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Transcript

PPB XMAS BONUS

Merry ChristmastervalFestivetimes to you Partly Political Broadcast podcast listeners! This is political Father Christmas here, aka Santa Clause 58 and I have travelled to you with my eight reindeer of 2017: Strong, Stable, MAGA, NewsFakey, Youthquakey, MeToo, Hacker and oh wait, where’s Brexit Impact Report? Brexit Impact Report? Brexit Impact Report? Hmm, odd, no sign of him at all. Hm.

Anyway I know you’ve all been so good this year listening to the podcast and continually hoping for a vague sense that democracy still exists and that’s why I’ve been making sure you’ve all been getting some of your gifts already! Yes, for those of you that had hoped someone in Parliament would finally be forced to resign because of lying, you’re welcome. I mean I would say that Damien Green being basically sacked due to inaccurate and misleading statements is a serious mark on his history, but judging by what else is on there, maybe not. He’ll be getting a fidget spinner from me for Christmas, with the hope it’ll keep his hands busy on something else. It did make me chuckle when Jeremy Hunt said that Green was sacked because he lied. Ho Ho Ho! If that’s true then all the cabinet should be gone by Christmas! Ho Ho Ho! Believe me I have tried to sort this out for some of you but with elves on zero hours contracts and no wage growth it’s been very hard to achieve. Still if Jeremy Hunt does take the position of First Secretary of State and uses his NHS managing skills for the government, they should be completely destroyed by February. Or worse, entirely owned by Richard Branson. Hunt by the way is being sent a full box set of the BBC sitcom Royle Family.

For some of you I did manage to get you a meaningful vote for MPs on Brexit too, you’re welcome. Yes a true meaningful vote of Christmas. Though it does look like Mrs May is going to make sure that vote is either have this terrible thing or don’t have anything which always seems to be her way of doing things. Which is why for Christmas I’m getting her a poisonous cane toad and if she doesn’t like it, she can’t have anything else. See how she likes it. Though I am slightly concerned she’ll just mistake it for one of her backbenchers. She is also getting some letter fridge magnets with several that don’t work and a bag of cough sweets.

As for the rest of your favourite and least favourite politicles, I thought I’d tell you what they’ll also be getting for this Christmas Day and I’ll let you judge if they’ve been naughty or nice this year. Spoilers: There’s a whole subplot that’s completely pointless. I mean, just a total waste of time. And it’s at least 30 minutes too long. Oh sorry, I mean spoilers, mostly naughty.

Let’s see Donald Trump, he said he wants to corner Mueller so I’ve got him one of those yoghurts, well if he will do such terrible handwriting with those tiny hands…then we’ve got Jeremy Corbyn, now I’ve got him some bath bombs for his fragrant terrorism and some solar panels so while he’s unlikely to be prime minister anytime soon, he can gain power next year. Boris Johnson is getting edible shoes so it’ll make the next time he puts his foot in his mouth a lot tastier. Vince Cable is getting a game of solitaire as he only seems to win things when no one else takes part. Priti Patel is getting an 18-30 holiday and yes those numbers dictate how many hours she’ll be working during it. Philip Hammond is getting a Puya chilensis plant as they take 15-20 years before any noticeable growth appears. Arlene Foster will be getting the same as British politicians but it’ll cost a lot more and she won’t be able to get rid of any of it early even if she wants to. I did tell David Davis I’m getting him lots of things that he wants but I’m not and I never said I would. And lastly Nigel Farage who now claims he is single and broke, he is getting exactly what he bloody well deserves, the torrid gobshite.

And that is all for now as I have to get all my documents for border control ready. You’d amazed how many times they attempt to shoot me down every year, then when I land I get all this ‘coming over here, giving presents to our children’ nonsense.

Oh and Tiernan said to tell you that some of you, if you’re subscribers, will get a little treat in the next few days but that he won’t post it up for long, and that if you haven’t already reviewed, subscribed or donated to the patreon or ko-fi please do. And yes it seems Patreon didn’t want to go on the naughty list this year so have gone back on their planned changes. Hooray!

I really need to get going. Just where is Brexit Impact Report? Oh. Thanks Hacker. What’s this bit of paper? ‘A reindeer is like a horse but not really as it has antlers. They usually eat grass and lichens and they are important to british society because they aren’t really.’ So so strange.

I do hope you have a rather spectacular Christmas and a very happy new year although let’s be honest, that feels a tad optimistic after 2017. And 2016. And really 2015 too. And you wonder why I only work one day a year and hide for the rest of it? Exactly.

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