggest the best method would be decriminalising drugs, with countries like Portugal having a huge reduction in users, deaths and people injecting since doing so. But the home office aren’t that keen and to be honest, I don’t blame them, but only because calling them legal but formerly known as not legal but legal highs is a bit much mate.

You know the House of Lords right? Like a collection of wise elders if some of them weren’t that wise or that elderly but have a lot of cash and useful mates. Its like if Joe Wicks sat on the Council of Elrond and while everyone was trying to make important decisions about Mordor, he kept doing burpees and pissing everyone off. Anyway some of the wiser ones have written a letter stating that it would be dangerous for self aware scrotum Rupert Murdoch and Fox to acquire all the shares of BskyB as that’d give him access to Tv viewing, internet and phone records of 13 million households. They warn that if he used that for political leverage it could be very dangerous if used to create targeted advertising. I mean, judging by Murdoch’s record so far I’m amazed he’s allowed to do anything. He’d use Christmas cracker jokes and thought for the day on BBC Radio for political leverage if he could. 13 million households data by acquiring sky? What next? Wanting to acquire the actual sky probably. Well hopefully like in fillums, the elders in the House of Lords will warn a young warrior and he or she will be able to slay Murdoch with, I dunno. A custard pie didn’t work did it? Silver maybe? Holy water? Fingers crossed Ofcom will reject the takeover bid and we’ll all be saved.

INTERVIEW WITH MAHA ATAL PART 1

The old stereotypical reason for travelling to India is that people would go there to find themselves. But actually since electing leader of the Bharatiya Janata Party Narendra Modi as Prime minister in 2014, heading there now you’d probably find yourself just as angry about politics as you are anywhere else. Modi started the populist authoritarian fad two years before Trump or Brexit, and while on the one hand India’s GDP in 2015 made it the fastest growing economy in the world, on the other hand there is constantly rising inequality, pollution levels second only to China and a growing rise in Islamaphobia promted by Modi’s miltant Hindu views. On the plus side, as a result of that, it’s still the top holiday destination for cows.

So how are things for the people of India right now? Does Modi really look like an Indian Bill Oddie and doesn’t that make him more of a Goodie than a baddie? And why do we hear so little about all this in the rest of the world? Really coverage of Modi has been so slim in the UK that the last time he was in our papers was when Theresa May visited Delhi and the owner of Cobra Beer said she was economically illiterate. So this week I thought it was a good idea to speak to Maha Rafi Atal. Maha is the Editor in Chief of the Cambridge Review of International Affairs, and is also a current Phd student at Cambridge University researching the roles of multinational corporations as governing authorities in India, Kenya and South Africa. As well as all that, she is a journalist and I have regularly enjoyed hearing her political analysis on the excellent Talking Politics podcast. So I asked Maha what is going on in the most populous democracy in the world. Before we start a very quick:

EXCUSES EXCUSES

Despite everything sounding fine during recording, the track with Maha’s voice has an odd rattle to the end of her sentences. Now I’ve tried my best to fix it, but it’s impossible and I also don’t think it sounds too bad, especially if you just imagine she’s sitting in a room with a tiny percussionist. Which, let’s be honest, is how I wish all my interviews went. If only so someone could hit a cymbal when so the rest of you actually know when I’ve attempted a joke. So hopefully it won’t be too annoying and instead you’ll just enjoy the drum remix of what was a very interesting chat indeed.

Here’s Maha:

INTERVIEW PART 1

We’ll be back with Maha in a minute, but first:

PARTLY GLOBAL BROADCAST

You know when kids plead and plead and plead to be allowed to be in charge of dinner or having a party or a pet and you cave in and go ok, then within a few days the cat is dead or your house is on fire or everyone has to eat card and you realised, this definitely was a bad idea? That’s how the entirety of the US must feel right now with their current administration. Like a country sized Weekend At Bernie’s. Although at least half of the population didn’t approve in the first place and sadly the person who’s meant to be in charge isn’t actually dead just emotionally and intellectually.

Now I won’t pretend I’ve been keeping it with it all. Far from it infact as part of me keeps hoping Trump will either be impeached soon and then it won’t matter or someone will convince him that to be a successful President like George W Bush that he’ll have to choke on a pretzel and he’ll be found dead minutes later. But this past week has been remarkable in terms of news and so let me try my very best to break down what’s been happening. In the past week the New York Times got hold of some emails that showed the the imaginatively named son President of America and animated jelly baby Donald Trump, that’s right, Donald Trump Jr, like a cross between a stupid seal and wood varnish, they showed he’d set up a meeting with a Russia lawyer called Natalia Veselnitskaya to get information on Hilary Clinton that might be helpful to Trump’s presidential campaign. The NY Times had the emails ready to go on July 10th. It’s worth noting that before July 7th orange nightmare junior’s story was that he’s sure he met with people that were Russian but not in any specifically set up meetings, especially none while he was representing the election campaign. July 8th the meeting came to light and he said it was a meeting about a program on the adoption of Russian children, which is easy because they all just sit inside each other and you can stack them against a wall, then only July 9th he said it was a meeting with someone who said she had info about the campaign but he didn’t know who the person was, then on the 10th after he found out the NY Times were going to leak them anyway he panic tweeted all the emails in the name of transparency. These emails said specifically who the person was, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya, that he set up a meeting which happened to be just days before Hilary Clinton’s emails were hacked during the election campaign, and that the meeting, as mentioned by PR man Rob Goldstone, is part of Russia and it’s government’s support for Mr Trump. Now what would’ve been really smart is for Donald Trump Jr at that point to hold his hand up high, apologise for telling porky pies the last few months then give a proper account of what happened. No instead the Trump team all hailed him for his transparency and somehow a professional lying shit weasel is now the pariah of truth telling because he exposed his own bag of fibs. That’s like me if I spent the last two days squishing flying ants, said I definitely wasn’t doing that, then after finding out you had a video of me doing it, I released my own video of it and proclaimed myself to be king and protector of all flying ants. Which I wouldn’t because flants are awful.

Trump’s Russia connections are now so wide and so many with Russian bank loans supporting his work, previous plans to build a Trump tower in Moscow, allowing a Russia mobster to live in Trump tower, his former campaign manager Paul Manafort having secretly worked for a Russian billionaire to aide Putin’s government, and that’s not even getting to Michael Flynn, Jeff Sessions or the sheer amount of times Trump has said he has nothing to with Russia in a way that if he protested anymore I’d suspect he lives there and all we ever see is a holographic projection of him beamed in from the Kremlin. It would explain his odd colour and his fear of stairs. But looking at this past week alone, DJT Jr may have provided the most damning bit of evidence all by himself.

Now I should say that having this meeting doesn’t mean DJT Jr has done anything illegal, unless you can 100% guarantee that Trump Jr knew election law inside out and let’s face it, I’ve a feeling he’s the kind of idiot man who sees a missing advert on the side of a milk carton then opens it up to see if they’re inside. The meeting though, does prove that despite Trump denying Russia had anything to do with the election, his son was meeting with Russian officials during his campaign. Oh yes, sorry I should’ve said, it’s turned out that not only was Jr and the lawyer there, but also a Russian lobbyist, a Russian spy, a translator, PR man Rob Goldstone, Jared Kushner Trump’s senior advisor, son in law and just waiting to be played by Jesse Eisenburg in a film, Paul Manafort, and an eighth individual who’s not be named. Yes, that could mean it’s Voldemort. That’s a lot of Trump connections to Russia right there. If you played the Kevin Bacon game replacing Kevin Bacon with Russia and everyone else with Trump it’d be the world’s most boring piss easy game. The emails also discuss Trump Jr making a phone call to Emin Agalarov, who is the son of Aras Agalrov a man known as the Trump of Russia, which sounds like what I’d call an epic long fart that made a noise like a triangular Balalaika.

Jared Kushner lied, or forgot to add various meetings with foreign officials onto his SF-86 security clearance form necessary for working in the White House. He later added more than 100 meetings but not this one with DJT Jr and the lawyer. Why not? And that could and should cause him to have his clearance revoked immediately. And as I mentioned earlier, it may be nothing, but the meeting was for June 7th 2016, on June 9th Trump spoke a lot about national security to the press, and then on June 15th all the leaked Democractic papers stolen by Russian hackers appeared.

Now there’s every chance that’s all co-incidence, that the Trump’s are so dense they have no idea what’s going on. Or like several Trump supporting conspiracy theories that this is all an elaborate set up by Obama and his administration in order to knock Trump out of office. Which, if it were true, would mean that Obama was able to run a country while setting up a conspiracy theory that rigged an election and a conspiracy for the aftermath of that election which seems both pointless and a mark of talent. Or it could all be, and is very likely, very important signs that Russia were definitely involved with the 2016 US Presidential election. But will anything happen because of it? It appears not. Trump supporters think Donald Trump Jr leaking his own emails is somehow fake news. In fact they’re more worried about losing their health care which is a much bigger issue currently falling off the radar due to the past week’s mayhem. And that combined with his son’s secret meetings, means Trump’s approval ratings are the lowest for any president for 70 years and there isn’t a world war on this time round. But the Republicans are still backing him. So where to go from here? Well if there was Russia meddling which it looks like there was and lets face it, almost certainly was, then this is a tiny step forwards to unveiling it. Unfortunately with a complete lack of shame facedness, honesty or, I dunno, basic humanity from the Trumps themselves, the only way to race through the other steps is if Donald Trump Jr starts tweeting more evidence in the name of honesty, before the world explodes in the contradiction of him being both the demise and savoir of America all at once.

And now, back to Maha….

INTERVIEW WITH MAHA PART 2

Big thanks to Maha for speaking with me and I hope you found the audio ok. I entirely blame Skype. How dare they provide a service I don’t have to pay for which occasionally isn’t amazing? Bah! Anyway, Maha can be found on Twitter @maharafiatal and her website is maha-rafi-atal.com, and as I mentioned before you can regularly hear her on the brilliant Talking Politics podcast which is one of my weekly favourites and they have proper microphones and no tiny percussionists.

The people Maha recommended following on Twitter are: @amannama, @nicolaskoehler, @basharatpeer and Pankaj Mishra who is not on Twitter but writes regularly for the Guardian and the LRB.

Only one more week and one more guest before the summer break, but if you have any suggestions for who that should be, or what I should talk to someone about, or what to discuss on this podcast’s return, do drop me a line @parpolbro on Twitter, the partly political broadcast facebook page or partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could tie a message to a cat, make the cat smell something that you assume smells like me, and then let your cat deliver me the message but more likely, wander off and find someone else to live with who feeds it without tying stupid messages to it because it’s a cat and it hates that sort of thing. Best just to email really.

PPB QUESTION

For this week’s Q of the We, I asked you what sort of better reception could the UK give Trump if he visited? If he’s so concerned about an unwelcome party, what could we do to give the obscene tangerine weeble the greeting he deserves?

Rob Skene We could line up monkeys to throw poop at him as he passes.

Though according to Russian news sources he may like that.
Matt Kinson A giant strawlike trump effigy called The Thicker Man
James Ross He wants a better reception? I think we should put him behind five bars.
Emma Bridge With Boris Johnson’s water cannon. It’s not like they’re getting much other use.
Nik Afia I think we should just turn out the lights and pretend no-one’s home.
Andy Zoidberg Walker Toga Party! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!See translation
Chris Purchase-Green A wall across his runway

@budgie
Dunked in faeces (tell him honour is reserved for ‘the best people, the very best’; he’ll believe it.) then a trip on circle line. At night.

@magicdarts
Empty roads wherever he goes. Dust and silence, like the start of 28 Days Later. That’ll show the shredded wheat-haired arsehole what’s what

@MrJamesEwart
Static and interference

@themastersbeard
I think the whole country should go on holiday and just leave an out of office message…

@GraceM321
Like this (Queen flipping the bird)

@EthanDLawrence
London has pretty good reception all told. As could just throw our phones at him.

@Jonedwards7175
#showhimyourbuttocks

@MiniMeier
Massive banner saying “Welcome President Clinton!”

@chriis337
With streakers…many male streakers to frighten him back on that plane!

@bensonmic
A female Doctor Who!

@chronicleflask
By The Doctor pointing her sonic screwdriver at him, gesturing for him to get back in his plane.

@RealNeilTurner
How about a marching band playing a medley of Daft Punk tunes? And everyone reacts as if it’s the first time it has ever happened.

@stephenmcdaid
Napalm Death, live on the tarmac at Heathrow, blasting out a version of ‘Scum’ as soon as the plane dors open.

@beaubodor
Thousands lining the streets, all pissing in his general direction. A Gardyloo of Honour.

@superfurryandy
A wall around airforce 1

@AlexaDWilson
A mass tutting.

@rainy101
Katie Price singing live, with Morris Dancing in the background. Even I’m shocked at how cruel I can be.

@hammertimec
Direct him to the non-EU queue at the airport and ask him to join the back of the line.

@earlylatereview
A man dressed as a giant vagina that attempts to grab him as he steps off Air Force One.

Last PPB Q of the Wee before summer will be next Sunday so keep your eyes peeled for that on the facebook group or Twitter page. Not literally peeled. That’s disgusting and pointless. No one wants eye skin.

BREXIT FALLOUT –

Aside from the questions that arise with Brexit falling apart like a chocolate orange such as, are they also 10% smaller than they used to be, and seriously, why isn’t Terry doing this? It’s his bloody orange. Aside from those important queries, Amyas Morse from the National Audit Office was right. All the signs seem to be suggesting that nothing is going as planned although considering there wasn’t really a plan in the first place no one’s that sure. Nothing is going to unplanned. I feel like this should be our new national motto. Firstly remember all the blaming of project fear and scaremongering about Brexit hurting the economy? Well we haven’t left yet and the Office of Budget responsibility has warned that public finances are in a worse shape than pre-2008, and if we leave the customs union without some else in place we’ll be in so much doo doo we could export it as manure except we can’t because the system won’t be in place because we’re stupids. The customs union IT system doesn’t look like it’ll be ready in time for us to full Brexit, meaning up to £34bn of public income could be lost and if you’ve ever had a new IT system installed at your work you’ll know there’ll probably be another £34bn lost once it’s up and running and crashing every two minutes tell everyone realises you shouldn’t use it to check your eBay bids.

Then after months of insistence that the UK won’t have to pay a Brexit bill, comes the admittance from the government that we will, of up to and possibly over £80bn. And that we’re at the bottom of the EU growth league doing worse even than Greece and at least they knew enough about what they were doing to riot about it. Britain need to make transition plans but the EU won’t until other decisions have been made including the deal for EU citizens in the UK because the current one is shit but the UK don’t want to make a better deal till a transition phase is done. Yes it seems more and more like the Brexit we’re getting is one that means we’re losing our place as a big player, to become not even a small player in a big league but more an observer who bought a hotdog and all the ketchup went on our trousers. Then our team lost. There’ll be a more indepth guide to Brexit for your summer enjoyment next week.

END

And that’s all for the Partly Political Broadcast episode 69, tee hee hee. Thank you for lending me your ears, I hope you don’t add interest to that lending as otherwise I’ll have to return your ears with extra ear bits on and no one should have to ask where I got them from. If you haven’t reviewed the show, please do on iTunes, Stitcher, Podbean or using lemon juice on a bit of tea stained paper so only 8 year old spies can read it. If you’re going to the Edinburgh Fringe I’ll see you there or hopefully at one of the previews before hand.

And big thanks to Acast for hosting the show, and my brother The Last Skeptik for providing all the beats as always and trying to fix the interview audio to remove beats.

I’ll be back next week when Parliament will have broken for the summer, if it’s not too broken already and silly season asks ‘what exactly do I have to do to be sillier than the past 11 months?’

BYE!

This week’s show was brought to you by no numbers. Ok there was a number but I don’t know what it is. You know what it is? Ok there’s 4 numbers and I know all of them and I met with them but I’m only telling you that because I am the king of all the truths and the most honest guy ever.

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