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Transcript

Ep261

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast. The comedy politics podcast that actively pursues the idea of a smaller state, but by that I mean one made of Lego as at least that’d be constructive. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as the Prime Minister and what happens if you put a foam mattress in a tree netting machine Boris Johnson has been sent a questionnaire by the Met Police, I bet where it asks him to state ‘sex’ he’s just put ‘yes please.’

Have the Foreign Office warned UK nationals in Ukraine to leave the country now because of the imminent threat of war? Or is it that they’re trying to save them from the possibility of bumping into Foreign Secretary and several time winner of best impression of a bird that’s repeatedly fallen out of its nest Liz Truss. Yes, the concern about a Russian attack is very scary for everyone there but is it worse than having to spend hours having Truss demand you take her phone and keep taking pics of her until there’s one that looks exactly like Margaret Thatcher, which would be easy but then you realise the Foreign Secretary means while she was alive. You might question why, at the teetering edge of conflict, the British government would think the best person to quell the situation is one who likely responds to people saying ‘Ukraine’ with ‘er…don’t you mean Me-kraine?’ Truss has had 700 photos taken of her since becoming Foreign Secretary, all on taxpayers money. But I suppose it is in our best interests to have constant updates on what she looks like in order to avoid her. But maybe it was best for a government with several oligarch dark money connections to find a way to achieve the previously deemed unfeasible, and make the everyone feel sorry for the Russian government. Yes, they are the aggressors in this situation, and yet after hearing about their meeting with Truss that they called a complete failure I realise that I wouldn’t wish time with her idiocy on anyone.

The Russian Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, who looks like someone sundried Ron Perlman, said that Truss lacks knowledge about basic geography, and said their meeting was like a conversation between a mute and a deaf person. A statement that’s oddly comforting to hear as sometimes it’s nice knowing our government aren’t the most ableist one after all. One Russian tabloid said that there could have been a fist fight if Truss was a man, which shows that once again Russia’s sexism is one of many factors in the way of them being a progressive nation. And yet, the result? Lavrov said it was easier negotiating with Kiev than it was with Britain, and perhaps, just perhaps war has been averted by showing the Russians that if they exert unnecessary force, they may have to deal with Truss again, like arguing with a lamppost, and that’s in no one’s best interests. It could be that Liz Truss is actually our greatest Foreign Secretary by being so intolerable she makes others unite with their enemies in sheer annoyance at her and what we now need to do is persuade her there are photo opportunities in many of the world’s worst war zones and she’ll have them sorted within minutes of landing and having to ask people where she is and if they can only focus on her good side.

The UK have threatened to impose sanctions if Russia invade Ukraine and while, at the time of recording President Vladimir Putin, the world’s most dangerous new-born bird, denies this, he also wants to be assured Ukraine won’t join Nato. It is hard when someone you’ve grown up with decides to hang out with another military bloc isn’t it? Happens to all of us and the best thing to do is let them go their own way and I’m sure you’ll reconnect in middle age and realise it was for the best all along. Ukraine say they won’t drop their ambition to join Nato as it’s enshrined in their constitution, and I heard you get a little badge and they do excellent sandwiches. Can this be solved with discussions? Not according to many Western politicians who seem to have already decided war is on the cards and seem like they’d be disappointed if it wasn’t. Liz Truss is certain war could happen almost immediately, which I reckon she will keep saying on the hour ever hour till it does so that she can be right about something. British Defence Minister Ben Wallace, who has always been a curious choice for the job when he looks like his entire body admitted defeat some time ago, described the situation of having a ‘whiff of Munich in the air’. I had hoped he meant it smelled of breweries and that perhaps everyone was trying to achieve peace through an early Oktoberfest. But no, he’s a member of the British government and so can only ever mention Germany in reference to World War II and in this case, there is nothing more tactful than telling a country who fought the Nazis they are like the Nazis when trying to get them to calm down. Liz Truss had told Russia to dial down the Cold War rhetoric, and I wonder if that is because no one in government understands it and would much prefer if it was in-line with their only reference point of 1941-45 to make it all easier for them? It would of course be ideal for the UK if war broke out, because then Johnson could pretend to go full Churchill, which would mean he could keep letting people die for no reason but this time he’d be allowed to be drunk while doing it and no one would mind. US intelligence, a phrase that often feels contradictory, says a Russian invasion could happen at any moment, but the German Chancellor and stunt double for energy vampire Colin Robinson Olaf Scholz is meeting the Ukrainian and Russian presidents in the hope of deescalating tension. Sort of a shame he can’t bring Truss with him and just threaten to let her ask questions if they don’t sort it out. I reckon, we’d have guaranteed peace in several exasperated minutes. Johnson is going to hold a Cobra meeting on Tuesday to discuss the UK’s response to the situation in Ukraine, so I’m guessing he’s got somewhere he really wants to avoid being at the same time elsewhere.

It’s funny hearing the UK Armed Forces Minister and waling soft play pillar James Heappey talk about opportunities for compromise and diplomacy about Ukraine, as I wonder if he realises that would make it a more optimistic situation than internal UK politics which currently definitely have a whiff of Munich about them. Though to be fair, by that I do mean the smell of vast amounts of beer constantly emanating from Downing Street. Yet another picture of Boris Johnson next to a bottle of champagne at a Downing Street event during lockdown has appeared in what many of the press said was a bombshell photo, but they’re wrong as that’d mean it was surprising when really the headlines should’ve been ‘more of this shit’ or ‘yet again exactly what you’d expect from this bunch of arseholes’. Johnson is currently being investigated by the police for what’s now known as partygate, a name that was also used for No.10’s front door during 2020 and 2021. By investigated, what I mean is that the Prime Minister was sent a questionnaire by the Met, which I think Boris Johnson may struggle with unless they have an option for each one that just gives an answer to a completely different question, says to wait for the enquiry to be published or blames the last Labour government. Apparently, Johnson’s defence for the so called ABBA party – which refers to the music that was played rather than how by the time we heard about that one as well we all collectively said ‘here we go again’ – his defence is that he was working in another room, while the party was happening elsewhere in the flat. The issue with that is that it’s hard enough to believe he does work on a normal working day, let alone when there’s a party in the same building. If Johnson is found guilty of breaking lockdown rules, he could receive a fixed penalty notice, which is similar to what you or I might get for speeding, which there’s every chance he was also doing, of a sort. Sorry, snort. It will also mean that he’d be a prime minister in office that had broken the law, you know, but not in an illegal war way, just in a way where ten years ago he’d have been given an ASBO. Imagine being so shit at being prime minister you can’t even break the law in an impressive way.

In yet another motion towards the UK being a banana republic that’s constantly offset by our difficulties with exports meaning we’d have to opt for a homegrown vegetable like potato or turnip republic instead, Johnson is ultimately now in charge of who will be in charge of prosecuting him. So it’s not unreal to assume that he’ll just fill in every section of the questionnaire with ‘do you want the job or not?’ Yes, finally schoolboy who saw a ghost by the stairs Cressida Dick has resigned just days after saying she wouldn’t, but then I suppose she’s used to people having to change their stories to fit what works best. The decision came after London Mayor in your pocket Sadiq Khan said in an interview that Dick had only days or weeks to save her job and that to do so she would need a plan to convince him she could restore the trust of Londoners in the Met after the heaps and heaps of grim scandals about them. We can assume she didn’t have one of those and so legged it, which isn’t very Prime Ministerial of her at all. It is a risky of her to run from the job like that when that’s exactly the sort of behaviour she’d have ordered her officers to open fire at. The Met Police Federation have been very angry about this and made a statement that they have no faith Sadiq Khan, presumably because he hasn’t been accused of racism, misogyny, corruption or sexual harassment and therefore they just can’t identify with him or assume he has their best interests at heart.

There is now much beef between Sadiq Khan and the Home Secretary Priti Patel, a woman whose comfort telly is anything that says at the start ‘has scenes that may make viewers feel uncomfortable.’ Patel wanted to leave Dick in place, tee hee, to reform the Met herself because there is nothing more Conservative than making an absolute state of things then asking people to trust you to fix it. So, the Home Secretary felt blindsided by Khan giving Dick a push, tee hee hee, but insists she still wants to work with him to find a replacement which means she’ll reduce the candidate list down to just the one that’ll let Johnson off everything and will no doubt have some sort of concerning history as head of a board of bring back executions or has said in interviews their favourite film is Birth of a Nation. Then Patel will ask if Khan approves of them or not and if he says no, she’ll accuse him of being obstructive. I joke, sort of, but documents leaked to the Times show that the Conservatives have been helping party donors apply for public roles, in yet another story where the headlines should’ve just been ‘you’ll never guess what – please read in sarcastic voice’. Set up under former Prime Minister and pink punctured bike tyre David Cameron, an email of public appointment vacancies has been regularly sent out to lists of donors, because I suppose that way it’ll make the government look less outstandingly bad if every single public body is being brought down by incompetent rich dickheads.

But one Tory billionaire donor, Richard Armitage, who is proof that money can’t stop you looking like you’re mid-point of turning into a were-badger, has publicly stated that Boris Johnson is past the point of no return. Ooh someone didn’t get a job, did they? Armitage said he finds the lack of honour in modern politics incredibly distressing. So says someone who’s given more than £3m to the Tories but has now started donating to Labour instead in the hope that maybe they’ll get him a lovely job in the register of parks and gardens. I mean that’s clearly what he’s interested in as he’s earned his millions in hedge funds. Its not just former donors that are still unhappy with the Prime Minister. Former PM and the blank space you find underneath the dictionary definition of boring John Major has also said Johnson and his staff broke the law and condemned his big lies, but of course Johnson said that Major’s comments were lies and it’s only time before he says his dad is bigger than Major’s and it’ll all kick off.

Johnson has never given a shit if people say he lies, because he does, and I suppose it’s always nice to be acknowledged for your strengths. In the same way more pictures of parties that we know happened and he was at aren’t likely going to do more until we see one of them using the empty Nightingale hospitals to stage a rave, while filling spare ventilators with nitrous oxide for the big hits. And while I wish a fixed penalty notice would be the moment the Prime Minister is forced out of office, I can only imagine he’ll ask some donor to stump up the charges and swap it for a directorship of the hydrographics office so all wave charts will now be in the shape of brand names. Yes, that is a real office and yes they are advertising for the position right now, so fling a few quid at the Tory Party and you could have a lovely time looking at current affairs. Which just means, like always, the Prime Minister is just doing what he wants and that’s still a very uninspiring reshuffle of the cabinet office. The latest changes involve swapping Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like an accident between charcoal toothpaste and a taxidermized rat, from being leader of the commons to a new post of Brexit opportunities minister. A perfect job for a man who likes lying around doing nothing. Rees-Mogg previously said that there’d be no visible Brexit benefits for 50 years, so I suppose this role is perfect for him as he’s clearly already been around for 200 or so, so what’s another half a decade for a man whose definitely somewhere in that black and white photo at the Overlook hotel. Brexit Opportunities of course might not mean benefits, and could be more about spending his time scouring all the small laws he can get rid of until he’s finally allowed to feast on orphans without it being a breach of international law. The new leader of the commons is Mark Spencer, a direct descendent of Majorie the Trash Heap and who shouldn’t be anywhere near a promotion because he’s currently under investigation over racism claims. Oh wait, maybe that’s why he’s been promoted, and I guess he had to have leader as there’s already a home secretary. Meanwhile the absolute nothing of a man Steve Barclay, the new No.10 Chief of Staff but also still an MP, has said the government will take a step back from people’s lives and pursue a smaller state. Nothing like an island mentality within an island mentality. If they could somehow make the state so small it just revolves around No.10 and everything outside of it is a completely different country and isn’t affected by them, I’d be all in. Especially if we can then go to war with them.

While all this is going on, Labour are doing what Labour do best and providing a strong opposition to the real danger this country faces. Nope, not the cost-of-living crisis. No, sorry, wrong again it’s not the huge backlog of NHS cases or court cases. No, no, it’s not the rising pollution levels, pesticides that kill bees, collapse of our farming industry…look how are you missing the real one? It’s former Labour leader and inspiration for Uncle Travelling Matt Jeremy Corbyn, who having been suspended from the parliamentary Labour party and not being the leader for quite some time now or really having any say over policies or anything they do, is the real threat the Labour party must destroy. It does make sense when you put it like that doesn’t it? Labour leader and the embodiment of the feeling you get when you realised you’ve put a piece of flat packed furniture in the wrong way and have to start again Keir Starmer, has blamed Corbyn for being wrong about Nato, and being supportive of Russia. Which as you well know, the former leader did during the Salisbury attacks when he said, and I’ll just quote here ‘the Russian authorities must be held to account on the basis of evidence. Labour is no supporter of the Putin regime.’ Urgh, can’t believe he stanned Putin like that, I mean why didn’t he just marry him? What dickhead wants evidence before making decisions? Not former director of public prosecutions Keir Starmer, he’s not like that. No wonder he doesn’t want to be associated with that view of Russia or how else will he get the sort of sweet oligarch donor laundered money the Tories get, so he can stop the party going bankrupt? It looks like the party are going to deselect Corbyn as an MP and run another candidate in the next election for North Islington, which goes against the wishes of the local party group and will mean Jeremy Corbyn is likely to run as an independent which is risky. Because then they’ll somehow have to blame an independent MP that has nothing to do with them anymore for them still being shit at everything over two years later. Still, I suppose nothing says they’re a British government in waiting like always having scapegoats that aren’t yourself. Come on Starmer, move on mate, its super boring. Do your own thing. I bet Starmer is the sort of person who would start a first date by constantly trying to prove he’s not like their last boyfriend before even asking what they’re interested in. Meanwhile within the party, Labour MP for Bermondsy and Old Southwark and Pugglesy Addams Neil Coyle has been suspended from the party for making racist comments about a British Chinese reporter in the House of Commons bar. Silly Neil, if only he’d done that at party HQ they’d have stuck in a report that’ll never come out and he could’ve been promoted by now.

In other news, the last remaining Covid rules in England could be removed in weeks in an attempt by the Prime Minister to make everyone too ill to notice he’s still not left. The rules for self-isolation if you have a positive test are meant to stay in place till March 24^th, but Johnson says if the trends remain positive, which is probably the wrong word for it, then it could go a month earlier than that. This decision doesn’t seem to be following any science, but neither have any of them the last few years and its become more and more clear the only thing Johnson was following was a drunken conga line or ABBA dance routine. Hospitalisations are dropping but infection rates are still high and rising again and there’s a new sub variant of Omicron called BA.2 sounding like a sequel to Mr T that is apparently even more transmissible. I wonder if Johnson is thinking either it’ll go ok and everyone will be pleased it’s over, but worse-case scenario is that it all kicks off again and there’s a lockdown meaning he won’t be able to leave No.10 because it won’t be allowed. Plus he’d miss the parties.

Education Minister Nadhim Zawahi, whose face upside down is still a face, go on try it. See? He is introducing guidance this week to, as he says root out activist teachers and ensure only balanced views are presented in classrooms. So I guess that’ll mean teachers will have to read stories like The Twits and have to provide a counter argument that actually being an unpleasant slob with disgusting views and terrible jokes could be a good thing and help you end up as Prime Minister. Zawahi said that children can form their own independent opinions which is true as when my daughter was two, she saw Boris Johnson on TV during a Covid press conference and of her own accord said ‘urgh, horrid Boris’. Children generally have an understanding of right or wrong and fairness so there’s every chance that by letting them embrace that even more they’ll grow up to be super angry that Zawahi had horses warmer than them during winter and their parents had to pay for it.

ADMIN

Hey hey ParPolBrods. I’m just here wondering if I should run for the next Met Police Commissioner. I’m not remotely qualified but I reckon the hat would suit me and I’d insist every officer had to greet people by saying ‘allo, allo, allo’ then go from there. I’d also scrap stop and search but I’d bring in search and stop which is where you can only stop someone after you’ve searched them which would make it really hard unless they were trained pickpockets. Which I suppose would then mean they’d have to arrest themselves, but hey it’s still better than the current shit those police get up to and they could sing songs from Oliver Twist so I’m certain its better. I’d also get rid of the car sirens and they’d have to instead make the noise themselves out of the window as that’d be way more fun. Yeah I’m not sure they’ll let me do the job to be honest but I suppose if you’re not in it, you can’t win it.

Ooof I’ve had a weird old weekend, with the sad loss of a friend, Paul Byrne, on Friday that was a bit of a shock and knocked me for 6. It was someone who was pretty key in my comedy being what it is, even if, as he said to me loads of times, he couldn’t give the slightest shit about politics. He was very pivotal to a lot of comedian’s careers and shows and was also one of the funniest people I’ve known, so I’m hoping there’ll be a big old send off for him when there can be. Urgh middle age is shit for that isn’t it? Just suddenly people you care about selfishly dying on you. That sort of nonsense didn’t happen in my 30s. But yeah, a lot of the weekend was spent feeling shaken by that, then also laughing at some lovely memories and then churning out a blog from my brain about it which was nicely cathartic. It’s odd how it can do that. Then I saw the Super Bowl Halftime show today with Snoop, Dre and co and it’s cheered me up so much that I may have to watch it on loop for the rest of the week. Also on a happier note, I was on Radio 4’s the Today Programme at the very early hour of 6.50am this morning. The producer got me to do a sound test like they always do and asked me what I’d had for breakfast and I coughed out a ‘nothing, not even a coffee, it’s so early’ which they were not sympathetic enough about. I was talking about my T1 diabetes and a specific drug called Dapigliflozen which is firstly, really hard to say at 6.50am in the morning and also is being taken off the market for T1s because it affects an incredibly tiny amount of diabetics who take it and AstraZeneca who make it, don’t want it to get a black triangle on the packet as it might lose them money if GPs don’t prescribe it to people with other conditions. Which is annoying as it’s made a huge difference to my control and anyway, I chatted to Justin Webb for a very brief few minutes about it. So not politics or even comedy and I didn’t get a chance to criticise the fact they often platform truly shit views and don’t question Conservative MPs properly, but I was on there for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund so I didn’t want to ruin it for them as they’re ace. I’ll do it next time, promise. I always get annoyed with radio interviews as the day before the producer rings you up and asks loads of questions, and you chat for ages. Then on the day I get all ready with my 30 mins of answers and because of time, they ask you three things and then you’re off air. I had tons more T1 chat to give. Bastards. Hopefully though it’ll help the campaign to make AstraZeneca reverse their decision. Just cos they’re all cocky now with their vaccines.

I also took the kid to her first protest on Saturday, the people’s assembly one against the rise in the cost of living. It was…ok I guess. Not very busy sadly and I think there were so many groups raising awareness about different, all very valid issues and I think that’s a kind of missed opportunity as this rise of costs, as a single issue, is going to affect so many people that if they just focussed on that I think you could draw a lot more in. Anyway, my daughter found it fun for about 30 minutes and then we had to find a playground. Hopefully next time there’ll be more drumming and she’ll be well into it. I’m sure it’s the first of many. Well, till its illegal in a few months. A woman came up and spoke to us and insisted protests do nothing and we need a general strike which I agree with but I’ve been thinking about more inventive ways to do that, that might be more fun. I wondered if we could do a national hide. Like we all just hide, for a week. Everyone. In a cupboard or even just close your curtains. Everything would collapse and they wouldn’t know who to blame it on as there’d be no one around. Then whoever stays hidden the longest could be prime minister. Though worryingly Johnson is actually very good at doing that so he could still win. Hmm. I’ll rethink it.

Cheers loads this week to Daniel, Freya and James for the ko-fi donations which have, actually definitely, gone towards coffee this week. This isn’t a paid ad, but just because I like them. I buy coffee from the Cardiff coffee place Hard Lines who are proper ace and seem like nice ethical types so would recommend. Plus they have a mug mascot who’s got a great face and to be honest, that’s all I need sometimes. If you too want to aid my coffee needs, then do buy me a coffee at ko-fi.com/parpolbro or join the patreon.com/parpolbro. And of course this podcast is still vaguely sponsored by British Boxers so if you do get things from that ace lot and use the PARPOLBRO15 code, you get money off and I get some dosh too. But you also get nice pants so you double win. And you’ll want to be in nice pants when hiding for a week. And yes, I will do a new advert for it soon. Sorry everyone.

On this week’s show I am chatting with James Plunkett, author of End State: 9 ways society is broken and how we fix it. Yes, it’s about fixing things and has actually been cheering me up. No, not as much as the halftime show but as much as I will forever love Snoop and Dre, they don’t have valid ideas of overhauling the welfare system and Dre isn’t even a proper doctor so you have to be realistic sometimes.

INTERVIEW WITH JAMES

One of the big problems I’ve always had with people who say ‘oh the good old days, let’s get things like how they were before’ is that things before included terrible sanitation, no TV, Vikings and dragons. Yeah, maybe I don’t read enough history but I have seen it on the telly so it must be true, and I wouldn’t have done if I’d lived in the good old days, so I think that speaks for itself. Thing is, we still have a lot of systems in place that we had in the good old days, if you’re looking at the ones that were someway after the Vikings and dragons. Lots of our welfare system was created more than 70 years ago, even though people are living longer, more support issues are recognised and apparently you can now pay nurses just with clapping. Our working hours were devised for a time when you couldn’t do work from home as that’d require a huge textile machine in your living room, and your boss couldn’t email you at 10pm asking where that opinion piece is on how maybe the Titanic wouldn’t have sunk if they’d all just been more positive about it. And many of our rules and regulations for everything from tax to trade was all designed before people creepy morph suit Jeff Bezos realised you could fire people for needing the toilet and discovered people do want menial household items in cardboard boxes 12 times too big for them thrown at their door with force that only anger can create, the very same day they bought it. But as is always the problem, how do you bring in these changes when you have a system of government that was, in its current state, created in 1832, takes place in a building from 1016 and is currently dominated by people who look to the 1922 group for all its big decisions. I don’t think anyone would argue that we’re in need of new ideas, or at least radically different ones to keep up with this world where you can now spend your entire day telling people on the internet how much you hate them and that’s a valid job that you get paid for doing. Yeah really, it’s called being the Culture Minister. Bonkers. The question is always, how do we do this without leaving people behind, what ideas would actually work when so many are instantly rubbished as soon as they’re mentioned and more importantly, will I have to retrain in cyber because I used to watch Doctor Who and I don’t think I’d find one of those helmets very comfortable.

This week I spoke to James Plunkett. James has worked in public policy for over a decade, in everywhere from No.10 itself to think tanks and he’s currently the executive director of advice and advocacy at Citizens Advice. He’s been researching the effects of technology on society and just how we govern the future for quite some time now, and his recent book End State: 9 Ways Society Is Broken and How We Fix It, is a manifesto of how we could reform society and politics so you know, it actually works for our current day and age, rather than the weird non-specific past time many politicians and newspapers like to refer to. End State is the first book on politics that I’ve read in ages that has actually made me optimistic about us surviving the current state of things and a really handy reminder that so much of the crap that is said and done that keeps us embedded in the current system is cyclical. Which is great, then you realise that means even when we get a new one, we’ll end up at a point where that’s too old and nothing happens and its rubbish again which is bad. But then we’d come out of that one and its good again. Humans are ridiculous. Anyway, I was so pleased James had time to chat, so I hope you enjoy. Here is James:

AFTER INTERVIEW WITH JAMES

How great was that? Wasn’t it so nice to have an almost actually positive chat? Almost, kind of. Do go read James’s book. It’s called End State, 9 ways society is broken and how to fix it, and rather unfortunately considering how often Amazon is mentioned as a not force for good in it, it is the best site to buy it for price and data so says James. So I’ll pop that link in the pod blurb and maybe throw a few quid at an indie book shop after you do it just to help. James can be found on Twitter @jamestplunkett and his substack is at endstate.substack.com and his current series on how we govern the future is a really fascinating read too.

Who next, what next? I’m trying to get someone on the show to talk candidly about Ukraine, but much like when I tried to get someone last year about Afghanistan, everyone that’d be good to chat to is very busy with actual awful shit right now, so they don’t have time to chat. Lemme know your thoughts on who and what you’d like to hear and I shall furiously email them with requests to let me question them unprofessionally for this show. Do that by dropping me a line at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com

END

And that is it for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Appreciation nation for spending your limited ear time on this show, yes I am incredibly popular with the youth because of my ever cool chat, why do you ask? If you like, nay, tolerate this show then why not mention it in passing to other folks that they too, might need new ways to use up time and this could be it? Spread the word, donate to the patreon or ko-fi if you have spare pennies after paying for your heating bills and why not give the show a review on one of the endless podcast platforms?

Appreciation stations to Acast, my brother the Last Skeptik and Kat Day.

This will be back next week when the British government decides to post Liz Truss on the border between Ukraine and Russia, with a series of outfits and three different photographers. The UK is hailed as a global peacekeeper, until Boris Johnson visits to claim victory and does a racist Eastern European accent which immediately starts World War 3.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was brought to you by the Liz Truss photo filter, add to absolutely any pic you take, and it’ll make you look like you’re absolutely confused as to why you’re there but in a series of fancy outfits. Anywhere, anytime, anyhow, the Liz Truss filter will give everyone the impression you just got on a private flight and assumed someone else would work out where it’s going.

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