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Transcript

NEWSTRADAMUS 2019

ParPolBrods! I hope you’ve had a lovely Festive winter Decemberval. It’s very nearly 2019, the UN’s year of the periodic table of chemical elements, which makes sense as post-Christmas I’ve been releasing some very noble gases. Yes! I started with a fart joke! But before the new year arrives, it is ParPolBro tradition, well as of last year, for a few predictions from our least favourite whatever the opposite of a prophet is, a trumpet maybe? Yes! It’s Newstradamus!

NEWSTRADAMUS PREDICTIONS

Greetings followers and whackolytes and yes, here we are again at the dawn of a new annum, a year as well. My didn’t 2018 fly by like the blink of an eye, an eye with severe conjunctivitis and blinks that last 365 days. It was a year that in the future historians will refer to it as ‘that fucking year’ and they will, I have forseen it and fiveseen it too because I’m that good. So, what will 2019 bring apart from a year that when you write it down and turn it on its side it looks like a small cyclops Elvis? Go on, do it. Yes, see? Hmmmm. Well fear not my petite personnes credules for I am here to give you a kick start, or at least a stumble so that you fall on your face slightly before everyone else does.

If you’ll remember, at the end of 2017 I predicted such events as:

PLAY SOME CLIPS OF LAST YEAR’S

And of course, all of that came true. All of it. Fact. So, with that in mind, and it is all in my mind, be prepared for some serious FUTURE TRUTHINGS for 2019!

• Ministers will vote almost unanimously for May’s Brexit deal after she renames it ‘Not May’s Deal’. The only MPs who don’t vote it are Prime Minister Theresa May who forgets that she renamed it and won’t vote for something that isn’t her deal and David Davis who gets stuck in the toilet and after 12 attempts to get out that mainly include hoping someone else will do it for him, he decides to just quietly live in there as it clearly won’t be as bad as everyone says, and he isn’t discovered until 2022.
• As a result of this Britain will slowly peter out of the EU like an 80’s power ballad. Most countries in Europe won’t realise the UK has left until they notice the milk in the fridge is 10 months old. The British public have mostly stopped caring but one man insists on replying to every MP on Twitter with the words ‘EUROPE? What about MY ROPE?’ and no one has a clue what he means. Noel Edmonds is made Brexit Secretary but leaves within nine days.
• Labour will finally announce their Brexit stance in July, several months after the UK has already left, assuring voters that they’d like to keep one foot in Europe and one out, straddling the channel like a shit colossus, occasionally weeing on a ferry.
• In February Home Secretary Sajid Javid will step up his leadership bid by having himself deported.
• Theresa May will hold onto power but only because her fingers are so rigid that she can’t let go of a battery she picks up in January. She resigns as Prime Minister after deciding the only way to gain popularity is to dance through every public appearance and insists on attempting to floss during a memorial on Armed Forces day in June, causing St John’s ambulance attend to her assuming she’s having a fit. An immediate leadership race starts in the Conservative Party, but after absolutely no one can garner enough support to stand, Boris Johnson, Jeremy Hunt and Amber Rudd all become Prime Minister deciding on all policies by using the improv three headed monster game where they can only each say one word at a time. Nearly all policies for the rest of the year consist of the word ‘and’ 600 times. A general election is called very quickly.
• Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn decides not to run in the general election after announcing that he respects all voters and all participants equally. As a result Labour donate all their votes to food banks, which is rendered useless when the three headed beast Prime Minister makes a policy that food banks are only for the very richest to deposit their food in and gain tax dodging levels of interest on them.
• Boris Johnson decides that people might like him if he campaigns against Japan’s commercial whaling industry, but while over there on a visit in August, he is harpooned and used for his blubber.
• The Liberal Democrats double in number after visiting a hall of mirrors as part of a team day.
• Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab is taken into care after he’s found shouting ‘WHERE’S THE SWITCH TO TURN YOU OFF?’ at the moon.
• In March Anna Soubry threatens to resign from herself after announcing that her own inability to rebel against all the government decisions she pretends she doesn’t like, is letting the country down. But then she doesn’t bother and says its Jeremy Corbyn’s fault.
• UKIP leader Gerard Batten hires a potato as their new policy advisor on immigration.
• In the US, the government remains on shutdown after President Trump insists on trying to restart it using ctrl-alt-delete on his keyboard and then hires in someone who doesn’t know how computers work to do it too.
• Saudi Arabia vow to modernize more and announce that they will be allowing women to stone themselves from April onwards. They also announce a moratorium on journalists who criticize the regime, but due to a translation issue, that’s just what they name the place where they bury all the limbs of those they chop up.
• Yellow Vest protests continue in France throughout the year, despite Macron consistently changing his policies. Bizarrely though, his approval ratings go up tenfold after it’s revealed that road accidents have reduced dramatically.

And of course all the things that I can’t tell you about or you’ll panic buy kitchen roll and cocktail sausages, which just can’t be risked right now as I am a responsible soothsayer and speak only soothing things like ‘oooh clean sheets’. But what I can predict is that you will have an interesting year, ruined only by weekly Partly Political broadcast podcasts, which should help you to sleep inbetween all the panicking. Happy surviving! Mwah!

Hmm, well I’m not sure any of those are valid. So instead, here’s some predictions from some more reliable sources, that’s right, comedians I worked with over the past few weeks.

HOWARD READ

BEC HILL

JONNY AND THE BAPTISTS

NICK DOODY

FRANKIE BOYLE

Big thanks to Howard, Bec, Jonny, Paddy, Nick and Frankie for that. The podcast will be back in a couple of weeks unless it needs to return quicker, and why not start the year as you mean to go on by donating to the ko-fi.com/parpolbro site which now has a monthly donate option too, or the patreon.com/parpolbro site, or even just by giving the show a review or telling someone you know to give it a listen? Make it a resolution! My resolution is going to be to not do things I don’t want to do, which means I will have to quit the podcast and changing my daughter’s nappies till 2019. JOKE! HAVE A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR OR AT LEAST NOT A SHIT ONE!

BYEEEEEEEEEEE

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