Further Reading

Linear liner notes 

The big news on Brexit is that there is still absolutely no news on Brexit. I mean there might be by the time you listen to this, or we might be STUCK IN BREXIT PURGATORY FOREVER BECAUSE OF SOME BLOODY FISH. But there is a vaccine. That the military may have to deliver BECAUSE OF ENDLESS BREXIT PURGATORY. Plus a chat with Liz Webster (@abcpoppins) at the Save British Farming campaign (@BritishSave) on just how in danger farming is from Brexit and the agriculture act.

Key links and sources of info from Liz’s interview:

• • Liz Webster on Twitter – https://twitter.com/abcpoppins 
• • Save British Farming website – https://savebritishfarming.org/ 
• • Save British Farming on Twitter – https://twitter.com/britishsave
• • Save British Farming on Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/SaveBritishFood/ 
• • James Rebanks on Twitter – https://twitter.com/herdyshepherd1
• • James’s books at Bookshop.org – https://uk.bookshop.org/contributors/james-rebanks 
• • Farmers Weekly magazine on Twitter – https://twitter.com/farmersweekly/ 
• • Farmers Weekly website – https://twitter.com/farmersweekly/ 
• • The Archers on Twitter – https://twitter.com/BBCTheArchers 
• • Listen to episodes of the The Archers – https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qpgr/episodes/player  
• • Country Life magazine on Twitter – https://twitter.com/Countrylifemag 

All the usual ParPolBro stuff:

• • Twitter – twitter.com/ParPolBro and twitter.com/TiernanDouieb   
• • Facebook – www.facebook.com/groups/ParPolBro  
• • Website – www.tiernandouieb.co.uk/podcast 
• • Donate to the Patreon – www.patreon.com/parpolbro 
• • Buy me a coffee – ko-fi.com/parpolbro 
• • Review the show on iTunes – itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/partly-political-broadcast/id1075342863?mt=2  
• • Review the show on Stitcher – www.stitcher.com/podcast/partly-political-broadcast 
• • The Last Skeptik – www.thelastskeptik.com 
• • Kat on Twitter – https://twitter.com/chronicleflask 
• • Buy Kat a coffee (go on, spread the love) – https://ko-fi.com/katday 

Transcript

Ep214

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics show that listeners regularly have to pause and find ways to drag it out longer than necessary because of significant differences. I’m Tiernan Douieb and as Prime Minister and custard thrown at a stained beanbag Boris Johnson prepares to go to Brussels and see European Commission President and small smartly dressed lion Ursula Von Der Leyen for crunch meetings, I’m not sure how him trying to do a sit up will is going impress anyone.

Of all the fibs Boris Johnson has told in recent years – the £350m a week for the NHS, 40 new hospitals, promising he was wearing a condom – the idea that he could Get Brexit Done is one of the biggest. It is depressing to note that the news at this point in the week is that there is still no news on Brexit and instead much like every other week for the past four years, all we know is that this is the final push though we still have no idea whether or not it will birth an incredible deal or just shit all over the possibility of one happening. Back when former Prime Minister and the only person alive with rigour mortis Theresa May said ‘no deal is better than a bad deal’ it was hard to comprehend that those would also be the only two options we’d be given, and she’s still be wrong about which was best. Trust the Conservatives to spend four years working super hard just to make sure absolutely everyone will be disappointed. It’s almost as if the entire exercise is a long-term project by the Bad Place to make sure that absolutely everyone gets tortured by it. EU Negotiator and that person who is in every business conference zoom call but no one knows who he is Michael Barnier and Chief Negotiator Of Task Force Europe, which is the sort of title you’d expect to find on a plastic toy gun in a newsagents, David Frost have been meeting every day for weeks to butt heads about the same three issues neither have the authority to make a decision on, you almost start to wonder if they just like hanging out. Is this the Ross and Rachel of global trade negotiations? It’s definitely just as fucking annoying.

There are still three main sticking points, not including the ones in Johnson’s trousers, and they are the same ones they’ve been for all of our lives. Fishing, because it directly affects David Frost’s mon calamari family, having a level playing field because its much harder to move goalposts if you have to lug them up a hill, and resolving disputes in case one side, and by one side I mean Britain, decides that rules are for chumps and oh we only broke them unintentionally or in a limited and specific way. Of course, there’s also still the teeny, tiny problem of Northern Ireland and absolutely everyone who lives there and needs to survive, but you know hopefully if no one mentions it again it’ll just sort of disappear and end up being ok. Actually, that’s not true. Michael Gove, who is used to ward away spirits, good and evil, met with European Commission Vice President and host a game show only shown on weekday afternoons on a channel no one likes Maroš Šefčovič and they decided that from January 1^st checks will be imposed on goods crossing the Irish Sea from Britain to Northern Ireland. So that gives businesses 24 days to do trading arrangements that’d normally take 18 months, but the Cabinet Office have confirmed there will be no grace period, which I think is stupid as it’ll just annoy the religious population even more. Four in 10 food suppliers have said they’d pause or reduce supplies to Northern Ireland because of the checks but I’m sure it won’t cause any problems with the Irish people if the British enforce a famine on them for a second time. I’m sure they’ll just be used to it by now right? The other actual big change is the British government have said that they’ll drop the clauses from the Internal Market Bill that would break international law, if a deal with the EU is done. Have they ever negotiated anything before? If you don’t co-operate, we’ll break the law and make things worse for ourselves? What kind of tactic is that? Can you imagine if they were in charge of a hostage situation? ‘Ok, release the hostage or we’ll stand out here and make our trousers fall down in front of everyone so they can point and laugh at our minute penises. You don’t want to mess with us.’ Maybe it’s the sort of thing you’re indoctrinated into from a childhood at boarding school, that humiliating yourself is a winning tactic, which means actually by letting the older boys towel whip you, it means you’re in charge.

So now Johnson is heading to Brussels which could help decide things if only because the EU might do anything to make him go away again, I know I would. ‘Oh yeah have what you like Boris, take all those biscuits if you need, just do it on your way out. And leave a window open yeah? Maybe even 5. Thanks.’ There is still a lot of rallying from Conservative MPs that a No Deal is the best way forward, even though a leaked 34 page report showed an assessment of the risks that could involve. Which among other things include a medicine shortage, a food shortage, price rises for food and fuel, border delays, fishing people fighting other fishing people like a low budget and somehow worse Waterworld and councils falling into financial collapse. There are also worries about protests but luckily we’ll be in lockdown three, four and five for most of next year so that’ll stop those from happening. The report says it’s not an extreme or worst case scenario, which makes you wonder what it needs to be for that? A hellmouth opening? An alien invasion? Michael Gove doing another rap? Even with that report being released, what happens when you leave a tissue in your trouser pocket and pop in the washing machine and former Brexit Secretary, if you’re allowed to have a title for a job you never bothered turning up to, David Davis, still insists there is nothing to fear from a No Deal. Of course he’s not scared, in the same way my daughter isn’t scared of strange matter because she has absolutely no concept of what it is. David Davis spent all those meetings without any notes and said Barnier was very French which probably meant he said it was ‘déjà vu’ when Davis turned up to a meeting clueless about what he was doing again and again. Other MPs including verruca Iain Duncan Smith told the commons we must have a sovereign departure. What is that? We have full power over leaving. Well, we do but no one on our side knows where the exit is and unless the EU shows us some options, we’re just going to fall out of the window with Duncan Smith yelling ‘I did this by myself’ on the way down.

The fact is, the Conservatives have never really known what the plus side of a no deal Brexit actually is for most of the country, so have had to make up a lot of words to disguise their possible excitement at getting to see poor people unable to eat. Its why co-chairman of the party and like someone hit a cake with a pan James Cleverly was doing the news rounds insisting that when Johnson said he had an oven ready deal, what he actually meant was the withdrawal agreement. You know the one that wasn’t a deal and that they then brought in clauses to dismantle and break the law with? No Johnson meant an oven ready deal, but like every meal he’s ever had, he assumed someone else would make it for him after ordering off menu for something there were no ingredients for. So there could be a conclusion to this by Wednesday, or it could keep going till the 31^st of December, whereby later that night we’ll slowly crumble out of the EU and the new year’s eve fireworks on the London Eye can be turned inwards to represent the pointless implosion of the country.

It’s not all bad news though as the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine has been approved as safe for use in the UK, and rollout begins this week. Though with this government in charge that could well mean into the sea or sent to staff at the NHS aka Ninja High School. Or worse that they’ve actually ordered 40m shake and vacs. Then it’s more than likely that to get one you’ll have to drive 500m to a building in a desolate car park where a 3 year old hired by Serco will fail to inject it in the right place several times before dropping it on their foot and you’ll catch COVID from the door handle on the way out. The vaccine has a 95% success rate so it’s surprising the government are that excited about it when all it’ll do it show them up by actually doing a job properly. The government are confident they’ll have 800,000 injections this week, but it’s hard to know if they’re including the vaccine, the syringe, the plunger, the person administering it and the packet it came in all as separately counted items. Top of the priority list are frontline NHS staff and care home workers, followed by elderly people in care homes, Stanley Johnson, Dido Harding twice, and then whoever has paid for Boris Johnson’s next holiday.

In order to prove its safety, the Health Secretary and the sort of person who calls builders ‘mate’ and assumes they will immediately like him Matt Hancock said he’ll have the vaccine live on air, which I can’t work out if it’s because he wants everyone to know he’s a brave boy, or because working near the fumbling biohazard that is the Prime Minister he’s most likely to catch COVID again very soon. Obviously proving the vaccine’s safety is important but I doubt Hancock getting it would persuade many and I think it’d be a far bigger boost to the country’s moral if the doctor administering it swapped the Pfizer concoction for some ketamine and we could all watch as the Health Secretary’s legs tried to run away from his own torso. And then did it again with the 2^nd jab 21 days later. Boris Johnson also said he’d have his vaccine injection televised live, which I think would work as it’d really show everyone how it’s nothing to worry about compared to a much bigger, far more dangerous prick. They should title the program ‘The Prime Minister gets shot’ and millions would tune in, only to turn off again in disappointment about a minute later. Alternative titles could include ‘stab the Johnson’ or just ‘jab the bastard’. If they really wanted British people to take it though, they should find a way to get it into alco-pops and I reckon everyone would have 5 or 6 the first opportunity they got to do a happy hour again. The vaccine will be distributed from Belgium which could mean problems in getting it delivered after Brexit depending on what happens, but the government have said that the British army could be used as no one knows better how to deliver shots to innocent civilians. I think though this could be Kent’s chance to reign supreme. If it’s not the army then all the vaccine carrying lorries could be backlogged along the M2 after Jan 1^st, and Kentish folk could either go full pirate and loot them before demanding a healthy ransom. Or they inject themselves with all of it and wander the country like invincible overlords taking what they please. I’m just saying, we’ve tried the Conservatives’ way and it hasn’t worked, so maybe it’s time for the Medway.

Matt Hancock claimed that it was because of Brexit that the UK approved the vaccine much faster than the rest of Europe, which isn’t true, as we’re still under the European Medical Agency remit till Jan 1st. He may as well have said it’s down to Brexit that we’ve had the most COVID related deaths out of all the EU countries, because hooray we’re world leading, but for some reason the Health Secretary wasn’t too keen on that comparison. Actually with the toll at over 60,000 we’re in fourth place for COVID deaths after the US, Brazil and Mexico, but they all have more than double our population so I think we’re really showing our productivity skills. A Number 10 spokesperson refused to confirm or deny Hancock’s statement but instead said that we’re the first country in the world to approve the vaccine and its very positive news. By which I assume they meant in terms of test results. It wasn’t just Hancock telling porkies incorrectly praising Brexit for the vaccine, but also thin white kook Jacob Rees Mogg who knows nothing about vaccines as he’s still certain you can cure illness by rubbing an onion on your head and sacrificing a villager. Hair wanker Michael Fabricant and plastic bag in the wind Nadine Dorries also hopped abord the bullshit wagon. While Education Secretary and the reason children cry Gavin Williamson said that Britain got the vaccine before France, Belgium or the US because Britain is a much better country. In what criteria? Vaccine getting? Or in just giving job opportunities to people like Gavin who shouldn’t be trusted to shovel horse manure without supervision. It is incredible that they thought anyone might believe they got the vaccine all by themselves when members of the cabinet apparently can’t even bully someone intentionally. The Education Secretary was defeated in court last week over unlawfully removing safeguarding for 78,000 children during the pandemic so maybe that’s what he thinks takes us to the top? Yeah, take that Chad, we respect the rights of the child even less than you so you can give us that medal too. And with an approved vaccine that means those kids will survive to be neglected by the government even longer. Best country ever.

Look I know I should try harder, but he does just look like a giant, really angry baby, so angry, so, so angry and probably needs winding, Deputy Chief Medical Officer Jonathan Van-Tam warned that we do need to be careful about the vaccine, saying that we need more of it, it could take months not weeks and that it’s not a yoghurt. I’m not sure if he meant because of how it needs to be kept in a fridge or if it’s to protect it from the government’s destruction of British culture. The Prime Minister also warned that it would take some months before the vulnerable are protected, which I think is an understatement as it’s least 4 years till the next general election. Johnson said the vaccine was ‘biological ju-jitsu’ which is what I reckon is what I reckon he’s put in his qualities on his Tinder profile. Transport Secretary and postmortem spasm Grant Shapps announced that quarantine rules are to eased for high value business travellers, meaning if you’re delivering the cabinet’s cocaine supply there’s no need to self-isolate. This is only for business trips that will result in a deal that creates 50 jobs or £100m in investment and performing arts workers, tv production staff, journalists and recently signed sports professionals are also exempt. How disappointing. It was only earlier this year we were told that coronavirus doesn’t discriminate so there goes yet another milkshake duck.

In other news, Environment Secretary and rejected Guess Who character George Eustice defended Millwall football fans booing players taking the knee by saying ‘Black Lives Matter is different to what most of us believe in’. The issue with a man as stupid as Eustice saying this is while I’m certain this is him being unable to find a clever way to hide the fact he’s doesn’t think black people are equal, there is also the chance that being a Tory, and former UKIPPer based in Cornwall he just doesn’t believe any people of colour exist and won’t until he’s witnessed them with his own weirdly small eyes. It’s a horrific statement to make and just vindicates the Millwall fans who decided the best way to honour finally getting to actually attend a football game in 9 months was by honouring their club’s tradition of being racist. Though many supporters online said it wasn’t to do with racism, they were booing Black Lives Matter because they are Marxists. Which would make sense as they probably completely approve of capitalism causing alienation and exploitation, or they wouldn’t have a clue on the best ways to be racist.

The Labour leader and monolith no one could care less about Keir Starmer is self-isolating for a second time, after one of his staff members tested positive for the virus though I’m certain they’ve just figured out a way to stop having to make really boring small talk with him in the office. The Labour Party’s official account tweeted that national security should be our top priority after it was revealed the government have cut £400m from the fight against ISIS. No it shouldn’t. Who do we need to defend ourselves against? Any terrorists turning up in 2021 will look around and go ‘nothing left for us to do here lads, they’ve beaten us to it.’

And Grantham council will underwrite a £100,000 unveiling ceremony for a statue of history’s meanest ice cream scoop Margaret Thatcher. Wow, that must be the most a local government has ever spent on public toilets.

ADMIN

Hey, hey, hey. It is weeks like this when I wonder why oh why I do a show on a Monday for a Tuesday release, when I could do one once a year on Christmas Day when nothing ever happens and then it’d definitely be still topical for at least 10 minutes till the Queen ballsed it up with a particularly provocative speech where she raps the lyrics to WAP and the monarchy is immediately disbanded, or something. I’m doing this bit before the intro bit so it will be as UP TO DATE AS POSSIBLE but right now, I’m back in not having a clue land and its nice but daunting. Should I be all chill knowing that from January nothing will be different, or should I be scrapping this podcast in order to put electric fencing around my flat to prepare for the purge? Exciting, worrying, also somehow immensely boring at the same time and of course there is every chance it’ll just be flung down the road for another week. Also, now there’s a vaccine being distributed, I’m now going to have to find another excuse to avoid social events. Stressful, stressful times. I’m not goibg to go on, it is late because I was waiting to hear if anything would happen with Brexit and of course it didn’t because I’VE LEARNED NOTHING.

Big thank yous this week to Somebody and Kim for donating to the ko-fi, and also to Ashley for joining the Patreon crew. It is of course the season for giving, so if you would like to be my secret santa then rather than send me something awkward or embarrassing that you found in the pound store, why not fling a quid or two to the Ko-Fi.com/ParPolBro, join the patreon.com/parpolbro team or donate at the Acast supporter button and then I’ll go and buy myself something awkward and embarrassing from the pound store all by myself. If you can’t donate because well, why on earth give me money when you would prefer to eat or pay bills or do something nice with it like donate to a food bank, then why not instead give the gift of a lovely 5 star review for this podcast on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Acast, Castbox or wherever you get your poddings from and say something nice while you’re at it. Failing all those things, just tell someone to tune in and that’ll do. Plus some socks. I always need socks. Thanks.

Couple o’ quick things. One is that I uploaded the wrong podcast file last week and so if you listened Tuesday to Friday you will have had a worse sound quality then from Friday onwards. I am sorry, I’m an idiot. I labelled both with exactly the same name and then picked the wrong one. I sabotaged myself and I have no idea why but I guess this year has been that bleak that I’ve taken to entertaining by self-pranking. I’m hoping I don’t put soy sauce in my tea or something. That’s what a school friend did to her brother and I often think about that and shudder about how badly that would ruin my entire day. So cruel.

On this week’s show, there is no Brexit Fallout because who knows if we’ll know anything by the time you hear this, so I promise to stick one on the last podcast of the year next week. What there is though, is a chat with Liz Webster at Save British Farming, who very kindly agreed to a super last-minute interview after the guest I had booked in had to drop out, for very good reasons ie they had more important things to do. So hugely grateful to Liz for that and it’s a really informative chat too. Plus a little look at when, where and how you might vaccine and if Bill Gates really does want to put tiny chips into your arm so you can eat them for your tea because yum, yum chip arms. Spoiler, he doesn’t but I’ll have a small chip arms please to takeaway. Loads of vinegar. Thanks.

INTERVIEW WITH LIZ AT SAVE FARMING PART 1

As a city kid who was raised vegetarian and still sticks with it – so I’ve got something vaguely interesting to say about my personality along with tea drinker – I’m aware I know very little about farms and farming. That is outside of nursery rhymes, Countryfile and visiting farm shops and saying ‘oh that sauce is expensive’ a lot. Oh, and that time we had a junior school trip to sort of theme park crossed with a real farm where our headteacher pointed to a load of strung up poultry and rabbits and said ‘I bet they’re well gutted’, and several children cried. Farming in the UK is a massively important industry worth £120bn, employing over 4 million people and providing roughly 64% of all the food we eat across the country, yes including those expensive sauces. Farming is under threat right now both from Brexit itself, which will affect exports, EU subsidies for farmers and also immigration meaning many seasonal workers will no longer be able to come to the UK to pick fruit and veg. Even despite many MPs insisting we’d definitely be able to cherry pick what we liked. But farming is also under threat from the government’s Agriculture Act that is pretending to be a climate change tackling, future proofing range of policies, but in reality is more likely to mean your dinner will have travelled more than your blue passport will allow. Home grown produce could be up against cheaper exported grub pumped full of more hormones than an angry teenager and produced by workers so exploited they make Uber seem like kings of human rights. Traditionally a large number of farmers have voted Conservative, and for Brexit too, but with these measures and lack of protections likely to make the industry unviable for many in agriculture, what exactly are the party meant to be conserving anymore other than their own self-interests? So at this late stage, can anything be done to secure the future of the British farming industry and our food supply? Or will I soon have to be singing to my daughter about Old McDonald with his substantial debts and efforts to retrain in cyber?

This week I spoke to Liz Webster, one of the team at the Save British Farming campaign who have been protesting against the government’s Agriculture and Trade Bills since earlier this year. You might recall on the news an event in July when loads of farmers drove their tractors to parliament which must’ve been noticed by politicians terrified by the idea of having to reap what they’ve sown. Liz explained to me just how important British farming is, just why they are under threat and how important those school visits actually are. You know, just maybe don’t take the headteacher along next time yeah? It was great speaking to Liz about an area I haven’t covered on this podcast before and the reality of just how Brexit could affect our food supply is really very scary. Oh, and I should point out that right at the end, she did indeed have a copy of Farmers Weekly to hand which was brilliant. Here is Liz:

INTERVIEW WITH LIZ PART 1

MIDDLE BIT – VACCINE

The vaccine rollout begins this week which depending on how things go with Brexit negotiations will either involve them being given to frontline healthcare staff and care home workers by the time you hear this, or they’ll be being smuggled out of Europe by the secret service like the world’s most unnecessary mission impossible sequel before being airdropped into the middle of a city centre where we all fight over them as the last vestiges of civilised behaviour disappear from Britain. The victor is claimed the immune god who will get to impregnate all the rest of us in exchange for luxury goods such as vegetables or Amazon vouchers and so will start the new normal. Sorry, got a bit carried away there. But there are a lot of questions you might have about the vaccine before wanting one jabbed into your eye, including should I have this in my eye, for which the immediate answer is no. Please don’t do that. Firstly go back to the episode of this show from 15^th September and listen to the interview with immunologist Professor Sheena Cruickshank about how vaccines work….done that?…. No? Yeah, just pause this show and then come back to it. No, don’t listen to at the same time. Look just ask someone who knows how phones work. Oh forget it. Ok. So here are some quick answers to some things you may want to know:

DID WE ONLY GET THE VACCINE BECAUSE WE’RE THE BEST COUNTRY?

No of course not. I mean, best country out of how many? Is it just us vs DR Congo? If so, they have better weather at least. Loads of idiots, sorry cabinet ministers have said that it’s because of Brexit that we’ve once again gone against all British sterotypes like total unpatriotic bastards and queue jumped to snaffle the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine first. Apparently, we’ve been able to speed it all up quicker than them forrin types because sovereignty and the Queen personally collecting it or something. Super obvs, none of that is true and it’s actually to do with, altogether now…. Regulation 174 of the Human Medicine Regulations 2012. What? Why didn’t you join in? Long story short, all vaccines in the UK until December 31^st are meant to be regulated by the European Medicines Agency, but since 2012 the UK Medicine and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency has been able to, under Reggie 174, give a temporary approval to unlicensed medical products in the case of a public health threat. Like you know, a goddamn pandemic. Or a zombie apocalypse. Or facehuggers or something. So that is under EU law and one of the exceptions that is allowed right there. The government has even talked about changed the Human Medicines Regulations 2012 but none of the changes would have affected how we got the vaccine and the real main difference why we’ve got it quicker than Europe is that they’ve decided to work together and co-ordinate efforts. Which you know, takes time unlike this loner who’s at the front of the queue but with no one to talk to or share the experience with while they wait in the cold.

WHY HAVE THE EU SAID IT MIGHT NOT BE SAFE?

They didn’t really, certain European politicians said they thought it was best to have longer, more thorough examinations before distribution, which the EMA will do. However, the MHRA began a rolling review of the vaccine in October, which wasn’t just checking if the vaccine was rolling with its homies, or in the deep or er…rawhide. It was instead analysing each package of data as it became available meaning they could assess it super quick time and from that they decided it was good enough to get going especially when with 60,000 dead from COVID and people being still too stupid to wear masks or not go to Harrods then they had to approve of something, or no one would be left to appreciate how shit Brexit will be.

WHY DOES BILL GATES WANT TO MICROCHIP ME?

Because he hates you and your mum. No look, of course no one will really know if there are side effects from this vaccine until enough people have taken it, enough time has passed and it’s become normal in society for us all to have insect legs poking from our cheeks and to speak in Microsoft Windows programming code. Really though an independent group, the Data Monitoring Committee have been checking for all that stuff and there has been nothing of note in all the trials so far, apart from a little bit of fatigue in some patients. Though are they sure that isn’t just the effects of 2020 because its so goddamn exhausting that I am tired everyday just from living through it? The vaccine uses messanger RNA or mRNA, no not MSN messanger, behave yourself. mRNA is a single strand of genetic code that has a small chat with your cells, who read it and make a particular bit of the virus’s spike protein which allows your bod to take it down and then if it comes into contact with the real OG COVID, your immune system is all ‘yeah I know you mother fucker, don’t you even think about stepping to me’ and then shank it the fuck up. Or something like that but with science words. You’ll need two shots, with the second one 21 days later as a reminder in case your cells are stupid and forgetful and can never remember a face.

CAN PREGNANT WOMEN AND KIDS GET ONE?

It’s pretty hard to test vaccines on pregnant women or on kids, because well, you try going round saying ‘hey would you and your unborn baby mind if I stabbed things in your arm and see if you both survived?’ It wouldn’t go down well. Same with seeing if people mind their kids getting tested on. Though there were days during lockdown when I’d have been happy to send my daughter to a lab if it had meant some free childcare. So official advice if you’re full of baby is to wait till your baby is born, and kids are unlikely to get an approved vaccine till late 2021.

CAN I HAVE ONE FOR CHRISTMAS IF I ASK SANTA REAL NICE?

No. But its going out to frontline healthcare workers and care home workers first, then everyone aged 80 and over, then 75 and over, then 70 and over and clinically vulnerable and then everyone called Susan, everyone who do that thing where you turn your tongue upside down, followed by mime artists, people in hats and then everyone except you. You’ll be last. Sorry, I mean ignore the last few. It’s basically descending age order and health needs so if you’re a fit young whippersnapper you won’t be getting jabbed till next year and that’s your fault for being one of those healthy gits who can eat what they like and looks good in those t-shirts. You know the ones. Stop looking smug. Stop it.

WILL IT DEFINITELY GET HERE ALL OK?

Well it comes from Belgium and the first lot has got here all ok but it does have to be stored in specially designed thermoboxes, containing dry ice at around -70c which means when they open them it looks like a proper sci-fi. It can only be moved once from those thermoboxes in batches of about 1000 without I dunno, exploding or going mouldy or whatever. Ok probably neither of those things but just you know, not very effective and they can be kept in a fridge for 5 days or 6 hours in a cool bag so you should be able to get them on Monday and have them for tea on Friday. The bigger issue is that they will come from Europe so how Brexit may affect the delivery of them after January 1^st is yet to be seen as we know it could up medicine getting to us. But apparently the army are on hand to transport the vaccine if they need and then the bigger problem will be finding them if they’re all dressed in camouflage as they could get lost in the undergrowth for months.

CAN I HAVE ALL THE VACCINES PLEASE?

The UK have ordered all the bloody vaccines. There’ll be 40m of the Pfizer/BioNTech one, but also 100m of the Oxford/AstraZeneca one, 60m of the Valneva one, 60m of the Novavax one, 60m of the GlaxoSmithKline ones, 30m of the Janssen ones which I think come from just one excited Swedish guy and 5m Moderna ones which I’m assuming are VIP or something and come from a free cocktail. But at the mo, no idea of the effects of having more than one of them, or if you take all of them you just become a giant COVID cell and float around coughing on all below until taken down by a superhero. The guidance says though that if you attend for your first jab at one place but have to take your second jab somewhere else, it should be reasonable to have the vaccine that is available there as they all work in pretty much the same way. But come on now, don’t be greedy eh?

Hopefully that’s answered any Qs you might have and also might explain why really, the country won’t be all COVID free till at least Spring or Summer based on just how long it’ll take to get everyone stabbed with magic cure. Or if Brexit does ruin everything, then we’ll all have to go round licking healthcare workers and hoping they might pass on the goodness through their DNA. I’m sure they’d like that more than clapping. Certain of it. Till then mask up, and er, get down. I’m such a dad aren’t I? Such a cringy dad. Sigh. Pretty sure cringy dads are at the bottom of the vaccine list even lower than people called Bernard…

And now, back to Liz….

INTERVIEW WITH LIZ AT SAVE FARMING PART 2

Thank you to Liz for not only having time to chat but also being up for me interviewing her at such short late notice. You can find Liz on Twitter @abcpoppins on Twitter, and the Save British Farming campaign is savebritishfarming.org with all details on how to support them or generate a letter to your MP. And they are @BritishSave on Twitter or Save British Farming on Facebook too.

Only one more full podcast left of the year and I have a great guest lined up. But next year’s post-Brexit shitstorm is going to be full of issues it’d be good to speak to actual clever clogs types who know about them about. Who and what will we need or shall I just find the person best at screaming to teach us the most efficient ways to make sure our yells of despair are heard across several counties? Let me know who to try and talk to and you can do that @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast group on Facebook, the contact page at partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or email me at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could write it on a mysterious shiny monolith and leave it in various odd locations around the globe hoping that I’ll see your suggestion once its spotted by a helicopter or wandering traveller but instead it’ll cause a load of extremist Christians to denounce it as evil and tear it down because getting up early on a Sunday gives them terrible anger management issues. Anyway, as always, it’s probably just best to email isn’t it?

END

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. As always, I’ve saved the worst till last and it is time for the PARPOLBROHOTPOLGOSSFACT. This week as Brexit negotiations may or may not finally have come to a close by the time you listen to this, assuming you’re hearing this in 2053, then what are the longest political negotiations of all time based on what I could find on google? In third place, is the Belgian political crisis, which started in 2007 after the Dutch speaking parties won electoral victory and wanted devolution of the Flemish bits from the French speaking bits. Parties argued, the electoral district around Brussels was split to represent the French bits and the Dutch bits and it ended up taking 194 days to form a government. But that’s nothing as it was followed by another crisis in 2008 which led to resignations and then another election in 2010 where it then took 541 days to form a government which if anything just means the opposing parties had to see even more of each other than if they’d sorted it out quickly. Belgium hold the record for the longest government formation in the world, beating Iraq who had spent 10 years under dictatorship & US invasion, but that’s obvs nothing compared to having to flat share with French people. Arf. In second place, is the Northern Ireland Peace Process which started in 1993 when then Prime Minister and half arsed charcoal doodle John Major and then Taoseich who always looked like he was from several decades before Albert Reynolds, signed the Joint Declaration of Peace. This included statements such as ‘The British government have no selfish strategic or economic interest in Northern Ireland’ because sadly a time traveller didn’t appear to let them know about the deal the Tories made with the DUP in 2017. An – apologies for a shockingly brief paraphrasing of a traumatic part of history, but an awful lot of negotiations and horrific violence later, the Troubles officially ended in 2007 with the DUP and Sinn Fein forming a government and the British Army ending their Operation Banner mission, so called because like Bruce Banner, they left a lot of damage while insisting it was in the name of peacekeeping. In first place though for longest political negotiation ever, it’s North and South Korea who are still technically in the Korean War which started in 1950 after the US and USSR established the country as separate nations. While the vicious fighting stopped in 1953 after North Korea, China and the US signed an armistice agreement, South Korea objected to the continued division of the country, so didn’t. That’s nearly 70 years! All I’m saying is I dunno why you’re all wanting Brexit over and done with, we won’t break any records with that. What we should do is stick a demilitarized zone down the channel and just see how it goes. Deal? Deal. That was this week’s very loosely themed and largely ignorant of all the nuances as to why all of those negotiations are different from each other and Brexit PARPOLBROHOTPOLGOSSFACT! Yeah. And I’ll be awaiting your detailed complaints about everything in that from my fake mocking of the idea of French flatmates all the way to demeaning the NI peace process by summing it up in 2 sentences. I am sorry. For more ill-informed terrible pop quiz finishers, why not tell all who exist on this planet and even mythical creatures that don’t, to listen and subscribe to this show, give it a lovely 5 star review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, CastBox, Acast or wherever you get your pod droppings from, and donate to the ko-fi, patreon or Acast supporter site if you can afford to.

Big time grateful noises to Acast, my brother The Last Skeptik, Kat Day and Katie Coxall.

This will be back next week when Brexit negotiations will still be fucking happening.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by Gavin Williamson’s Global Top Trumps Card Game. Fun for all the family to get together and pit country against country to find out just which is better! Includes every country from Great Britain to… Gavin Williamson’s Global Top Trumps for everyone who’s world view starts at home and doesn’t go anywhere else.

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