Further Reading

Transcript

Episode 152

POLITICS IS DEAD, ALL FAIL PM BORIS!

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that holds your hand while we hurtle into the political abyss but politely asks you not to grip so tight as ours are sore from three years of wringing them. This is episode 152, sort of, I’m Tiernan Douieb and yes beanbag filled with sick, what if someone shaved then weirdly inflated all the worst bits of a Labrador and like a cross between a croissant and an absolute arsehole of a man Boris Johnson has been voted leader of the Tory Party and therefore very likely by the time you hear this, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. The 160,000 Conservative party membership knew that two wrongs don’t make it right, but if you have one man who’s essentially a withered, stupid punching bag full of wrongs, they may as well opt for that with perhaps the view that the country will successfully idiot itself into recovery by the sort of fluke that happens to people that aren’t clever enough to orchestrate it themselves.

Boris Johnson had been the favourite to win from the outset and yet, now it’s here, it’s still grim news. Like being tied to railway tracks and pointing at the train in the distance for hours before, but as its wheels churn your face into sad mulch you overhear a familiar laugh that sounds like a someone choking on their own vanity, and suddenly you realise it’s worse than you thought, every passenger on that train is the biggest dickhead from your school and the train driver is that one from N-Dubz. Boris beat Foreign Secretary and loafer perplexed why it’s been binned Jeremy Hunt, by over 45k votes because Hunt was only the second worst ever foreign secretary and those Conservative voters only want the very best at failing in charge. In his victory speech Boris said that he would say to all the doubters, dude we are going to energize the country, because what the country needs is a stoner from the 90’s who’s going to invest all the money that’s left into a smoothie machine. He insisted that the country are trusting in him to deliver Brexit, which isn’t true. Only roughly 0.25% of the country trust him to be in charge, the rest of us wouldn’t trust him to deliver a pizza without it turning up 3 days too late with a large arse print in it and given to you by a boy he paid to take the blame for it while he’s busy trying to bonk your neighbor.

There have of course been messages for support. Upside Down fertilizer rodent Michael Gove wished Boris congrats and said it was time for the Conservatives to come together, as that’s probably how him and Johnson used to celebrate at boarding school. The Hills Have Eyes but with money Trump family also congratulated Boris, with possessed stepford wife Ivanka Trump saying it was great Boris is now the Prime Minister of the United Kingston. Though to be fair, the West London borough might be all that’s part of the union once Boris is done. Her dad, US President and half digested dumpling Donald Trump said that Johnson is tough and smart and they call him Britain Trump, which is an amazing way to contradict the first part of your sentence with the second. Johnson’s campaign manager and haunted outie Iain Duncan Smith said the whole mood about his win was very upbeat, though this is the man that probably only really dances to the sound of Universal Credit being delayed. Ireland have said they will work constructively with Johnson, which is a very nice way of saying they’re already tired from having to rebuild everything he’s damaged. The pound hasn’t been affected by Johnson’s win, but then how do you fall further than rock bottom?

But there’s also less happy voices, including, Welsh party Plaid Cymru who’ve said there is a now a clown as PM, which isn’t true as clowns as they’re either buffoon like or scary, not both in an untalented hybrid. SNP leader and Numberblock Nicola Sturgeon says she has profound concerns about Boris which doesn’t seem right either as he hasn’t said or done anything profound in his life. It’d be more appropriate to have very very basic ones. Brexit Party leader and giant Antarctic polynoid worm Nigel Farage wished Johnson well on his do or die Brexit pledge, although not entirely sure on which part as it probably smarts a bit that there’s now another populist banging the Brexit drum and this one doesn’t need anonymous paypal donations to do it. But it’s not just the other parties that are concerned with the idea of a sex pest haystack in charge. Lots of Conservative ministers pre-emptively resigned, knowing that they’d prefer to lurk at the back than be anywhere near the front of a Boris bus. Man who looks like the Churchill Insurance dog and Justice Secretary David Gauke has left his post saying he’s looking forward to returning to the backbenches, because if shit does hit the fan from there he’s likely only to get a few flecks on him. Vampire High Lord Sir Alan Duncan quit as Foreign Minister on Monday, not even waiting for the news, hoping to launch a vote of no confidence in Boris before he was sworn in as PM. It was rejected by the speaker potentially because now Boris has won, he might quit before then anyway once he realizes how much work he has to do. Others have also left but Chancellor and what happens when cryogenics goes wrong Philip Hammond said he’d resign if Johnson won, and by the time of recording still hasn’t. But I guess his whole career in the cabinet has been promising to do things then having to u-turn over them.

How long he will last is a question that not only his former mistresses have asked but also even supporters of Johnson within his own party. It’s a good point too, as last week MPs defeated the government in voting for an amendment that blocks the PM from proroguing parliament, so Boris can’t just suspend them like a shit zipwire photo op and the EU have already shot down Boris’s Brexit plan within minutes of him winning so chances of him renegotiating a new or better deal are unlikely. It’s like Britain decided that the woman with no emotions wouldn’t work so we’ll send in the dog from the porn version of Up and if this doesn’t work we might just give the job to a chicken or watermelon until they give in. Plus Boris’s majority in the commons is now down to just two thanks to MP for Dover and official fivehead Charlie Elphicke being charged with three counts of sexual assault. It is going to court in September so I can’t mention anything else due to legal reasons but what is clear is that with these charges, Elphicke has definitely fucked Johnson. Labour leader and cheap knock off Papa Smurf where he’s all red Jeremy Corbyn has said his party will put forward a motion of no confidence in Johnson but it’ll be at a time of their choosing, and it’ll be an interesting surprise for everyone. Will it? What time would possibly be a surprise? One minute after midnight on October 31^st? Or are they planning to do it like a Beyonce album leak and pop it out unannounced on a Tuesday at 3am? Or will Corbyn pull it out of his sleeve along with some doves and plastic flowers in the middle of a PMQs?

Who actually knows. Tomorrow overstarched curtains Theresa May will leave Number 10 and be thrown down an elevator shaft in the Death Star or whatever it is they do to the biggest Sith Lords when they die now, and Boris will make his first speech as Prime Minister of the UK, and it’ll probably have some Latin in it, he’ll say something that contradicts something he said last week, he’ll try and make a joke that only Top Gear fans will like and ultimately the whole world will look and think, oh the UK have remade the US news but on a smaller budget and with a cast that plays stupid even less convincingly. And while only 0.25ish percent of the population voted for this man, we as British people have to ask ourselves, what has happened where we have allowed the country to be lead by a man who makes Katie Hopkins seem progressive because at least all the racist terms she uses are modern ones, a man who’s biggest achievement as London mayor was building a cable car over the only bit of the city where there’s nothing to see at ground level, a man who resigned as Foreign Secretary over a deal he couldn’t back, and then backed it. A man who won’t even say how many children he has, possibly because he doesn’t know or possibly because he’s waiting until there’s enough of them for a full Children of the Corn style army. A man who’s privileged and wealth means he has bumbled through life screwing everything up and being rewarded for it, which the worst sort of ham role model. and I pity the poor teachers who come September will have to say to their pupils ‘if you don’t stop messing about, lying and not doing your work right now then you know what’ll happen? Yes you’ll likely become prime minister.’ I mean only if they go to certain schools obviously. Boris wrote in his Telegraph column on Monday that Britain needs the same can do spirit of the moon landings to leave the EU by October 31^st, but there’s big differences. They had a lot of planning, thousands of experts and a desire to look outward, to furthering humanity, not inwards up their own arse where they aim to curl up and die eating tinned roast dinners as they run out of needed medicine. Well done Britain, well done. We did that, with our divisive, self-aggrandizing, colonialist and unapologetic ways. Oh no wait, sorry, the Conservative party did that, all 160,000 of them. Fuck those guys. Fuck them to hell.

Or perhaps I’m actually being way too cynical and maybe they’ve just done what’s best for the country. I mean, what better way to stop Brexit from happening than by handing it to Racist Human Tumbleweed who spent £53m failing to build a bridge? We can only hope.

Oh, and in other news the Lib Dems have a new leader or something. Maybe.

ADMIN

There you are listeners! This podcast is one whole day late just so you can enjoy listening to this on the first official day of Borisland, if you can hear this that is, instead of the tuba noises that everyone else on the planet will be playing every time he walks around as PM. Sure by releasing this on the Wednesday it means it won’t have his first speech as PM in it, or May’s least speech as PM, or any indication of what his cabinet will be like, but look, does it matter because none of it is going to be surprisingly good is it? I mean May’s speech will be like eating drying paint and be all the same words as last time only moved around slightly as she judders like she’s going to cry for far too long then goes away and instantly becomes forgettable. Then Boris’s speech could be replaced by the sounds of two warthogs fighting each other inside a duvet set and his cabinet will be full of people like Priti Patel who’s only real calling is trying to separate children from their daemons and will end up as something stupid like Home Secretary where she’ll be in charge of national security despite in her last job breaching it while on holiday and having to resign. You may as well go outside and enjoy the heatwave death of the planet feeling nice on your skin and laughing about how you’re not on the London underground. Unless you’re on the the London underground or any similarly overly expensive, completely un-vented trap to melt people beneath the earth. I was on one today and it felt like being trapped inside a teenager’s sock after sport’s day. Proper grim.

Anyway, here we are and thanks for waiting an extra day for this. How is it on a Wednesday? Bit weird? I was all thrown off having a Monday to not really do much let me tell you. Sadly despite the wait this isn’t a proper episode this week, even though it’s the last before the summer break. That’s partly due to having a guest who was pretty interesting and then the guest cancelling, and I can’t even say who it was so know it all sounds like I’m making it up but I pinky swear they were and still are real. Hopefully they’ll be on in the Autumn. Also, its too hot to do a proper podcast today. My headphones have melted my ears, and chances are you’ll be unlikely to listen to too many words incase your brain overheats. So, think of this as hopefully a small part of your coping mechanism as we further plummet into the too stupid era. Thank you for listening though and big thank you to anonymous for buying my several coffees last week which is so very appreciated. I know there won’t be many of these before September now but I was on a tube yesterday and desperately need rehydrating so if there was ever a time to buy me a drink via the ko-fi.com/parpolbro account or join the patreon.com/parpolbro site then it is now. You’ll have over 6 weeks to review the show so please do, as you spend Tuesday’s, or even Wednesday’s wondering what’s amiss, as yes, it’s the swearing bearded man in my ears. And as you feel happier about life because of that, maybe write some nice words and a 5 star review on your podcast apps of choice so I don’t feel too left out.

I might release a few bits and pieces over the summer but it all sort of depends on what happens and if I can be bothered. Otherwise if you’re London based or visiting London on August 4^th or 5^th you can come and see my Camden Fringe show at the Camden Comedy Club. All details for that are at camdenfringe.com. Plus another podcast what I’ve been a guest on, called Top Ten, is now out where I get quite angry and probably too in depth about which children’s books I can cope with reading 600 times to my daughter. There may also be some other podcasts and bits coming up so check out the old social medias for noise on that or sign up to my personal mailing list at tiernandouieb.co.uk for all that sort of stuff.

And on this week’s show? Well not much else to say really. I know the Lib Dems are now lead by Jo Swinson who always looks like she’s smug that she’s been made head girl yet again. I’m sure she’ll do a great job, hang on let me check my notes, advocating austerity. Oh well. She is the first party leader ever born in the 80’s which is exciting as finally someone in parliament who knows all the lyrics to the Cities of Gold theme tune. Plus there’s some concerning news about voter ID roll outs, especially as trials before meant over 1000 people couldn’t vote, although judging by how people have voted in the last few elections, I’m not sure that’s entirely bad. Arf, jokes.

Nor will I be going into the story about Iran seizing a British tanker and Jeremy Hunt saying that Britain will seek to put together a Europe wide Navy force to deal with it, which is of course nothing like the EU Army he so opposes because this ones in water. Seems the way to keep Hunt interested in Europe is to involve able seamen. Or Labour launching an antisemitism minisite which sounds less like a useful thing to do and like they’ve messed up a palindrome.

So I could talk about all of that but really, with Boris as PM, I guess the only thing we can do on this show that’s of any use is to ask…..

WHAT NOW?

Boris is sworn in as PM by the Queen, which as its him, she might well just shout fuck and try and lop his head off with the sword. Oh I know she won’t, I’m just dreamin’. Then he’ll pick his cabinet, so far that includes Mark Spencer a man who always looks like his face is reeling from a punch. Mark is most well known for dressing up as Santa Claus for the House of Commons children’s party, which is impressive as it does mean he’s a Conservative politician that they trust not to just put the kids into the sack. He is a Remain campaigner which is an interesting move for Johnson, or is it? I mean he’s a contradictory piece of shit so trying to read into any of this is like trying to make sense of why my daughter is walking around with a summer hat on, a plastic gold chain round her neck while shouting about crayons.

But who else will be joining the BoCab? No one’s really sure but its rumoured they’ll be quite hardline Brexit based because as we’ve seen over the last three years, they’ve got loads of ideas as to how to get things done. By that I mean we’re looking at several months of them complaining that they’re frustrating their own process that they don’t have. What about his Brexit plans? Well again, he’s been unsurprisingly vague. He’s said he’d prefer we left with a deal, but if that’s not possible we’re leaving on October 31^st do or die, which sound like the sort of options you’d only find at the end of a dated pub joke. Johnson wants the EU to reopen the withdrawal agreement which they’ve already said they won’t do and he wants to get rid of the backstop which they’ve said can’t be done, not least because it was a British idea and Johnson voted for it. But he also wants to do those things after we’ve left on October 31^st even though those are the things that need to be sorted out before we leave in order to be able to leave. He wants the chicken before the eggs hatched but by cracking it open early it’ll just leave a sort of bloodied albumen everywhere and no one will be happy. So plan A is to renegotiate the Brexit deal and leave by October 31^st which won’t happen. Plan B is to no deal but somehow manage that with a standstill arrangement from Nov 1^st onwards which also won’t happen as that’s not how a no deal works. Boris says he can use article 24 of the GATT or general agreement on tarrifs and trade to make this work but if he’d read any of the other articles in it, he’d know, no he can’t as that has to be done before we exit, on agreement with the EU, which means it isn’t a no deal. Or plan c, no deal with no planning, all of which we’re tumbling towards like Boris on a child’s slide, unaware or unconcerned for the toddlers that have gone before. German Chancellor and angry mushroom Angela Merkal has said the solution to the backstop could be written in the political declaration which means it could be removed from the withdrawal agreement meaning that things could move slightly forward, until the political declaration has to be done when we’re all stuck again. But even to get that brief chucking your problems further down the lane in front of you can only happen if Ireland agree to removing the backstop from the WA to the PD and then getting parliament to do it where Johnson might only have a majority of one, depending on the Brecon by-election, and even then with pro-EU Tories, probably won’t win.  But he can’t prorogue parliament due to the amendment voted on last week and legal threats if he does from loads of people including John ‘looks like he’s been photocopied onto cheap paper’ Major.

Will much happen between now and September? Unlikely as much of the EU is on holiday through August, so it’ll start again from September the 1^st, the Boris’s first speech as leader will be at the Conservative conference on Oct 2^nd, and then by the time conference season is over, there’s only a few weeks of parliamentary time before the October 31^st deadline. So it’s pretty impossible a deal will be sorted then, which means a no deal is more likely but even in that instance Johnson says he’d use the £39bn so called divorce bill to help out any no deal issues, but we’ll still need a deal with the EU for trade and they’ll probably ask for that money as a first port of call. So it could be an extension, aka die, or just further riding on a spare type as all of us feel run down. There’s also the possibility that a no confidence vote is called by Labour before then, there could be a general election. And if that happens, Johnson’s majority in Uxbridge halved in the last election and there is quite a lot of voter dissatisfaction in his constituency as he’s never there. He could be the first PM to lose his seat. And then what? A Boris without a seat? Argh Boris on the loose!

Who knows what these next few months will be like but what I do know is that if all Boris’s ideas are just to try and leave something till he actually has to deal with it, I suggest we all spend the summer pretending none of this has happened and use the time preparing all of the popcorn for the Autumn. Boris Land is a theme park with an awful lot of adverts and big notices, very expensive tickets but then on arrival there’s nothing there except a bike propped up against a tree and a sign telling you it’s your fault for being disappointed.

BORIS DESCRIPTIONS

Ep22: blonde munster, offspring of a bag of piglets and Worzel Gummidge

Ep23: British politics’s own Wreck-It-Ralph, Blonde guinea Pig with an unfortunate talking arse growth

Ep31: thatched roof on top of uncooked dough

Ep32: Eton Mess, Squidgy tube with hair

Ep34: host body for a mop head

Ep38: looks like the stuff you find in your jeans pocket after a wash but with a face

Ep45: mutant belly button fluff

Ep52: human dust brush

Ep55: star of 1992 film Beethoven, the man for whom the waaaa waaaa waaa trumpet noise was invented

Ep58: chicken hearted dunderheaded nincompoop

Ep61: unhinged flump

Ep62: who overstuffed the taxidermied llama, I’ve had too many Berocca’s’

Ep66: combination of a bunion and some pissy straw

Ep67: most well known for his role as Sadsack in the Raggy Dolls children’s show

Ep69: first successful cross of a golden retriever with a large dull thudding sound

Ep70: condom filled with porridge, useless wind sock full of blamanche, hairy sandbag of disappointment, self hating potato

Ep73: lovechild of Bagpuss and an old jar of lemon curd

Ep74: happy slapped uncooked dough

Ep75: PennyUnwise The Clown

Ep76: overripe potato

Ep81: arse blancmange

Ep82: walking concussion

Ep86: jumble sale in a suit

Ep87: soft play area gargoyle, Boris fucking Johnson

Ep88: what if someone shaved Bungle from Rainbow

Ep90: Marjory the Trash Heap

Ep91: Forest Lump

Ep91: animated pork bun

Ep93: concussed haystack

Ep94: T-Bone Steak That Someone Punched Eyes Into

Ep95: water wiggly filled with lard

Ep96: 4000 slugs in a trench coat

Ep97: Punch-bag made of overripe plums

Ep101: what it’d look like if they made a Cbeebies show about Irritable Bowl Syndrome

Ep103: lovechild of a Golden Retriever and a lipoma

Ep105: gerbil taxidermied using gelatine

Ep106: silage filled dinghy

Ep107: vitamin deficient space-hopper

Ep108: beef scarecrow

Ep109: canvas bag full of warm custard creams

Ep110: potato sack pulled over several bowling balls

Ep112: whoopie cushion filled with trifle

Ep113: vandalized beanbag

Ep114: punching bag filled with offal, bizarro Michelin Man

Ep115: Shit bagpuss

Ep121: Leaking sandbag

Ep122: Eroded beachball

Ep124: only man who’s DNA test says he’s directly related to primordial ooze

Ep125: Dinghy full of meat jelly

Ep126: Utter pudding

Ep127: Tumble dryer filled with bricks

Ep128: old sleeping bag stuffed with semolina

Ep132: Human Barm Cake

Ep135: eyeholes poked into a raw chicken

Ep136: car crash air bag filled with mince

Ep138: piping bag pummeled into a suit

Ep139: Walking dinghy

Ep140: bloated spleen with eyes

Ep141: Sentient portaloo

Ep142: armadillo fighting its way out of a burlap sack, but in a suit,

Ep144: half shaved honey monster with a head injury

Ep145: sofa put together all wrong

Ep146: human ball pit

Ep147: sleeping bag filled with dog food

Ep148: cross between Bulk from Superted and several Crufts rejects

Ep149:  fat canary with toxic burns

Ep150: posh Chris Griffin

Ep151: cocaine Pudsey

END

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast, and for the podcast until after the summer if we’re still here by then and Boris Johnson hasn’t started a war by trying to sell Northern Ireland to Donald Trump to use as a golf course. Thank you for listening over the past, well, ages, and if you do enjoy the show, please don’t forget to tell others to listen, drop us a nice review on any of the pod apps and donate to the Ko-fi and Patreon accounts. Most importantly though, have a lovely summer time whether you’ll be traversing the world one last time before British passports just become a useless bit of blue paper, or if you’re spending every day just wishing your children were back in school. Whatever it is, do make sure you remember that winter is worse and you’d better get used to it as it’ll be always summer in about 15-years time, like a reverse and less entertaining Game Of Thrones.

Thank you Acast for hosting the show, my brother The Last Skeptik for all the music and he’ll have a new track out this Friday so do look out for that and to Kat Day for typing up all of the linear liner notes.

See you in September by when I’ll be asking

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by that tiny fleeting sound of hope you can hear inbetween the tramplings of a giant man toddler’s clompy destructive feet, and then as you listen closer you realise, no, its not hope, it’s the relief that at some point, we’ll all die and get a break. Have a lovely summer, don’t forget to wear suncream.

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