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Transcript

NEWSTRADAMUS PODCAST

INTRO BY ME

Hello you. I have briefly woken from my winter slumber hibernation period to….hahahah who am I kidding? I’ve just got back from the 600^th visit to the freezing cold park because there is nowhere else to take a hyper nearly 3-year old when everything is shut and spent the entire time telling her she didn’t have to go on the brand new scooter Father Christmas brought her but why would she ask for it when she seems to have no intention of doing anything with it except putting it in places around our flat where I’m about slip on it and break things? This bit, this bit of the year here that has been known as the merryneum, used to be so good for there not being anything to do but it turns out that when you’ve had a year of that, it’s appeal really wears thinner than the Brexit Deal MPs have just overwhelmingly voted for. Yes, that has happened, COVID infections are rising and there’s been a viral video of a robot dancing all of which have many, many complicated implications. I mean the robot one we all know will result in an all robot dance troupe on Britain’s Got Talent in about 20 years, who make a protest about the lack of rights for machines, resulting in 2m complaints and the fallout will eventually lead to the Matrix, though at least many of us will just be plugged in and won’t have to care anymore.  Sorry, what I mean is, there will be much time next year to look into whether when the Prime Minister and water balloon rubbed in cat hair Boris Johnson said the ‘UK is having its cake and eating it’ he actually meant that we won’t be able to cake get from anywhere else and absolutely nowhere else in the world will eat ours. So the podcast will return fully in a couple of weeks with input from clever bods to explain exactly what the shit all the new deal means. Until then, let me give you my review of the year, which is simply 1 star, disappointing performance. Far too long. While it was original to have such a large cast of villains, the plot was too over the top and rarely enjoyable. Still it was impressive how much of it was done over zoom. Right, and now you’ve had my words, it’s a customary ParPolBrod tradition as the year doth close and a new one begat-th-th, I am pleased to welcome back, with his predictions of what 2021 shall bring. Yes, it’s none other than…NEWSTRADAMUS

NEWSTRADAMUS

Greetings here and now losers, it is once again I, the pro-phet, the foreseer so good he’s a fiveseer, the fortune yeller, the yaaas-trologer, Newstradamus the Paul Knowing. Yes, I know someone called Paul, what’s it to you nosey rosey? I return to you in your hour of need to once again tell you that the future is bright, but only in the way that many have said they see a light during a near death experience. While you have been adapting to the new normal, my incredible mind has traversed through time and experienced so many new normals that what you’re now experiencing is known as the ‘shit old old old old new normal teaser preview trailer’, and 2020 is referred to many future scholars, historians and people who wear glasses and look clever, as ‘urgh don’t even talk about it, let’s just pretend it didn’t happen.’ But while some may call me a soothsayer, I unfortunately have few soothing words for you as you all embark into 2021, or as many future scholars, historians and people who wear glasses and look clever refer to it as ‘Oh no, not again, I’m not sure why I bother.’ All I can do is once again prepare you podcast ingesters – oh no sorry, that technology doesn’t come in until 2026 and it is delicious, though I wouldn’t eat that new one with Harry and Meghan if I was you, as it tastes of we – I mean podcast listeners, by telling you what may come, or in the case of all 210 of Boris Johnson’s illicit lovers that he’ll fall into over the year, will not come, not even once. So, prick up your ears, because sadly that will be as enjoyable an experience as hearing just what 2021 will bring.

Coronavirus will continue to spread throughout the globe for the entire year, mutating at least three more times until it’s final incarnation as a 40-foot virus particle with a face and stupid hair. It will be invited on all of the panel and politics shows almost immediately where it will tell everyone there is nothing to fear from coronavirus while simultaneously eating the other guests. America votes for it as their President after Joe Biden has an unfortunate accident trying to blow a child’s balloon up, resulting in his body being turned entirely inside out. Kamala Harris is unable to become president because the country realises, she is both black and a woman, and decides they don’t want to ruin their reputation. In a surprise move, Coronavirus brings through a massive healthcare reform and bans guns, while responding to calls from the GOP that what it’s doing is ‘inhuman’ by saying ‘exactly I’m a virus.’ The world watches and it is only time before India replaces Narindra Modhi with measles, Turkey overthrow Erdogan and give the throne to an unknown strain of swine flu while Britain continue to vote in the Conservatives because of fears a virus may be less discriminatory which would ruin the class system.

England will remain in Tier 4 for the entirety of the year, with different small hamlets being classed as tier 1 on rotation to avoid the term ‘national lockdown’ and Dudley at one point becoming Tier 7 due to an admin error resulting in it being destroyed in a controlled explosion. Grant Shapps has to do the news rounds the next day explaining that actually they had liberated Dudley and very much helped to take it out of Tier 7 or any tier at all. The Nightingale Hospitals will be reopened as soon as mid-January but only for Conservative MPs to hide in when needed to answer questions. Boris Johnson will continue to insist that things will be back to normal with varying timescales, backing up each poorly estimated answer by saying that he had never specified the year. Government policy in June will announce that COVID can’t be that dangerous as actually austerity killed more people, and so they will make even more severe cuts to services in order to take out people in poverty first before the virus can get to them, saying it’s much like removing fuel from a fire. Which is something they also vote against doing in social housing, saying its necessary for part of their covid defeating plan and that they can’t do everything. Later that same day during the 4 millionth press conference, Matt Hancock will proudly announce that the government has now done everything. A new £500bn initiative is announced by the Health Secretary which involves drones flying the vaccine directly into people, but within the first week six people lose an eye, and one person has to have an entire drone removed from their anus so the project is rapidly scrapped. One unexpected development from the vaccine is that many over 80s who’ve received it find that as they can go outside and no one else can, they start monopolising the nightlife scene and having masses of unprotected sex. As COVID begins to subside, a huge resurgence of STDs covers Britain instead and everyone has to stay at home once again in-case they catch genital warts or gonorrhoea in the supermarket.

The impact of Brexit and freeports means pirates resurface on West coast, opting for the classic buccaneer style. This leads to mass illegal parrot smuggling for appearance purposes which subsequently means MPs no longer visit the Bristol or Bath areas after fears that they’ll have their false promises repeated back to them. Due to price rises, Greggs try to capitalise on the lack of French pastry and make their own croissants that they refer to as ‘Classic British Bread Turds’. Piers Morgan announces that they are better than vegan sausage rolls and the country overwhelmingly rises up to eat shit. Difficulties in travelling to the EU and the rate of the Euro against the pound also see a massive increase in staycations in the UK, with some unlikely holiday hotspots. Holidays in Magaluf instead become enticing teenagers to shag the Wookie Hole or the Big Pit, have foam parties in the pollution on the shores of the Thames or just run around a field and hit each other with sticks after drinking cider someone made in their car. With COVID killing off the hospitality sector and Brexit killing the financial sector, car manufacturing and fishing trade, many British people are forced to retrain in the only industry left in the UK, which is knowing someone in the government and getting paid to deliver PPE you can’t provide. Unfortunately, after much effort, many members of the public realise its preferable just to be jobless and hungry than make friends with Jacob Rees-Mogg who returns every call and is far too eager to hang out and bring Nanny along. Brexiteers feeling a sudden loss at having won their fight and now having absolutely nothing to have a tantrum about, start petitioning that true democracy will be when they are their own individual sovereign states and they can trade with who they like, resulting in many of them being fired into the sea as they shout ‘freedom’.

Boris Johnson will resign in Spring, saying that he has completed the job of Prime Minister and got it done, before removing the political position from British democracy as he resigns. The country is left without any head of state at all and as a result begins to heal and do much better. He embarks on a career of wafting into parties and telling the same story about how while self-isolating he attended parliament with no trousers on 15 times, and once while actually in parliament but the BBC edited some on.

After her yacht the Dinghy Killer gets shot down by pirates while she’s on a recreational weekend trying to find children to drown, Priti Patel finds herself in a life-boat trying to get back to the coast, but is detained by the coast guard and sent to an internment camp she set up where no one listens to her pleas and says that everyone tries the ‘but I’m the home secretary’ stuff.

Rishi Sunak announces a new COVID recovery scheme called Shitting For Britain, encouraging Brits to use the toilets in restaurants and pubs where you have to be a customer to gain access. He and his family demonstrate this by trying to shit their way down the M6, but due to venue closures end up soiling themselves on a roadside by Preston. The Daily Mail and The Sun both use the headline ‘Dishi Rishi is proud and Pootriotic.’

Dominic Raab isn’t heard from at all between April and October and is eventually found barely alive in his own cupboard, claiming that he went in to get crisps and then it suddenly went all dark so he just assumed it was now night-time and had been ever since so was trying to sleep until the morning but it was taking ages.

Michael Gove is finally captured by Van Helsing and as he is, the coronavirus immediately stops. No one can say for sure if there’s connection.

Angela Rayner has to temporarily take over leadership of the Labour Party after Keir Starmer is unable to leave a restaurant for 15 days as he can’t make a definite choice about anything on the menu. In the lead up to local elections, Labour reveal their new slogan of ‘Will be bigots for seats’ and lose 80% of their councils as the public say they sounded too woke for trying to provide them with what they want.

Zoom gets a like button and what it calls zeets, and everyone instantly stops using it.

You’re the only person who isn’t confirmed for a cameo in Spider-Man 3.

Murder Hornets get their own Netflix show.

Things stop being cake including sadly, in August, cake which instead turns out to be bean mulch. The Great British Bake Off continues to be popular despite reviews that it’s now a little samey.

Elon Musk announces his intentions to write ‘bros 4 life’ on the Sun.

Nigel Farage starts his 7008^th political party based entirely on bringing back Some Mothers Do ‘Ave Em.

And a new globe spanning conspiracy theory is started when QAnon tweets that clothes horses are the skeletons of real horses, but the elites have been hiding the existence of these creatures from you. This causes masses to protest by throwing their clean washing on the floor to save what they call the X-quine.

If you want to do well next year, let me suggest you invest in the following: Really small buttons, persimmons, the phrase ‘argy bargy’ and of course, fan drawings of 90s celebrities.

That’s all I can reveal for now as frankly, it’s nice to leave some surprises isn’t it? I aim to be like Disney and just announce a few potential things but leave the most disappointing aspects for you to discover all by yourself after spending money you didn’t have on it. I would suggest you keep wearing your masks and also some very thick socks to protect your feet from the robot weevils and something that covers your ears as it stops the death worms from Mars getting directly to your brain. But you won’t need any of that till September at the earliest, so no need to rush. Take good care of yourselves, and others, and the planet, and that odd lady at the end of your road because ultimately she’ll be the key to destroying the mutants she just doesn’t know it yet. I shall see you all at the end of 2021 which will be around early October. Mwah!

OUTRO

Er, thanks Newstradamus. I’m sure none of that will happen though last year he did predict that the new Labour leader would be a potato with a face drawn on it and that’s been pretty accurate. Anyway, I hope you do have a happy and safe new year, or at the very least, one that is a bit less shit than 2020 was. The podcast will return in a couple of weeks, but in the meantime please do give this show a nice 5 star review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, CastBox, Acast or any of those, donate to the ko-fi.com/parpolbro, Acast supporter button or join the patreon.com/parpolbro and mainly just spread the word so the podcast can get even more listeners in 2021. Sure it’ll never be a top charting show but that just means it’s still cool and underground, you know, like a nuclear bunker. Or something.

Have a Happy new Year!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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