Further Reading

Linear liner notes

Who knew Donald Trump would get COVID? Oh wait, yes everyone. It’s amazing its taken so long. And now he’s out and about causing actual election fever. Meanwhile the UK government can’t use Microsoft Excel, the PM doesn’t know what the Coronavirus restrictions are, Priti Patel is still horrible and thankfully no one could watch Michael Gove. A standard week in 2020 then. Plus a chat with Ellie Fishleigh (@_machiavelle_) about why you shouldn’t treat comedians like journalists. Oops.

Key links and sources of info from Ellie’s interview:

• • Ellie Fishleigh on Twitter – https://twitter.com/_machiavellie_
• • Shout Out UK on Twitter – https://twitter.com/Shoutout_UK
• • Shout Out UK on Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/Shoutoutuk
• • Shout Out UK website – https://www.shoutoutuk.org/   

All the usual ParPolBro stuff:

• • Twitter – twitter.com/ParPolBro and twitter.com/TiernanDouieb   
• • Facebook – www.facebook.com/groups/ParPolBro 
• • Website – www.tiernandouieb.co.uk/podcast
• • Donate to the Patreon – www.patreon.com/parpolbro
• • Buy me a coffee – ko-fi.com/parpolbro
• • Review the show on iTunes – itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/partly-political-broadcast/id1075342863?mt=2 
• • Review the show on Stitcher – www.stitcher.com/podcast/partly-political-broadcast
• • The Last Skeptik – www.thelastskeptik.com
• • Kat on Twitter – https://twitter.com/chronicleflask
• • Buy Kat a coffee (go on, spread the love) – https://ko-fi.com/katday

Transcript

Ep204

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that is always fearless but with common sense, which is why this week’s show has been recorded while driving around with my eyes closed, just you know, not at night-time. I mean c’mon. I’m Tiernan Douieb and the big story is that US President and remains of a bouncy castle fished out of a quagmire Donald Trump contracted COVID19 at some point last week, something that has shocked many as we all assumed he was too toxic to get it, and it’d just die on contact with him. Then again, if only we’d paid attention since 2016, then perhaps it’d be no surprise that he’s very open to interference by foreign bodies.

Much like Donald Trump himself, the thing with science is that no matter how hard you try to ignore it, it just won’t go away. It makes sense that the COVID19 virus would eventually get to him, no doubt seeing just how efficient a super spreader Trump was when it came to straight up lies. Since March the BLOATUS has made statements about how America has the lowest mortality rate from COVID in the world, a statement that is only remotely true if you genuinely believe the baseball world series is a global event, but even then, is ruined by Canada. Or there was the one about how injecting disinfectant would cure you from it, a baffling thing to believe even when you can get Flash: All Purpose. Then there was during first the Presidential election debate against the Democratic candidate and Touché turtle Joe Biden, where he said he only puts a mask on when he needs it, presumably it’s the only way Melania can cope to be near him, and that he’s not like Biden as every time you see him he’s wearing a mask. Which isn’t true as right there, at the debate with Trump, Biden wasn’t wearing a mask which really got in the way of Trump’s supposed jibe. It’s like shouting to the village ‘the apple will never fall back down to earth’ as a dozen granny smiths bounce off your cranium.

Biden probably should’ve worn a mask at the debate though, as it turns out Trump was probably infectious after an event on the Saturday where he announced to a packed audience of non-mask wearers, that Amy Coney Barrett, leader of the Dark Judges, was his SCOTUS pick. At least seven attendees of that event caught the COVID, so with credit to Barrett, she did sort of help justice get served. Then it was the debate on Tuesday, where three old white men, Trump, Biden and the chair, shouted over each other for 90 mins in something that was less of a debate and more like feeding time at a home for retired sealions. A particular lowlight was Trump being asked if he’d condemn white supremacists, and he responded by saying the far right group who sound like a sticker you’d give a kid for having a week of dry nights, the Proud Boys, should ‘stand back and stand by’. Not really a condemnation at all unless you’re taking over from someone you think is doing an inadequate fireworks display. The day after the debate, the President attended a fundraiser at his golf club in Bedminster, where it turns out he already knew his advisor and photoblend of failed 90s singers Hope Hicks had tested positive, proving that yes, it really is the Hope that kills you. Potentially up to 206 people were exposed to coronavirus at that fundraiser, which I don’t think is what Trump’s donors were hoping for in return. Though saying that, if they’re really hoping he has another 4 years in office, maybe it was what they paid for so they wouldn’t have to be around to witness it. On Thursday Trump revealed Hicks’ diagnosis and said he and Melania were self-isolating, though hopefully for her sake, not together and then we found out they both tested positive for COVID too. Many assumed it was a hoax, that maybe this was an election strategy to bolster support rather than everyone in America going ‘haha serves you right you prick’, but then he was taken to a military hospital and you knew it was serious or he’d have dodged trying to get drafted there. Some Republicans think it’s China’s attempts to assassinate Trump, which seems like an overly long way round to do it, when they could just hire someone to slightly increase all the salt in his meals for a better and quicker result. Trump is in several high-risk categories for COVID being overweight, in his 70s and he has a weakened immune system or at least I assume he does which is why he gets so upset when anyone makes fun of him.

Over the weekend the messages have been mixed on exactly when they knew Trump had COVID, with some comments that he was in ‘good spirits’ which could just mean he’d drunk all of the hand sanitiser, but others saying he’d been low on oxygen, entirely plausible after he ranted non-stop at the debate on Tuesday. Something was definitely off as we were told he’d only gone to the Walter Reed military hospital due to an abundance of caution, something he can only have had because he’s never used up any of it ever before. Supposedly he took work with him to do, which again is proof he’s very unwell as he never did any of it at the White House when he was meant to. Though they could just mean he insisted he had a golf caddy in his room. Trump’s doctors say he’d been put on experimental drugs to tackle the COVID, but what if those drugs cause the side effects of making you glow iridescent orange, cause memory loss and incoherent speech, as now we’ll never know till someone else is given them. The President refused to hand over control to his Vice President and what if Lego figures could die Mike Pence, because if he did that, who would hold the door open or weigh the paper down? Pence’s COVID test was negative, despite being near the President several times in the past week, but it’s probably because he won’t let anything enter him unless his wife is in the room. While Pence has avoided it for now, along with Melania and Hope Hicks, several other Republicans have all tested positive including his press secretary, the Republican National Committee chair, a former Trump aide and three senators, proving Coronavirus to be the best opposition to the GOP that America has had in years. Trump is now supposedly feeling better, releasing a video saying that having the virus meant he’d been to the ‘real school’ and he’s learned a lot about COVID, so much in fact that he made an appearance in his motorcade to wave at supporters outside the hospital while still highly infectious, in what you might call a drive-by-crouping. The US Secret Service are livid that he may have put their agents at risk, but Trump’s brief trip in the car caused stock futures to rise, maybe because they know how much money would be saved on security if Trump killed them all off. It’s a shame he has to go through something just to learn about it, but that does mean there’s hope he’ll finally understand the law and prison system in the near future. Donald will be discharged from the hospital by the time you hear this and back on the campaign trail, as he tweeted that he felt better than he did 20 years ago,  which is funny as back then he was in the middle of a failed presidential campaign so fingers crossed. Trump said that people shouldn’t be afraid of COVID, because you know, they can all get experimental treatments at the best hospital. All this bodes well for Joe Biden, and not just because Trump’s attitude is unsurprisingly disrespectful of everyone who has lost someone to the virus. But also if he coughs his way round those rallies, all Trump’s most avid supporters might end up being too ill to vote. Really brings a new meaning to the term election fever, eh? There were concerns after Trump’s constant interruptions that the format of future debates would have to be changed, but now with him getting COVID, he’ll hopefully be sealed in a Perspex cage throughout, like a mime having their worst nightmare and hopefully they’ll sound-proof it too for the best result. Lots of Republicans who scream violence against anyone who disagrees with them, are upset that many have said this is what Trump deserves and hopes that he’ll die. But they should be pleased as nothing would prove that Donald is indeed their saviour than if he died and then they can wait around for three days to see if he’ll come back. Even if Trump feels better now though, COVID symptoms can get better before they get worse again and what would happen if both Trump and then Biden were incapacitated by it, meaning neither could be elected? Would Coronavirus become the new US President, and would Americans cope with a leader who genuinely doesn’t discriminate against anyone?

Over in the UK, Prime Minister and Nanny from Count Duckula Boris Johnson wished the President all the best and told reporters that ‘Trump will come through it well’ which is an image I never ever wanted in my head. Over here Johnson’s COVID headache is not being caused by having it, as he did that shaking everyone’s hands back in April in a rare event of the UK setting a trend ahead of the States. Here it’s just down to a huge rise in cases, which Boris Johnson has said is a result of the fraying of people’s disciple over the summer, because he’s the sort of person who’d turn up to your party, take a shit in your kitchen, then call up the next day to berate you for your unhygienic living standards. If his government aren’t to blame at all then why are their policies so confusing that once again the PM doesn’t even understand them? He said it was fine for people in the North East to still mix with other households outside which it isn’t, before then backtracking on Twitter and saying that he misspoke, one of those rare comments that once you hear it would realise is demeaned by him not apologising for it every single time he opens his mouth. The Business Secretary and Ursula from the Little Mermaid on a day off, Alok Sharma defended the PM against criticism of this blunder, saying the COVID rules aren’t a quiz show which is true, but imagine if you were on a quiz show and the subject was ‘all the stuff you are directly in charge of and responsible for’ and you still cocked it up. Does anyone understand the rules anymore? Johnson’s dad Stanley, like a dog chewed Sylvanian family toy, was snapped not wearing a mask twice last week in a shop, then the airport. Though he might well have a medical exemption as covering his mouth would mean he’d have to smell the classist bullshit that comes out of it and that might make him sick. Former Labour leader and George RR Martin looks unwell Jeremy Corbyn was papped attending a memorial for his friend with him being the 8^th person, as in breaching the rule of six. He apologised but you’d think he’d know better and that 8 is too much considering he’s always said for the many. Personally, I think it’s a nice thing to honour the dead by showing them they might have some company soon. The worst example of rule breaching last week though came from SNP MP and what if Carole Vorderman was possessed Margaret Ferrier who knowingly attended parliament and caught a train back to Scotland after receiving a positive COVID test result. A callous breach of the rules, an if the SNP hadn’t so quickly suspended her and called for her resignation, I’d almost think they were just stepping up their independence campaign by sending a biological weapon into Westminster. I mean, look if you’re gonna contaminate anyone it would be the front bench right? Then at the end of September every year we could all celebrate Margaret Ferrier day, where stand too close to each other in groups of six and get a penny for a masked Margaret effigy that we wash the hands of several times.

Johnson says he does not want a second lockdown and says that people should behave fearlessly but with common sense, which isn’t a thing. It’s like saying ‘stylishly but while wearing red trousers.’ If you’re fearless it’ll probably impinge on the common-sense bit. You’re not going to say, try and start a scrap with a grizzly bear but last-minute think ‘ohh but I’d better put some warm socks on to keep my toes warm as my legs are ripped off.’ Maybe what Boris Johnson wants is for us to be unafraid of the virus, but aware it may hospitalise or kill us, so just to be pragmatic about it. You know, I’m not scared of this virus so I’m not wearing a mask, but I have also packed extra pants and a book in my bag just incase I need something to do on the ward in-between coughs. It can’t be easy to make a decision on lockdowns when you don’t actually know the real figures as it was discovered that nearly 16,000 cases of coronavirus in the UK weren’t reported last week as there was a technical glitch, apparently caused by having the database in Microsoft Excel and it reaching its maximum size and not updating. Excel? Why were they using that for COVID cases? Did the Track and Trace team clearly misunderstand the term spreadsheet? Track and Trace has cost £12m so far, and yet they’re using a program like that. No wonder the government aren’t reacting to the rise in the virus quick enough, they’ve probably not noticed the extra tab or how to have several windows open at once. I now be unsurprised if the entire trace system is just done with post it notes, a pin board and some string like a crime scene investigation and Foreign Secretary and what if you put botox into a tin of spam Dominic Raab isn’t allowed to visit as he’ll panic and think they’re close to catching him. Hopefully there will be more scrutiny over all these areas soon as MPs voted to extend coronavirus legislation powers on the understanding that Health Secretary and oh god who left the work experience kid in charge? Matt Hancock promised that parliament will get votes on coronavirus legislation where possible. Though I’m sure what that means is that every time he’s asked, he’ll say it’s not possible this time as Windows 95 is updating and will take another 4 days before they can do anything with it, or all the floppy disks are full up. Johnson has said that it could be bumpy through to Christmas, which is likely when the roads will be full of collapsed government systems like the world’s most expensive speed humps.

In other news, MPs voted through the Internal Market Bill, by 340 votes to 257 because the Conservatives have decided their tough on crime stance is actually them taking all the illegal work so other law breakers will be made redundant. European Commission President and startled pastry Ursula Von Der Leyen announced that the EU would be starting legal proceedings against the UK, for not removing the parts of the Internal Market Bill deemed unlawful. Judging by how this government usually treats the law, they’ll insist they did nothing wrong and try to blame it on somewhere smaller that had nothing to do with it, like Jersey. The EU and UK have approved one more month of Brexit negotiations where they will intensify which probably means asking the UK’s Brexit negotiator and stack of wet Weetabix in the rain David Frost to stop using crayons and they won’t be explaining things to him with pictures and sounds. A further major concern of a no deal Brexit that’s been highlighted is that if it occurred, all UK intelligence would be deleted, which would mean it’d be on a par with government intelligence.

The Conservative Conference is currently happening, online mostly, which has led to them finally doing something in the public interest after the system crashed on Saturday and no one was able to see prebiotic soup Michael Gove. Win! Chancellor and animated door handle Rishi Sunak vowed to balance the books, something the Conservatives haven’t managed to do for 10 years now probably because they seem to think part of the way to do it is to close libraries. Sunak did the same old chat about how they can’t simply borrow their way out of a hole, something he should probably let the Prime Minister know about, and how he can’t save every job. Instead he echoed what many Conservative ministers have said this past week, that there will be job coaches to help people find work, which sounds a lot like you’ll be able to get a bus to your chain-gang. Apparently, people will be encouraged to work in growing sectors though there is no clue what those sectors might be in a country currently riddled with unemployment, so I’m guessing our best bet is lorry park attendants and grave diggers. Never one to be out-awfulled, Home Secretary and the only person who gets off on stepping on a sharp toy with a bare foot Priti Patel attacked human rights do-gooders, which I think makes her instantly a do-badders. She said they and lefty lawyers were blocking reform of the UK’s asylum system. Thing is, as leaked earlier in the week, some ideas for these plans included sending asylum seekers to an island 4000 miles away to be processed. Is this what was meant by an Australian style system? In that’s exactly what Australia do, or rather that in sending people to an island, the UK will just create a new Australia, that in years to come we’ll be copying the asylum plans of and hiring their worst representative to work for us. Maybe by sending them far away and it costing a lot of money, Patel is hoping to make asylum seekers truly integrate with British society by giving them an extreme boarding school experience till they too feel as bitter, unloved and neglected as those in government. Then she can hire them into the Home Office. Another plan involved having boats with pumps generate waves into the channel, forcing boats back towards France, which is so horribly cruel. Why not at least add a water slide, lots of banana boats, a jacuzzi, and some really high diving boards, call it the Channel Splash Park and charge slightly too much for tickets and then no one will come as it’ll never be the right weather for it. It is Boris Johnson’s conference speech on Tuesday, so it’ll have happened by the time you hear this, and while it’ll be the same hollow bluster as usual, Conservatives are apparently urging him to be more Old Boris. I couldn’t agree more, as Old Boris wasn’t Prime Minister.

The Covert Human Intelligence Sources Bill is in parliament as I record and will likely go through. If it does, it will allow undercover agents for MI5 and the police to break the law. That’s pretty scary and could allow them to really mess up some legitimate organisations and will stop victims of abuse or violence from undercover cops from getting justice. Labour are opposing the bill, and by that, I mean abstaining from voting because as you know the best offence is to not turn up in the first place and let authoritarians do what they like.

And Cineworld have announced the closure of its 663 screens, affecting 45000 jobs, blaming the delaying of the opening date of the forthcoming Bond movie, where it seems his secret mission was to close down all the cinemas. Thanks Covert Human Intelligence Sources Bill. Fucks sake. Boris Johnson has urged people to go to the cinema, probably just so if infections keep rising then once again, he can make us take all the credits.

ADMIN

I did promise that the intro comedy bit of these podcasts would get shorter but WHO KNEW TRUMP WOULD GET COVID? Ah yep that’s right. All of us. I wanted to call him the ‘Boy Who Coughed Wolf’ but I think I called Johnson that in an episode back in April. I find it amazing that he’s such a compulsive liar that everyone automatically thought ‘nah he’s lying, this is an election scam’ then within hours it was ‘nah he’s lying that he’s ok, he’s definitely fucked’. I can’t imagine being so untrustworthy that people can’t even trust what to think I was lying about. Were you hoping he’d die from it? I’ll be honest, I was, or at the very least, got it so bad it put him in a coma for approximately six weeks so it’d be Mike Pence having to front the election which would’ve been that sort of telly that’d be so bad you’d have to watch it. Yeah actually not death, as that’d let him get away with it all, and it’d definitely be better for him to witness losing then go to prison. Not that anything like that will happen I’m sure, but him getting COVID did feel like a tiny nudge that karma exists it’s just not as powerful as we’d like it to be having been overwhelmed for the last few years. It probably needs to offload some onto a different Hindu idea like Bhakti and then it could really devote some time to dealing with the small shitty occurrences like only wearing a mask over your mouth but not nose, or not indicating before changing lane, and making sure those people just stub their toe or lose their keys or something, so karma can be freed up to go all out on the big guns. Ah well, this episode will very likely go out of date within two seconds of releasing yet again. I’m still miffed about Alok Sharma responding to a question from Ed Miliband about all the jobs that are not being supported, by saying that people should just get better jobs. Thanks for sounding like my dad Alok. Joke, my dad is actually very supportive. It’s just such a mean statement, especially when coming from someone who’s part of a government full of people with fuck all experience of anything. I do wonder if they’re not supporting any sort of entertainment as that might cheer people up and reverse everything they’re trying to do. Urgh. Total bastards. Honestly, I think that’s why Trump getting COVID cheered me up so much. It was like the night the rumour spread that David Cameron had shagged a pig. In these weird, weird times, I will take the victories where I can.

Hello I mean. That’s how I should’ve started shouldn’t I? Hello you. Thanks for being back here yet again and thanks this week to Christine and Somebody for donating to the ko-fi this week and of course if you are against the idea of me getting a ‘better job’, possibly out of fear that I’ll end up at your work place and make it unbearable, then please do donate if you can to the ko-fi.com/parpolbro, join the patreon.com/parpolbro or drop us a few quid via the Acast supporter button. Obvs if you can’t, because honestly, who has money anymore. No one. I saw they’ve released some James Bond branded gold bullion for the new film. Pointless. Who wants or can afford that? GoldenWhy more like. Yeah, I shouldn’t have kept that gag in. Oh well. But yeah if you can’t donate, please do give the show a tasty 5 star review on them podcast apps or just tell other people that you like it so they too may tune in to hear me say exactly the same pleading requests every week for some sort of gratification and justification of my not proper job.

No points of order this week but I did do a really fun podcast record last week where I got to travel into town and actually see other real-life comedians like it was the olden days. Don’t worry, it was all safe and distanced and that, though the temperature check kept saying everyone was only 22 degrees Celsius so they scrapped that rather than accept we’d all died and hadn’t noticed. The podcast is hosted by the very fun Vix Leyton and is called Comedy Arcade. It’ll be launched October 17^th and no idea when my episodes will be in there but do a subscribe as I’m sure they’ll all be a fun listen/

Ok, on this week’s show, partly because I felt we needed a break from the very bleak, but also because the US politics happenings meant the person I was going to speak to got caught up in all that instead, so instead there is a fun chat with Ellie Fishleigh from ShoutOut UK on why comedians are not journalists and the importance of political literacy. Plus: A little look at the past few weeks of Conference Season which means I get to roll out that terrible, terrible jingle again. You’re welcome.

INTERVIEW WITH ELLIE

Where do you get your news from? Do you watch the actual television news like someone from the last century, occasionally checking your fax machine to see if it’s still working and having to fill up your oil lamp? Maybe you get it from newspapers that you read while riding your woolly mammoth to the gravel pit? Maybe you get all your news from Facebook, 6 days later than everyone else, and only the stories your racist Aunt is interested in about how people from abroad are plotting to put your bins out on the wrong night. Or maybe from Twitter where breaking news appears only as quickly as everyone’s instant bad takes on it? Some of you kind souls have said that you get your news from this show, which is lovely but worries me, because I don’t know all the news and I only pick the bits I can make jokes about or have felt particularly annoyed about that day. Meaning that if ParPolBro is your only worldly update there’s every chance you’re missing out on something really important such as that time that German nudist chased a wild boar or Gavin the Paddle boarding seal becoming a local celebrity in West Sussex. Both of those are real stories. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Thing is, with the news being often either farcical or depressing, many news programs becoming ever more sensationalist, and newspapers often having clear political bias, many do turn to other news sources, including that of comedians. In the US, the Daily Show has changed from being gag heavy to more news that has some funny stuff in it, as a response to what viewers need right now, a breakdown of issues as well as occasional relief. John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight has won awards for being the best current affairs show, despite it being hosted by a comedian and being full of gags. In the UK, shows such as the Mash Report are tackling serious issues as well as fictional sketches and silliness. But is it safe to get your news from clowns? If a comedian’s main job is to make people laugh, is it right to expect the same amount of research that you’d get from an investigative journalist? Aren’t comedians doing enough on TV right now with travel shows, reality shows, acting and everything else except actually telling jokes? And is this why people factcheck my wordplay gags on Twitter all of the fucking time?

This week, as a bit of light relief from the general despairs of the world, I thought it’d be nice to look at if light relief from the general despairs of the world is ok. After reading an excellent piece by Ellie Fishleigh a few weeks ago entitled ‘Comedians Aren’t Journalists, Stop Treating Them Like They Are’ I thought it’d be great to get her on the show to talk about it, so I asked her if she had time for a chat. Ellie is a journalist and also does communications for Shout Out UK, a brilliant social enterprise that aims to expand media and political literacy in schools and tackle misinformation. So I asked Ellie what the difference between comedians and journalists is, a question that I feel needs some sort of punchline about ‘one does hack gags, the other’s a rag hack’ but it doesn’t quite work. Hmmm. You wouldn’t get this sort of workshopping on a newspodcast, I’ll tell you that. We also talked about left-and-right wing comedy and if this podcast is dangerous. Spoiler, I think you’re ok to keep listening. Hope you enjoy, here is Ellie:

INTERVIEW WITH ELLIE PART 1

And we’ll be back with Ellie in a minute but first…

CONFERENCE SEASON

For me, the term ‘virtual’ still conjures up an exciting world of online exploration, fighting zombies, pretending you’re in another world, or just like in the film Lawnmower Man, making lots of landlines ring which wouldn’t happen now as no one has one. It’d be bleak being Lawnmower Man this year though as not only would you invade an Oculus Rift just as Facebook are discontinuing it, but then you’d find the most mayhem you’d be able to get up to would be gate crashing the UK Political Parties Conference season and you’d probably bore yourself back into an old flight simulator or something. Though to be fair, if you are an internet goblin, making sure no one could access the site while Michael Gove was on, was definitely an act of good. Yes, it is conference season, not that you’d know it unless you looked really hard. There’s no hubbub or political shows desperately seeking out comments from attendees. No videos where everyone points out how all the young Conservatives either look like they’ve killed before or have been whisked out of an am dram production of Wind In The Willows. Or both. No weird controversies as an MP said something at an afterhours event that may have had a swear in it or danced really badly at the disco or grouse shooting simulators, or party leaders coughing through a speech. Which is really odd considering the COVID infection rate. And really, there has been very little coverage of just what the parties want to do next, which I guess does make them appeal more to the public right now, as most of us don’t have a clue either. Instead, thanks to COVID, there have been speeches in front of one colour backgrounds, and speeches in corridors and all of them to the weird, silent blank response you can only get from an empty room. Trust me, I’ve done enough gigs to know. So, what have you missed? Well in order of appearance:

Labour’s conference was called Labour Connected which sounds like its somewhere between a dating site, an app to book manual workers or the world’s most uninspiring phone line. The party said the conference was about ‘people coming together, to create a fairer and better society.’ So, I guess it’s a dating site then. The event included online training on how to get more wannabe candidates for local and national government elected, which was apparently all about being more professional to beat the Conservatives, which is odd as really all they have to do is not support a 2^nd referendum and maybe get a very big bus. Shadow Health Secretary and employee of the Weyland-Yutani corporation John Ashworth said lots of really obvious things about how good the NHS is and all the ways the Conservatives are breaking it, before saying Labour wouldn’t though. Then Deputy Leader and member of the free folk beyond the wall Angela Rayner listed all the things the Conservatives are doing wrong with handling COVID before saying Labour would call them out, presumably by you know, abstaining on votes and then saying they support their policies. Leader and forehead worry lines but for a whole face Keir Starmer did a big speech where he said he wasn’t Jeremy Corbyn in about six different ways, before going on about patriotism just to lose the voters they did have last time round. It seemed a lot like what Joe Biden is now doing in the states where his entire platform for electability is just ‘well at least I’m not him.’ You may as well have the slogan ‘least shit’ and spend the rest of the day prancing around looking smug. There were no votes on policies this year and there’ll be no Spring conference either, so members won’t get to vote on what policies Labour do have till next Autumn. Meaning from now till then, it’s likely their main platform will continue to just be one where they point at the Tories and go, ‘yeah but I mean’ a lot. Not so much a progressive vision for the future but more a promise that one day you might be bored by politics again.

The Lib Dems Conference had leader and background character in a medieval re-enactment Ed Davey who told his party to wake up and smell the coffee, which sounds very much like you’ve stayed over at his, which is definitely a brutal morning after. He talked about being a carer for his disabled son and how he’d be the voice for carers, which is a good thing except that no one is really listening to him either. Party spokesperson for foreign affairs and woman who always looks like she’s being a contestant on a channel 4 show about cakes, or sewing, or painting, or something Layla Moran, did a big speech talking about all the places in the world she’s lived in. Which in times of COVID when no one’s able to travel, just felt a bit mean. She talked about being six years old and seeing children in Ethopia her age who had nothing and how her vision of Global Britain would be facing those kids and saying she helped to make the world better. Which is nice but I have a feeling they’d have no idea who she was and would be quite freaked out she just turned up at their homes. They did have votes at conference this year, taking on the idea of a Universal Basic Income which is good and means there’s a bit more backing to it being a possibility. Members also voted to push for renewed membership of the EU as a longer-term objective because with only 11 MPs they may as well have whatever policies they like because it’s important to be creative.

The Green Party conference had both leaders deliver their speech together but distanced to make you feel like you your divorced parents had planned an intervention about your drinking. Sian Berry and Jonathan Bartley said that the coronavirus lockdown showed us how Britain can be better with subsidised wages, homelessness fixed, supporting the NHS and not having to see your family. Ok they didn’t say the last one. They pointed out how many of their policies from the past few years have now been adopted by other parties such as universal basic income, investment in a sustainable economy and money for cycling. In fact its probably worth looking at Green Party policy now to work out what the Conservatives won’t be doing properly in 2030.

The Tory conference is currently underway with Boris Johnson’s speech happening tomorrow and we all know it’ll probably include lots of how we’re all doing everything together even though his dad isn’t. Then there’ll be loads of things he’ll say his party have achieved without pointing out how they’re only a fraction of what they should be achieving. Then he’ll probably have a funny name for Keir Starmer, then he’ll say something in Latin and I dunno, fart, fall over and rub his tummy. The rest of the conference so far seems to be a similar lack of substance with Priti Patel mainly shouting about how she hates them forrins and anyone who tries to stop her hating them, Rishi Sunak saying that he can’t do everything for everyone which is why he’s barely trying to do anything for anyone, and Dominic Raab saying that he was worried the Prime Minister would die of COVID. Because then like a sad dog, he’d have to spend the rest of his days just sitting outside number 10 whimpering, with no idea what to do. Then both he and the little bit of Micheal Gove people had to suffer, were all about levelling up, new opportunities blah blah blah. The Conservatives have spent thousands creating a virtual conference, because they love making things of little real substance and spending far too much money on it. Companies could pay between £6000 and £25000 for a virtual stall, an indication of what their business will likely look like after COVID and Brexit. Two potentially interesting things, if for some reason we have temporary naivety and pretend they won’t cock either up after costing taxpayers millions to do so. The first is the announcement of a new second Conservative Party HQ in Leeds, which is long overdue as they’ve only ever been able to ignore Yorkshire from London before, but now they’ll be able to do it while actually there. And there is supposedly a promise from the Prime Minister that he will get plans to help young people get on the housing ladder with 5% deposits which is so needed, though it’d still make buying in the south impossible and guaranteed the only houses around will be ones Richard Desmond has made for a fiver out of old tin cans and some lego. We will have to wait and see.

The SNP conference doesn’t have a set date yet but will likely be later this month and will also be entirely virtual so Margaret Ferrier can’t turn up and cough on anyone. And no idea if UKIP will have a conference as they only have an interim leader at the moment and he’s too stupid to know how a computer works.

Yeah, so that is this year’s highly underwhelming conference season. You really haven’t missed much and I can’t hear the crowds mourning for it with their favourite memories of past conferences like they did with Glasto or having friends. Who knows what they’ll be like next year but fingers crossed whether they be virtual or real, there’s somehow even less Michael Gove.

And now back to Ellie…

INTERVIEW WITH ELLLIE PART 2

Thanks to Ellie for the chat. You can find her on Twitter @_marchiavelle_ and her articles are on the aforementioned ShoutOutUK, which you can find at shoutoutuk.org or @shoutout_uk on Twitter, and Facebook at yep, ShoutoutUK. And do get in touch with them if you work in an educational facility place and are keen to get more about political literacy on your students’ curriculum.

All suggestions for future guests and things to cover are always welcomed so fingerpunch that keyboard and let me know the who’s and what’s @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast group on Facebook, the contact page at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or email me at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could run the name of the person in a route on your fitness app and then send me the image afterwards but I have a feeling that’ll only lead to recommendations for people with very short names or several terrible accidents as you’re forced to climb over houses or cross motorways just to correctly write an H or something. As always, it’s probably just best to email isn’t it?

END

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast which means, yes, it’s time for this week’s PARPOLBROHOTPOLGOSSFACT and with Trump full of the COVIDS, which other political leaders have been sick while in office? Only person born with a Chelsea Smile Tony Blair was rushed to hospital in 2004 while Prime Minister, complaining of chest pains, and was diagnosed with supraventricular tachycardia, something that doctors put down to his heart taking time off while he made decisions about Iraq. Blair told everyone it wasn’t a big deal and that actually he was fit and healthy, weighing less than he did a decade before, probably because a conscience can be very heavy. Former US President and chicken nugget for a head Franklin Roosevelt, a year before he died, had tests that showed he had high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, coronary disease and congestive heart failure. But his personal physician said he was perfectly ok, and there were absolutely no organic difficulties at all. Which was right as they were all largely caused by his chain smoking and tobacco then was full of additives. And former British PM and Pilsbury Doughboy Winston Churchill, during his second term at Number 10, was deemed to be ‘gloriously unfit for office’ by his biographer. He suffered a second stroke in 1953 leaving him paralysed down one side, and told he might not survive the weekend, but held a cabinet meeting anyway and no one seemed to notice any difference. Which some might class as bravery but I think if one thing you can say about someone is you wouldn’t be able to tell if they’d had a stroke or not, it’s not really a compliment is it? And I suppose in that sense Trump is indeed very Churchillian. And that’s this week’s PARPOLBROHOTPOLGOSSFACT. If you enjoyed it and the episode, then please do holler about it across the valleys, and send smoke signals across the plane, with the full details on how everyone should stream and listen in. If you hated it, then why not accept it as your penance for how mean you were that time you wouldn’t give your ice cream to that dog. Sure it was your ice cream and it wasn’t your dog but he’s not forgiven you and neither have I. If you can, please also donate to the ko-fi, patreon or Acast supporter page and give the show a lovely 5 star review on one of your so-called podcast apps.

Mega cheerses to Acast for pod hosting, my brother The Last Skeptik for all the music tunes, Kat Day for typing up the linear liner notes, Scott Napier for video subtitling and Katie Coxall for all the art stuff.

This will be back next week when it turns out that Donald Trump only survived COVID19 because it sensed a kindred spirit and merged with his blood causing him to mutates into a large purple orange floating virus particle coughing on Americans and has to be shot down by the army. He still wins in Florida though.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by Microsoft Excel. Your potential, our…oh no, sorry we’ve lost it. What was it again?

CLICK TO GO BACK