Episode 122 – We Are All Bob – Brexit Deal, Our Future Our Choice, Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit

Released on Tuesday, November 27th, 2018.

Episode 122 – We Are All Bob – Brexit Deal, Our Future Our Choice, Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit

Episode 122 – Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit. There is nothing else but Brexit. Tiernan (@tiernandouieb) tries to not just scream into a bucket for another hour and instead looks at lots of things that may be irrelevant in about two weeks time. Plus an interview, yes about Brexit, with Lara Spirit, co-director at Our Future, Our Choice (@OFOCBrexit)

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THIS EPISODE IS TAGGED WITH: • Nigel Farage, OFOC, Our Future Our Choice, parpolbro, Partly Political Broadcast, Patreon, People's Vote, podcast, political, Political Agreement, politics, satire, Steve Barclay, Theresa May, Tiernan Douieb, young people

Transcript

Ep122

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the podcast that laughs in the face of politics only for politics to laugh with it, causing me to say no wait, we were definitely laughing at you. This is episode 122, I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Prime Minister and half woman half superglue accident Theresa May says she’ll campaign with heart for her Brexit deal, I want to know if she’ll keep it in the pickle jar its usually in or wear it round her neck like a squishy medallion?

May’s deal has been approved by all 27 EU member states, probably because they thought finally it’s payback time, we really want to see what happens in the UK if we kick start this shit storm. It only took them 38 minutes to sign off on because you know, there’s a lot of types of popcorn that you could choose to eat while watching and that takes some hefty discussion. It didn’t just take the possibility of heads of state laughing hysterically at us for years to get the deal agreed though, the past week has seen the Prime Minister bending over backwards or whatever her rigid equivalent is, I dunno, very slightly tilting to one side, to push it through. France and Germany demanded the EU reiterate that Brexit has consequences and stop the UK just claiming victory, which I mean have they met our Prime Minister? She’d blindly claim victory if this deal meant the UK give the EU all its money in return for a Belgian waffle for everyone. May would be at that podium in front of number 10 insisting Belgian Waffles and extreme poverty were what people voted for, before announcing some sort of waffle parade where thousands of people trudge down Whitehall in the rain while trying not to get chocolate sauce everywhere. Complaining that EU negotiator and man who always looks like he’s about to tell you he’s now fine after his accident all thanks to his insurance plan Michel Barnier, was too light on the UK seemed to work which must have baffled many of those British politicians who had spent the last two years being angry that Barnier was too harsh on us and trying to subvert whatever it was they believed in at the time. Could it be, gasp, that the UK was terrible at negotiating and that when you have experts like warm fart on a cold day David Davis or Barely Sentient Jerky Dominic Raab, then asking them questions such as how are they or what their name is probably does seem quite harsh. So, a draft agreement on the UK-EU relations was released, a full 26 pages to say that both parties had agreed to potentially agree on things that they may or may not agree on depending on if other people agree on them or agree to not agree after which everyone will agree to disagree rendering all this work useless.

This agreement mainly seemed to hammer down on May’s insistence that freedom of movement will be ending as though it’s more important than anything else to make sure that people can’t come here, when we all know that after Brexit they probably won’t want to anyway. Hey! You! don’t you even think about trying to find work in our country that won’t have any work after we’ve sabotaged it, because we’ve made sure you can’t do that thing we don’t have! Ha! Take that! It also referred to using technology that doesn’t exist to make sure the Northern Irish backstop isn’t used, because what better base to determine the future of a nation than the idea that if we keep shining torches into the sky maybe an alien race will pop down to give us special equipment so you can look into trucks with an invisible moon gun or something. The bit that has caused particular upset is a section about a new fishing agreement that would allow EU countries to still have access to our waters, which Brexiteers say is a surrender to France, something that could not only affect the British fishing industry which is a genuine concern for about 5 people who actually eat the fish that live there, but it would also stop a whole load of xenophobes from being able to use their outdated slurs about the French always losing. And so accusations that the EU were screwing over the UK started all over again as all those who’d previously claimed we had to leave as the EU don’t look after their member states, got angry that they were looking after their member states.

But the political agreement non-document wasn’t enough, probably because it wasn’t really anything and May also had to concede to Spain’s demands and give a written concession that Gibraltar won’t necessarily be covered by any of the agreement that may not happen anyway, leaving the island where 96% voted to Remain, very much the rock in a hard place. But Gibraltar isn’t the only sandbag that’s been thrown from the hot air balloon so that the government can survive their directionless journey. The Prime Minister was dishing out knighthoods last week like you might if New Year’s seems an unattainable goal, handing one to John Hayes a Eurosceptic Tory MP who looks like Tom Hanks in a brutal hall of mirrors and one who was ambiguous about whether he’d be backing May’s deal. Hayes said that the honour has no bearing on how he’ll vote in the Commons which no, it probably doesn’t. But that’s because honour doesn’t seem to have much bearing on how many MPs do anything anymore. Political party for Death Eaters the DUP played their kingmaker card by saying they may revisit their confidence and supply deal with the Conservatives on account of it currently being more a no confidence and sorry we’re out of stock deal at the moment. Revisit is a very polite way of saying you’re considering killing it off. It is amazing how an extremely religious protestant party like the DUP manage to make allying with them seem like a pact with the devil. Though that is assuming the Conservatives have a soul to bargain with in the first place. After the DUP refused to back some of the government’s amendments to the Finance Bill, the Conservatives then had to quietly dropped plans for a ban on high powered military rifles to stop the gun toting Christians from kicking off. Yes they had to stop a ban on guns to avoid being shot down.

The DUP conference took place at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Belfast and not, as I assumed on the steps of Giant’s Causeway as they all just shout things they don’t like at each other trying to be louder than crashing waves. As well as lots of talks from people who make smiling look painful, one of the lowlights was a speech by eroded beach ball Boris Johnson who insisted the UK have to ‘junk the backstop’. Which sounds a lot like a bad euphemism or a rock the kasbar parody track but instead its just his new phrase that no one cares about . Boris says the government has a ‘can’t do’ attitude to Brexit which must be why he really left the cabinet as finding out your specialty isn’t exclusive is tough.

So now May has to sell the deal to her MPs and the British public and so far her tactic is to say that rejecting her deal will lead to ‘division and uncertainty’. How’s that meant to win people over? That’s all we’ve had for two years and it’s almost just how things are so of course people will reject your plan, they all fear change. Many Conservatives say they’ll vote against it, as do the Lib Dems and SNP and Labour leader and Pauper Smurf Jeremy Corbyn says his party will not back May’s deal because it is the worst of all worlds. Which makes me really glad he doesn’t write any sci-fi because it’d be shit. Imagine a lead character going through a hell mouth or portal into….dan dan daaaaaannnnn …a really boring paragraph on fishing boundaries? Actually to be fair, right now all of this does make the Upside Down or the worst timeline or Bizzaro World seem like holiday retreat. One that you can’t go to without a visa due to the ending of Freedom Of Movement. May says she is considering a TV debate with Corbyn about Brexit because there’s obviously some sort of government drive to get people going outside more. If she was really keen to get the public backing her deal a promise of not being on telly between now and next March would go down an awful lot better.

In other news, British academic Matthew Hedges who was given a life sentence in the United Arab Emirates for spying has been pardoned and freed. Either this is a success down to the hard work of Foreign Secretary and startled paintbrush Jeremy Hunt or more likely the UAE realized if they didn’t free Hedges they’d have to see a lot of more of Hunt and really, it wasn’t worth it. Shadow Chancellor and haunted Joe Biden John McDonnell received lots of criticism for saying he could not be friends with a Conservative because he couldn’t forgive them for all the human suffering they’ve caused. That’s fair, I mean they’d be rubbish friends. They’d probably avoid doing anything to give you any benefits, they’d borrow far too much off you, they’d regularly goad you into doing very dangerous things you didn’t want to do and they’d keep trying to give you cuts. Sounds awful. I don’t want to be friends with a Conservative either. But I also don’t really want to be friends with anyone anymore. I’ve got enough friends thanks and not enough time. I’m so tired. So, so tired.

And lastly, political party for people who would join the EDL but there isn’t a branch nearby and its cold outside UKIP have signed up far right activist and clump of spam and hair Tommy Robinson as an advisor on rape gangs and prison reform. I’m guessing for the former he’ll be explaining how they can operate more effectively if he gets them freed by disrupting their court cases and on the latter how he said he was mentally tortured while in prison for contempt of court by not having access to a TV despite then talking about how he enjoyed watching Love Island while there. Though to be fair, watching Love Island is mental torture. On one hand this is UKIPs attempts to appeal to the far right, very racist online crowd but also could be a smart move to show they are promoting work for British people by giving a job to Tommy Robinson, his real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon and his alias Andrew McMaster all at once. Former UKIP leader and infected wound Nigel Farage has expressed anger at the party, calling Robinson a thug but hey, I guess it’s a bit like when you’re newly single and you check facebook and your ex has already moved on and got themselves a younger trash partner instead.

Former Presidential candidate and Garbage Pail Kid Hilary Clinton has possibly started her 2020 campaign by telling Europe to curb immigration to stop right wing populism. No! No one should take advice from her on how to stop right wing populism, she’s shit at it. It’s like General Custer handing out battle winning tips or safe driving lessons from Ant McPartlin.

And Former Prime Minister and number 4 rank classic villain of all time Margaret Thatcher is eligible as a scientist that could feature on the new £50. I think that’s fair as she is credited with discovering how to create a public services black hole.

ADMIN

Greeting ParPolBrods, how are you faring? If any of you have any solid suggestions for how humans could feasibly hibernate – I’m thinking it involves a stockpile of takeaway curry or something – then please do let someone important know. I’m not sure that Seasonal Affected Depression is a proper thing but only because I’m pretty sure everyone feels shit when you look outside and the sky has given up. Is that a specific condition or isn’t that just shitty winter? I’ve found that when my daughter wakes me up at 5.30am and its still pitch black outside that it doesn’t matter how many coffees I shoot into eyes, everything in my brain tells me I still need to in bed and probably not leave it till March. This morning it was so cold in our flat that there was a ladybird in the middle of our living room carpet, completely still. I assumed it was dead, picked it up and popped it by the warming radiator and it seemed to defrost and fly off. How is that possible? My home has become a potential location for a really boring Jurassic Park sequel where they only recreate aphids. Yes this is my chat this week. I have mostly been indoors trying to fill out an Arts Council Funding Application which is, without a doubt, the most boring thing I’ve ever done aside from watch Philip Hammond’s budget speeches. Though it was broken up with a very fun ‘How Does This Politics Thing Work Then?’ kids show in Colchester at the lovely arts centre there where the children voted for a Green party government, Lib Dem opposition and thought it best that no one got sweets instead of just a few people having them. That’s the future people. A sweetless weird Green Lib Dem future where presumably we’re in the EU and environmentally friendly, but either have two leaders or no one that wants to, a four day working week but possibly also an opposition with only 3 people in it. Good luck to them I say. Good luck. Oh, and I completely forgot it was Black Friday which is a shame as I like to watch people in shops tear at each other for shit deals as some sort of prep for the future when we’ll all be fighting for water.

But I’m sure the political outlook for the Colchester of the future isn’t why you’ve tuned in, so thank you for picking this show for your weekly pod devourings despite knowing it’s pretty much all going to be Brexit. All of it this week. Even the interview. And the bit at the end that no one listens to. Oh you’ve switched off already. Oh, oh dear. I am hoping you’re not all Bobs as Jeremy Hunt called them, bored of Brexit, which really dampens Bob the Builder for me. Can we fix it? Its unlikely. But really there’s not much else to mention this week apart from walking advert for erectile dysfunction Christopher Chope still being an arsehole and I used up all my descriptions of him last time he was still being an arsehole. So Brexit and still speaking of such things thank you to Eckhart for the ko-fi donation, which was very kind of you and I’ll get back to that donation in just a minute. I promise I don’t actually shoot coffee into my eyes, but hey, if it works for butts, amIright? What am I talking about? But if you would like to buy me a coffee and seriously I need a lot at the moment, then you can do that at ko-fi.com/parpolbro and if you want to do a more monthly donation then you can head to patreon.com/parpolbro which I notice is rapidly losing donations. Totally fair if you can’t afford to sponsor this weekly screaming session but please let me know if its also because of Patreon being stupidly in US dollars or any other reason. I am looking into other avenues so if it’s a pain then let me know. Thank you also to whoever reviewed the show on iTunes much appreciated and please do take 2 minutes to do the same if you can. Its boring but I’ve noticed that shows with 200+ reviews get a boost on the Apple Podcasts page which is very helpful and this show is currently on 125 so hey, why not write anything, I mean it, anything and give it five stars and help the show out. Really. You can totally write ‘Christopher Chope looks like if a sad brick was trying to wear a disfigured Bob Holness mask’ and leave it at that. I’d be really happy with that. Probably more happy than I should be.

But back to Eckhart’s very kind donation, his message on the ko-fi page simply said ‘thanks from Hamburg’ which made me go and check the old stats page and there are quite a lot of you out there listening all across Europe. Except in Moldova. Only one person has listened once in Moldova so unless you buck up your ideas I’ll be contributing to your record of being least visited European country and that’s that. But if you are a European listener, then firstly danke or dank u or merci and all that and also I’d love to know how you feel about Brexit from where you are. Do you give much of a shit? Is it hilarious and great to have someone else to laugh at? I’d love to know your thoughts even if its just one sentence or one word, please do email me at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com or via the contact form on partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk and I’ll collect them all, if I get any and read them out on a future episode.

On this week’s show I am speaking to Lara Spirit from Our Future Our Choice about, yes, Brexit and then there’s Brexit Fallout which is about Brexit and of course there’s not even any headlines because it’s all Brexit. Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit oh god people this is where we are. Look, here’s the bloomin’ jingle:

BREXIT FALLOUT

It’s a bit like when I was at school and we got a class detention because a handful of shitty kids acted shitty then they bunked the detention anyway and we got penalized for it with a further detention and they still didn’t turn up to that either. Britain is in an eternal detention, with our Prime Minister writing meaningless lines that no one enjoys or wants or likes, and it won’t help but she’s insistent it’s for the best for all of us. It was announced today that the People’s Vote campaign have calculated that Theresa May’s Brexit Deal will cost the UK £100bn by 2030 and to show what a crappy deal it is, there’s not been even one ridiculous MP popping up to say ‘actually that’s only £100m per year so pretty good deal overall’. No, no one’s said that. Not even Brexit Secretary Steve Barclay and he’s so nothing looking that he could say it, leave and no one would really be sure anything had happened. May is insistent it’s the only deal we have, because it’s the only one she could come up with but when you spend two years and all you have to show for it is this lousy deal shit then maybe everything needs a bit of a rethink. But what else could be done?

Well this week I thought as well as me wanging on about it all, it’d be nice to speak to someone else about Brexit, someone who’s optimistic that there are options to change this so it’s not just, as David Davis predicted earlier this year, not as bad as Mad Max. So I interviewed Lara Spirit who has an excellent name and is also the co-President of Our Future, Our Choice, a campaign who believe remaining in the EU is the only good option for young people. 73% of young people voted to Remain, more who are now eligible to vote but weren’t at the time are against a Brexit and at some point, sadly for them, they’ll be older people that are going to have to deal with it like the worst present hand me down ever.

OFOC have been a very vocal anti-Brexit group, having a large presence at the People’s Vote march, the Conservative Conference, the Labour festival and across many news programs on radio and TV. They have recently launched a battle bus and a Northern Ireland team and this weekend were in Brussels taking blowtorches to May’s deal which probably kept them warm in the cold weather proving that maybe, it does have a use. So I asked Lara why Brexit is going to affect young people so much, if a people’s vote is actually feasible, what other options there are and how many copies of May’s deal would I need to blowtorch to keep my flat warm till March and saving my heating bills? Ok I didn’t ask the last one, but I reckon it’s about 650 and there should be that many copies spare in a couple of weeks.

Here is Lara:

INTERVIEW PART 1

And we’ll be back with Lara in a minute but first…

BREXIT FALLOUT

I was going to use this week’s Brexit Fallout to go through what’s in the political agreement between the UK and the EU and all that sort of jazz, and by jazz I mean series of disjointed sounds improvised together by someone who plays instruments like they’re clutching them as they’re falling down the stairs. And I say that as someone who likes jazz. But it looks like none of it will get through the Commons anyway, so what is the point? And look, I know you can’t predict anything in politics anymore. There’s a chance that before it gets to the meaningful vote in the Commons on December 11^th that everyone will be so entranced by May’s chat, as she said in the commons that it’s a historic moment and it must be approached in the right way and everyone will turn up blindly walking backwards into it and be too injured to vote. Or maybe Labour will decide after 5 days of debate on it, that actually what the worst of all worlds needs are a series of policies that help those in the worst world make the best of it because even in a Children of Men scenario people still need a living wage. Or maybe everyone will have given up by then and gone home. Or maybe May will just vanish, the vote not go ahead, everything halts and then years later she’s discovered off her face on peyote in the desert wearing a terrified coyote as a hat. Who actually knows, but based on what we understand right now, its most likely that no one except Steve Barclay, will vote for May’s deal and it’ll be a resounding defeat. So, what happens then? Apart from us all laughing at the Prime Minister yet again having a terrible time with an idea she thought was good, before then crying as we realise there’s now less time to actually make this not awful?

To pass her deal through the commons May needs 320 votes and with at least 90 Conservatives likely to vote against it, and most of Labour apart from a few idiots, and the SNP and Lib Dems and Caroline Lucas then it’ll be pretty hard for her to win. She has summoned Labour MPs, you know in the way a sorcerer would, to a private briefing which will have happened by the time you’ve heard this. But I can’t imagine what she’ll say that will get that many on her side. Especially after an amendment to the finance bill passed last week means she has had to say how the current plan compares to staying in the EU with the answer being not very well, which is, of course, a shock to no one. In case you’ve missed them so far the selling points of May’s deal are: It upsets Brexiteers and Remainers, it’s not as good as still being in the EU, it’s that or a no deal or no Brexit, sorry to everyone in Gibraltar but hey learning Spanish isn’t that hard. De Acuerdo? Do you feel persuaded? It’s like the worst would you rather ever. Would you rather get hit in the face with my fist, an axe or not get hit in the face?

If May doesn’t get 320, then it means the government has 21 days to come back with a revised and hopefully better deal. 21 days after December 11^th anyone? Anyone? Yes, you at the back with the hair and the jumper? That’s correct. New Year’s Day. Start as you mean to go on as they say! What better day for auld acquaintances to not be forgotten etc etc MPs will have to reconvene on New Year’s Day to vote on whatever May has hashed out over Christmas but before that she will have to get it past the EU again, even though European Commissioner and cartoon vole Jean Claude Juncker has said that this current deal is the best deal possible. Of course, he may be saying ‘possible’ as in ‘considering we’re dealing with idiots’ in which case, they might be up for some changes. But they won’t want changes to the backstop or any of the other important bits on the European Court of Justice or the UK’s alignment / possible staying in the customs union stuff. If May manages that, then it probably won’t have changed that much for parliament’s second vote so if that doesn’t go through, then hello No Deal as a default if no plan can be decided on, or maybe a People’s vote if May caves into that despite saying it won’t happen 1500 times but hey she may go on a walk over Christmas and change her mind because isn’t fresh air amazing. OR parliament could force the government to extend or revoke article 50 as has been admitted in the text of its failed application to appeal to the Supreme Court to not refer the article 50 law to the European Court. But May has also said that won’t happen because she’s the worst.

Or the government could come back with a Norway style option where we stay part of the European Free Trade Association and can therefore be part of the European Economic Area or a Canada Super plus minus divided equals option but the EU hasn’t agreed to those and some of the EEA countries have already specified they don’t want to hang out with us because we suck. Of course May could also just resign, the DUP pull out of the deal with the Conservatives and cause the government to collapse, various government ministers resign and cause the government to collapse causing a general election or Labour to try to pull together a minority emergency government. Or aliens could invade, or the sun could explode or more likely the ancient giant that sleeps under Westminster could wake up and use magic to turn everyone into llamas or something else equally as hopeful.

The other wild card in play is that because of the National Crime Agency investigation into Leave funder and face drawn onto an ulcer Arron Banks, and Vote Leave also losing their judicial review challenging the Electoral Commisions decision that they illegally overspent, a high court case on whether Brexit should be declared void in light of these allegations, is being fast tracked. In a case brought by Croft Solicitors representing UK citizens living in EU countries, the high court could decide, by Christmas, that because of Theresa May’s refusal to act on the growing evidence of illegality in the leave campaigns that her decision to trigger article 50 is void. And then if they do, er, who knows. Parliament haven’t responded to the case other than being expected to have Sir James Eadie QC as their defence, who was in charge of unsuccessfully fighting for the government to trigger article 50 without parliamentary approval. So hey, here’s to second time unlucky!

So that’s either a no deal Brexit, a no Brexit, a void Brexit, an extended Brexit, a totally new Brexit or aliens. I suppose May is right to an extent, in that a vote for her deal does mean less uncertainty, but when the certainty is the national anthem played on a stylophone by an asthmatic pig and the other possibilities could be jazz, then roll on Christmas because I can’t wait for the Queen’s speech to feature a nervous looking Lizzie tooting on a saxophone.

And now, back to Lara…

INTERVIEW PART 2

Thanks to Lara for chatting with me. Our Future Our Choice can be found at ofoc.co.uk, on Twitter @OFOCBrexit and on Facebook too. Lara is also on Twitter @lara_spirit. I should also say that on a lot of interviews by idiots, OFOC reps have been questioned on who funds them, usually because the person questioning them has links with somewhere like the Taxpayer’s Alliance who won’t reveal their donors and so think everyone else’s priorities and reasons for campaigning must be dodgy too. Well OFOC clearly state the three groups that power them on their website. Best For Britain, Open Britain and The European Movement and it’s pretty easy to look all of them up, find all their CEO and boards and see for yourself. It really does make me wonder how people get top journalist presenting jobs when they can’t even investigate the front page of a website. You can find out all about OFOC’s campaigns via their website and obviously right now, they’ve got a lot on that you can take part in if you so wish.

I am of course up for interviewing a pro-Leave person if you can find me one who might actually answer questions without getting defensive and wants to come on the show so if you have suggestions do let me know. Next week’s interview is also on Brexit lines, sort of and after that I am once again in need of guests. Who would you like me to interview and what about? Let me know by dropping me a line @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast facebook group, the contact page at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or by email at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could write it on a sombrero, write my address on it and post it to me and then it’ll never reach me because the postman will get attacked by birds who think it’s an egg riding a bike. It’s probably best just to email.

END

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Thanks to you and your tympanic membranes for vibrating correctly to these sounds. If you do enjoy the show, please do spread the word about it to all who may listen and for those who don’t listen, why not draw them a series of explanatory pictures? Perhaps using crayon, or charcoal or the blood of those who’ve previously not listened to your wisdoms? Ok maybe not the last one. Please review the show on whichever pod app you use if it allows reviews and if it doesn’t, send them the blood of previous apps who did not let you review to prove your point! Sorry, ignore that last bit. And donate to the ko-fi or patreon pages if you have dosh and value this show enough to buy me a coffee or pay with your blood you peon! Sorry again. Sorry.

Much thankings to Acast for hosting this show on its lovely bill of noises, to my brother The Last Skeptik for his musical soundings and to Kat Day for typing up all the linear liner notes for the website.

This will be back next week when Theresa May will insist that if ministers don’t back her deal then the bed bugs will bite and she won’t send them a Christmas card and she heard that they’ll have bad sex for 11 years.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by Theresa May’s Page Fillers. Do you have a lot of pages you need pointless writing on? Are you constantly worried that if people see all the blank paper you have they’ll think you do nothing? Well hire May’s Page Fillers and we can expertly fill up to 585 pages with lots of words that individually mean something but when read sound like complicated nonsense so everyone will assume you’ve tried your best or at least thought about it once. Order from us today and we’ll have a fat wodge of babble with you in approximately two years. Theresa May’s Page Fillers, churning out lots of nothing, really, really slowly.