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Episode 169 – A look at last week’s election in all its gory horror, a chat with Tatton Spiller at Simple Politics (@easypoliticsuk) about the breakdown of what happened and what happens next. Plus a quick ParPolBro farewell to squirrel hunter Jo Swinson.

ParPolBro will be back after the Christmas break. Have a very merry time and wishing you some snappy new gear!

Links and sources of info from Tatton’s interview:

• Tatton’s book ‘The Breakdown’: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Breakdown-Making-Sense-Politics-Messed-ebook/dp/B07RG7WPT5
• Simple Politics: http://www.simplepolitics.co.uk
• Simple Politics Shop: https://spstuff.co.uk/

Other links:

• Things You Can Do If Feeling Powerless About The Election Results: https://mashable.com/article/uk-general-election-charities-to-support/?europe=true&fbclid=IwAR1An8W9fEVAMs0gzkc83HgxD03paV5AJoxn43a0BLli19NSdf0xS1pIY44

All the usual ParPolBro stuff:

• • Twitter – twitter.com/ParPolBro and twitter.com/TiernanDouieb   
• • Facebook – www.facebook.com/groups/ParPolBro 
• • Website – www.tiernandouieb.co.uk/podcast
• • Donate to the Patreon – www.patreon.com/parpolbro
• • Buy me a coffee – ko-fi.com/parpolbro
• • Review the show on iTunes – itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/partly-political-broadcast/id1075342863?mt=2 
• • Review the show on Stitcher – www.stitcher.com/podcast/partly-political-broadcast
• • The Last Skeptik – www.thelastskeptik.com
• • Kat on Twitter – https://twitter.com/chronicleflask
• • Buy Kat a coffee (go on, spread the love) – https://ko-fi.com/katday

Transcript

POST MORTEM EPISODE

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that would like you to know that when a joke doesn’t work, it’s because of the media. This is Episode 169 aka the election post-mortem, I’m Tiernan Douieb and as the dust settles, most of it occurring from the Infinity War like dissolving of remain hopes, we can now all rejoice in the most wonderful time of the year. That’s right, blame season, when everyone left of right gets together with their most loved echo chambers and shouts about how everyone else got it wrong, like losing a war, then killing half your own troops because next time victory will definitely be easier when most of your side are dead.

Prime Minister and the inside of a barn after someone had an illegal rave in it Boris Johnson, urged Britain to find closure and let the healing begin, though he didn’t specify how much it would cost and what level of insurance you’d need to access it. Yet weirdly, the man who spent the election lying, dodging scrutiny, attacking his opponents with untruths and dog-whistling xenophobia, is, in this post-election haze, not wrong. It’s just that really the healing should be on the opposition sides so they can work out how to curb whatever Johnson’s majority government will now inflict on Britain. From a hard Brexit or no deal, all the way to his new immigration department separate from the Home Office which will make Priti Patel aka Violet Beauregarde but if she refused to eat foreign sweets, really upset as now she’ll miss out deporting people as well as hanging petty thieves, so what will she do to fill the time? But a potential UK version of the US’s ICE, which might get called Splash of Milk, is just part of Johnson’s planned Whitehall shake up. There is also the merging the Department for International Development with the Foreign Office, which means thrombosis head Dominic Raab could soon be in charge of telling poor people around the world that they just have a cash flow problem. The Department of International Trade may merge with the Department of Business, as UK’s companies collapse, and we have to ask helium balloon Liz Truss to persuade big companies from abroad to run John Lewis.

But what you have to remember is that the safety of anyone who isn’t white or British, or people with disabilities or anyone in poverty, just isn’t important. What’s really important is why Labour failed and who can we blame for it? Is it Labour leader and charcoal sketch of an old sheet in the wind Jeremy Corbyn’s fault for not being absolutely anyone else on the planet, something a simple Doctor Who style regeneration would’ve fixed if he wasn’t so stubborn about not doing it? Is it because Labour Brexit stance of calling for a second referendum didn’t go down well with voters who thought everyone who voted differently to them last time was wrong and so why do it again? It turns out you don’t need two wrongs to make a right-wing government. Is it that Labour’s extensive climate change tackling politics turned off voters who, based on the last few years, think it’s for the best if we all just sink?

Or maybe it’s the media’s fault for consistently scrutinizing the party’s policies and asking stupid questions like if they’d nationalize sausages, while on the other hand just focused on that time Boris Johnson ate a scone like a truffle pig delivering cunnilingus then forget to interview him at all. But we all know that’s not true as everyone in the UK knows all these politicians personally and only ever hears their views and policies directly from them so I’m really not sure how you’d influence that. At the same time, maybe media would’ve been more helpful if the leadership and various oft interviewed members didn’t treat every interview like it was an audition for one of those prank shows where you try your best to get fired from your job. According to an opinion poll carried out after the election, 43% of people who didn’t vote for Labour, chose not to because of its leader, with 17% blaming its Brexit stance, and 12% its economic policies. Yes most people hated a man they’d very unlikely meet ever in their lives, so much that they’d prefer it if children died. I’ve not felt like that about anyone before though to be fair, Gregg Wallace hasn’t run for PM yet. This also suggests that had Corbyn pushed for austerity and a hard Brexit Labour might have just won or more likely everyone who voted remain would’ve hated him and he’d have still lost. Or maybe if he’s campaigned for remain then everyone who voted leave would’ve hated and him and they’d still have lost. Ultimately there was no more unifying thing to do than make everyone angry. Or maybe he should have just shaved his beard and called himself Neremy Jorbyn weeks before the election, it might’ve helped. But this also suggests that a brand-new leader will be what Labour needs to get it to victory, much like we all know the party did with human doorstop Ed Miliband. Another poll suggests that a large percentage of young people voted Labour while older groups voted Conservative, so possibly what Labour need to do is ignore future generations and come up with a slogan like ‘for the veiny, not the youte’. Despite calls for him to go, Corbyn is still around because nothing will help the party like him facing up to Johnson and taking a verbal beating. Though perhaps that’s his way of answering people’s requests not only for him to go, but also to apologise and then when he did, said he didn’t do it properly. Maybe his plan is to appease the public and clear the way for a new leader by stripping off after the Queen’s Speech and walking through the commons as everyone rings bells and shouts ‘shame’ at him. Really for a party where the leader was voted for by members as were the policies, the only real way to appease everyone who’s angry about what’s happened is just to dissolve the entire party then start it again with leader, members and MPs all being picked at random by deed poll. Then as its policies each time just result in ‘Boaty McBoatface’ said over and over again, everyone can rejoice that at least now without decent broadband they won’t have a clue what’s going on. What is also clear from post-election stats is that while the Conservatives vote share only gained 1.2%, the Labour vote largely disappeared to the Brexit Party or Lib Dems depending on the area, and so maybe the only way they could win next time is by hiring ninjas to destroy all their fringe rivals or absorbing them like political flytrap.

So all eyes are on the leadership contest that will be taking place next year, because better there than on the government that’s currently got power to do everything and only a few months ago unlawfully shut down parliament, have lied about everything and are generally terrible humans, but hey, let’s all focus on the one’s who lost and can’t do anything for 5 years. I honestly don’t know why the news doesn’t just show pictures of pretty lights while Home Office ministers walk right into your house and get rid of your nan. Leadership contenders said to include mouse turned into a human by magic Rebecca Long-Bailey, Chippi Wrongstocking Angela Rayner, Flagbotherer Emily Thornberry, Jenga block with a face Keir Starmer, Lisa ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ Nandy and Jess Philips who genuinely does think that song is about her. While each of them represent different factions of Labour’s supposed broad church, we can be certain that whoever wins, all the others will spend the next 5 years telling them why they’re wrong while Boris Johnson comes up with a three word slogan like ‘eat more pie’ or ‘punch more wasps’ and wins an even bigger majority in 2025, despite the day where he managed to run over three kids and a dog, or when he called The Queen a shitbag. The big questions are, who will unite the North again after the fall of the Red Wall, which having watched a lot of television I’m certain it has to be one of the Stark family. Many are also asking, who is it that the Conservatives fear? On that basis the next Labour leader either needs to be an entire generation of children, or Andrew Neil.

The Liberal Democrats are also on the hunt for a new leader who can inspire the electorate to give them almost exactly the same amount of seats in the next election as is their tradition. With former leader and the sort of person who’d try to organize your wedding for you without ever asking what you want Jo Swinson, now out of the picture and seatless, the party is temporarily helmed by Simon Day character Ed Davey and constant panto season Baroness Sal Brinton because no one trusted Ed Davey to do it by himself. The race is now on between the other 9 to see who can lead or at least just be. The question also arises of now that Brexit is definitely happening, what will the party’s new stance be with Remain? Rejoin? Leave but maybe don’t do it all at once? How about we leave but everyone learns French anyway? Hey, what did you think of our help to rent plans? One of the frontrunners, or rather sideways crab walkers, is Layla Moran, a sort of what if Janet Street Porter was even more smug, and she insists that an appetite for progressive politics is still there, though that could be because after 5 years of Johnson government people will be so hungry they’ll eat anything.

New cabinet appointments have been made, with Culture Secretary and startled deer in the headlights of a go cart Nicky Morgan, being replaced by Nicky Morgan but she’s now got a peerage, so it’s like leveled up Nicky Morgan, a startled horse in the headlights of a 4×4. It feels somewhat ironic that the government have got a new Culture Secretary that is the existing Culture Secretary, though I’m sure Morgan will now think there’s two of her. Its sort of like the Ship Of Theseus Paradox, something that Morgan 1 or 2.0 won’t have heard of as her favourite music is Robbie Williams. I look forward to yet more culture policies that are essentially the Now That’s What I Call Shit Ideas That Are Massively Detrimental To The Arts Volume 78. Smug drainpipe Zac Goldsmith has also been given a peerage, despite losing his seat in the election, and has retained his cabinet seat as Environment Minister because who better to work out what’s best for the climate than the man who couldn’t figure out the atmosphere of his own constituency? Sometimes I remember former Prime Minister old arse face David Cameron saying ‘we don’t reward failure’ and then I laugh and then I cry.

Boris Johnson has finally approved the release of the report into potential Russian interference in the election, because the secret to a comedy government is timing.

It can’t actually be released until a new Intelligence and Security Committee is appointed. Luckily Johnson has several former KGB agents ready to take up the task. It is also looking like he’ll ditch his promise to guarantee workers’ rights and environmental standards after Brexit, but hey, at least he’s filling that ditch with something, right team? Team? Team?

And newly elected Tory MP Miriam ‘I definitely say it’s wine o’clock’ Cates has been criticized for owning an app which charges foodbanks to list what items they need on it. Typical Conservative assuming it’s her that should be propped up by the banks and not the people.

There will be a new Queen’s Speech at the end of the week where her Maj will no doubt tell us about all the things the government won’t actually do, while all the time hoping that as she’s in the commons, someone has Prince Andrew all trussed up like Hannibal Lecter so he can’t get in more trouble. Then it looks like the Withdrawal Agreement Bill will be passed just in time for Christmas so we can all enjoy our dinners knowing they may well be our last as next Christmas is spent fighting each other over tins of beans.

And lastly, Brexit Party leader and dropped gravy skin Nigel Farage, after aiding the Conservatives in their win, has said that he will change his party’s name to the ‘Reform Party’ once Brexit has happened. I’m not sure if that’s advocating electoral reform or just what he has to do every day once he’s been tipped out of his bucket in the morning.

ADMIN

Howdy you. How are you feeling after the weekend? YES OK I’LL BE LABOUR LEADER, I’ll do it. But my campaign will only be about tasty snacks for all, and good booze and I’ll rename the party Brew Labour, and our symbol will be a good dog, a Labrador obviously, with a rose shaped ruff and the dog will do all the major speeches. You in?

Sorry, had a moment of confidence there. Hope you enjoyed, if that’s the right word, the bonus episode I put out on Friday, which I hope helped you along. I then avoided all social media for the weekend as it seemed to be a hive of people who thought it was more fun to tear each other’s beliefs apart rather than you know, actually reassure anyone that they’ll do what they can to help them over the next 5 years or donate to charity or be of any use whatsoever. If you’re feeling at all despondent, the facts and figures are useful in terms of seeing just how many people didn’t vote Conservatives, or didn’t vote, or are children or are dead. All I’m saying is that there’s definitely a way to fight back if we can somehow control the ghosts, like Aragon does in Lord of the Rings. There is a ton of stuff that has me very worried about the next 5 years, especially for those who’ve already had an incredibly shitty 9 years and I posted a good article on the Facebook group of charities that you may want to donate to or offer to volunteer with if you can. I’m fully aware that this is just David Cameron’s big society being realized through force, but I feel like there’s not much else that can be done for the next 5 years other than be more pro-active at giving a shit about the people around us a bit more. I mean, either that or we all get better as a species at hibernating all year round, getting our vitamins from pictures of the sunshine through our computer and only eating our own dead skin, in which case fuck everyone else, I’m living my pod life. But I think the former is much better for us all, and as one of the people I interviewed for the Future Curious podcast I also host said to me, being active not only helps others but also helps your own mental health as you don’t feel completely useless and despairing. Incidentally the most recent episode of that is the top ten predictions for 2020 innovations, and no, it isn’t just various things that might help you during The Purge.

So this isn’t a long episode as there’s not that much to say yet, and it’s the last one before a little Christmas break, even though I know there are things happening this week but I just need a bit of a breather from it all before I become a mumbling exhausted mind mess. I will try and pop a few bonus bits out here and there but unless lots happens I don’t plan to bring the full pod back till mid-January but hey, we’ll see what happens. Until then, thinking about how we prepare for the future, what would you like this podcast to do more of? I’ll keep the gags in obviously, but should I be focused on talking to more localized campaigners? Or maybe people who have tackled issues successfully in other countries? Let me know what you’d like to hear. It’d be good if this show can-not just make you laugh instead of cry though the Johnson premiership, but also be of use somehow.

So just quickly, thanks firstly to Bagwallah on Twitter who gave me the heads up on one of the gags in the intro this week which is much appreciated. Also thanks to Lawrence who came along to one of the Frankie Boyle gigs I’ve been doing support at and apologies for my weird inability to talk but had post gig no sleep brain and I am often shit at having a chat after a show. Just a warning to you all out there. It’s like I’ve spoken loads on stage so I almost run out of words afterwards. Hard to explain, though perhaps easier to do so by just saying I’m shit offstage. But very much appreciate you coming along Lawrence, lovely to meet you and shout out to any of the rest of you who’ve listened in because of those gigs. As I mentioned on the post election episode on Friday, I am very grateful for any donations and shout out to Landlord on the Lamb for chucking us a few quid on ko-fi.com/parpolbro, and of course you can also donate to patreon.com/parpolbro, but what with the results, I would prefer you took that few quid and threw it to a charity that needs it right now, a homeless person you walk past everyday, pop more stuff in the foodbank deposit and all that. I am actually quite well stocked up on coffee for Christmas so I’m ok. However, if you can do both, I won’t argue with you too much. Thanks also to whoever gave the show a nice review on Apple Podcasts. If you haven’t done that yet, plus pop 5 stars on whichever pod app you use as it’d be nice to start 2020 with even more listeners to hear my weekly screaming sessions.

So, this week, as I said, it’s a mini-one. I’m chatting to my pal Tatton from Simple Politics as he gives a quick non-partisan breakdown of what happened and the timetable of what’s to come. Plus, a quick farewell to everyone’s favourite squirrel hunter Jo Swinson. And then, I’m off to hide for Christmas. But before that, get your lugholes round this:

TATTON INTERVIEW PART 1

There is a lot to take away from last week’s election. Preferably take it away, then put it in a bin, then set fire to it. There are for example, things like how the majority of people under 50 voted Labour then from 50-80 voted Conservatives, then 80+ voted all over the place, suggesting that if you’re of a certain age, the last thing you want is young people enjoying their lives. I mean to be fair, the older I get and the more I see them being able to drink without hangovers and going out without having to pay a babysitter and all that, I do get twinges of thinking ‘oh well I hope you have to work 3 jobs’ so I understand. I don’t really, I was just trying to be balanced. Loads of stats and numbers all dwarfed by opinions and anger or elation and look, for this week’s shorter pod I just thought it’d be best to do a quick debrief with multi-time pod guest and my pal Tatton Spiller from the brilliant SimplePolitics.co.uk who not only knows what’s going on but is also completely non-partisan in all his work. That means it stops me from yelling ‘but why would they vote in a man who sends his dad to do things for him?’ or that sort of thing, and just find out from Tatton briefly what has happened and most importantly, what now will happen. SimplePolitics.co.uk is an excellent site where Tatton and team break down everything that is happening in politics in a way that even primary school kids can understand it, which is why when he talks to me he has to break it down even more so. Hope this gets you up to speed with the whats, where’s and when’s without so much of the why’s for now.

Here’s Tatton:

And we’ll be back with Tatton in a minute but this week I thought with the swift departure of Liberal Democrat leader Jo Swinson as she lost her seat in East Dunbartonshire, it was only right to give her a ParPolBro farewell. So Jo, the woman who should’ve learned from Boris Johnson and just not turned up to stuff as that way people may have liked her more, here are all the descriptions of you from podcasts past:

Jo Swinson is the Jar Jar Binks of Politics

kid who chooses to stay later at school to help the teacher tidy up as a cover for not having any friends

kid who always volunteers to read things out in class

I’ve always just walked in from the cold

yes she’s definitely the one that told on you for smoking behind the bike sheds

Bing but all grown up

Lisa Simpson on cocaine

out of season shopping centre Santa’s Helper

extra from Peanuts

someone who always looks like she’s posing for a best temp staff member of the week pic

tall gnome

always looks like she’s smug that she’s been made head girl yet again

Oh wow. That was it. God, even on the podcast she didn’t get that much coverage. If she’d just taken me to court about it, I could’ve thought up at least 20 more unflattering descriptions. Good luck in your future career Jo, no doubt as some sort of professional squirrel hunter.

And now back to Tatton.

TATTON INTERVIEW PART 2

Thanks as always to Tatton for that. Tatton’s book that I’ve talked to him about before on this podcast, is called The Breakdown and its such a good guide to the very basics of ideologies across British politics. You can get it in all them book selling places and potentially some places that sell books and other things like cards or even pets. Simple Politics is of course, at simplepolitics.co.uk, on Twitter @easypoliticsuk or Simple Politics on Facebook and Instagram. There is a lot of good stuff on the SP store too, if you have time to grab it before Thursday in time for Xmas for your politics loving loved one. That’s at spstuff.co.uk. I’ll pop a link in the pod blurb too.

Who should I talk to next year? What on earth do you need to know more about? Let me know which interviewees or subjects to interview people on and you can do that by dropping me a line via the contact page on partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk, the @parpolbro twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast facebook group or email me at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or maybe write me a letter with your festive wish list and then on Christmas Eve, leave out a large glass of whisky and some crisps and I’ll illegally break in, steal those things, then get too pissed to remember what your note said and all you’ll get on Christmas Day is an awkward staring match with the hungover man on your sofa, covered in crisps. As always, it’s probably best just to email isn’t it?

END

And that’s it for this year’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. There might be one or two mini things coming out over the Christmas period but otherwise I’ll see, or er hear, no wait you’ll hear me. You’ll hear me next in 2020. Unless you listen to this more than once. Or have secret cameras and wire taps in my home. If it’s the latter, I swear that was thunder. Definitely wasn’t me. Definitely thunder. Please don’t forget to review the show, spread the word about it, donate if you can, but mostly have a breather, ignore all the politics for a few weeks, remember that not everyone is a bastard but everyone who wears red trousers definitely is. Yes, including you Father Christmas. Total bastard.

Yuletide thanks to Acast for hosting the show, my brother The Last Skeptik for all the music, to Kat Day for all the linear liner notes and to all of you for continuing to listen throughout the year like the good little listening types you are.

This will be back next year when I’ll no doubt be reporting on how Boris Johnson tried to grope Santa on Christmas Eve, causing such a fracas the police raced inside number 11 and then got called Labour activists for doing so.

Have a very Merry Christmas, Hannukah, Winterval or just cold, dark, wet week where everyone goes away and you can have some peace and quiet. And despite the election results, may you have a happy new year, or at least one where we all find new ways to tell Johnson to fuck off.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by The Panini Big Book Of Labour Leadership Contenders, where every page is specially designed so that you can never get the sticker you think you want for it. Sure, do swapsies all you like but there is no David Miliband sticker because it went off shelves and out of date years ago, please stop contacting us about it. Please stop. Please.

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