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Ep275 – OPERATION PUT BIG DOG DOWN

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that survives a vote of confidence every episode despite public opinion. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Prime Minister and can of sealant that’s exploded over a toilet Boris Johnson wins a confidence vote amongst his own party, once again we see a bunch of Tory MPs are totally hypocrites as they’re happy to vote remain when it suits.

But 148 voted that they had no confidence in Johnson, meaning that he is officially more hated by his own party than former PM Theresa ‘I’m made out of several Jenga blocks glued together with spite’ May when her party had a vote of no confidence against her, and even if you had painted her nose yellow she’d have 100% looked like her head was a Turkey Margaret Thatcher in her leadership battle in 1990. It says a ton that a party currently full of MPs accused of sexual harassment, that they respect Johnson even less than they do women. You might think it’s a disappointing result as in these constantly gloomy times, even knowing Johnson would be replaced by someone probably worse like say, Liz Truss who’d get defeated by a revolving door, or the ghost of Oswald Mosely or the film Morbius. Even knowing that, it would have been worth it to watch his sulking face like a sad, melting baby. But all is not lost as now he’s clinging on, sapping the life from the Tories and if the Conservatives are now entering a Civil War, according to Marvel films, they’re only a few steps from the Endgame where the biggest, loudest one gets wiped out.

How spoiled have we been as the British public this week? First four whole days of the kind of leader worship that must’ve made North Korea feel very second place, as everyone was patriotic enough to enable the further collapse of the economy by shortening the week to eat sandwiches in the rain, watch a CGI bear in Buckingham Palace in his last moments before being turned into a hat for one of the lesser known sponging relatives, or wave at a hologram which didn’t even sing the greatest hits of ABBA. Then just as everyone feels the monumental come down of the returning to normality, the Conservative Party step up with the vague possibility of hope by a snap vote of confidence in the Prime Minister. On a Monday too, as if knowing the one thing that might get you through the day is the possibility that the worst of the Hutt family might finally be ousted from No.10 and by his own MPs in the sort of Shakespearian manner he’d know from his book if he ever bothered to write it. And you know, did it with actual references not just things he’d made up based on a time he wore a ruff at a themed party during lockdown.

It beggars belief that at least 54 Conservative MPs would write to Victorian dental care model Graham Brady at the 1922 Committee saying they no longer had confidence in Johnson, when as his defenders pointed out, he’s got so many of the big calls right. Like that one to his friend to get a journalist attacked. Oh no sorry, that was years ago. You know, the big calls, like er…to that booze delivery service every time the parties were running low? He’s very good at knowing just when the prosecco glasses are dry. If that isn’t what they mean it’s hard to work out exactly what the big calls where when he couldn’t even use his new phone back in Feb and so was unable WhatsApp messages to his Ethics Adviser about the No.10 flat refurb payment. Big political calls I guess? Which as we know, were full of tough decisions that only Boris Johnson could make. Like should I turn up to COBRA meetings about this oncoming very serious pandemic or skive off to have a nap and a wank on the new gold leaf wallpaper, so I feel prepped for tonight’s party? You don’t just let over 180,000 people die unnecessarily unless you’re really certain the other option of being a big lying pisshead is the right way forward for the country. Sorry, backward. I meant backward. You have to remember all the stuff he’s done but also don’t remember the stuff you didn’t like or the Sue Gray report and look we all have to move on and get on with it. ‘We have to do what the public want’. Well according to every poll under the sun, over 60% want that mophead tumour to fuck off so get on with it.

The other concern was that there shouldn’t be a leadership contest now as hey, don’t you know there’s a war on? A war that it was totally fine to ignore for the last 4 days while we all worshipped a stamp model in a serious of expensive events that even the Queen couldn’t be arsed to attend. I’m sure the war in Ukraine – that as we all know Boris Johnson has been on the frontline for, distracting Russian forces by telling them which party he met them at – I’m sure it just paused for four days because even they, from the rubble of their former homes, had to marvel at the Queen’s 70 year dedication to wearing big hats and spending £12m of public money rescuing a paedophile. Prince Andrew didn’t attend the jubilee celebrations as he supposedly caught Covid-19 which is a surprise as we’d have thought it was definitely a few numbers too old for him. Still, it’s nice for parasitic entities that prey on the vulnerable to hang out together and swap tips. But now that’s all done, the war has started again and the only person to stop it despite barely being involved with it, is Boris Johnson. Possibly by being so shit at diplomacy its only time before he irritates both sides enough, they call a ceasefire in order to work together to attack Britain instead.

That’s what’s important you see and as Justice Secretary Dominic Raab, who has someone at all times pulling the skin at the back of his head as tightly as possible, as he said the public are exhausted by Partygate and they only ever hear the dissenting voices. True. How biased have the media been not giving an interview to anyone who said ‘actually I had a blast at the party and doing lines off a red briefcase while people were coughing to death was the sort of uplift I needed for my confidence.’ Or ‘actually if it wasn’t for those parties I wouldn’t have met my future wife’. Oh wait, that was just a quote from the Prime Minister. Clearly the public are done with hearing about all the times the Prime Minister evaded the very laws he implemented and that’s why during an interview with Mumsnet the first question was someone asking why we should believe anything he says when its proven he’s a habitual liar? Johnson replied to that by saying he delivers what he sets out to deliver. Which seems to be babies mostly. Even then, much like how the vaccine rollout was the NHS not the government, or when he said he got pensioners the free bus pass in London which he didn’t, Johnson also certainly didn’t deliver any of his four million kids but probably takes the credit for it anyway and no doubt uses it as an excuse to not do any actual childcare. The Prime Minister told the mumsnet founder Justine Roberts that reads his children bedtime stories, but when asked what his faves were he didn’t know. Then again what he means by stories is probably just any of the bullshit he’s said that day and his kids find it so tedious and his stupid fucking voice so annoying they probably pretend to be asleep so that he’ll go away.

It wasn’t just those lefty, plotting, er parents on the internet who showed they’d had enough of Johnson last week. It was also those radical communist big fans of the Queen who booed Johnson and his wife Carrie, dressed like an accident at a pizza parlour, as they arrived at the jubilee service. To everyone there, everyone watching the livestream or anyone with a strong sense of reality, the booing at Johnson as he collapsed out of his car was clear. Sorry, I say booing, it was of course a mixed response. Some people jeered and I’ve no doubt a handful did really good swears too. And hey, maybe they were just being kind as they know from the Sue Gray report that Boris Johnson is a big fan of Friday booze. These are people though that should be Johnson’s crowd, the kind who’ll willingly dress as a union flag and weirdly that’ll be the only time they’re not unnecessarily cross. If Johnson lost the people who will turn up in the rain to a Jubilee event even the Queen didn’t go to meaning all they got were the shit tribute acts, then surely he’s lost the country?

But when is a boo not a boo? Answer, when it’s heard through the ears of Conservative politicians, whose special brain configuration takes the sound of people in despair and outrage and converts it into the pleasing noises of affirmation. Which if that was true, would explain an awful lot. Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries, like someone dropped a raw chicken fillet into some make up, insisted there were far more cheers. Maybe its like how lizards can only hear sounds at certain frequencies and so for Dorries, while everyone else in the entire world heard cheering, maybe she only heard parts of the sounds and it sounded good to her? Or maybe it was like how she thought 96% of people wanted C4 privatisation when 96% actually didn’t. Perhaps for her, as an actual denizen of the Upside Down, everything is topsy turvy and she was probably over the moon when she heard 54 MPs had written to the 1922 committee as it no doubt meant they were big fans of her work boyfriend. Dorries insisted she was backing the Prime Minister 100% which in her world, could well be a complete curveball and mean she’s surprisingly entirely against him. Very hard to tell. Johnson can’t go said Dorries, as the party donors have spoken, and they want him to stay probably because no one else hands out contracts to them like Oprah does cars. It’s always nice when the party in charge proves that they help billionaires not only have an unfair amount of the country’s wealth but also its democratic rights.

The Prime Minister’s Anti-Corruption Champion and face drawn on a pencil eraser John Penrose resigned over Partygate, saying the Prime Minister has to go and he’s someone who only got the advisory role due to his experience of being married to startled gerbil Dido Harding and therefore has experience of seeing corruption up front and close and no doubt in his joint bank account. Former Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, with his constant expression like he’s just been taken over by an alien entity who doesn’t understand how faces work, also said he would be voting against Johnson as he’s voting for change. Though I assume that’s in the context of all the change he’ll be sent by his private healthcare investments if he gets to be PM instead. MP for Hereford and Rory Kinnear character Jesse Norman, said he’d have to vote against the PM, even after supporting him for 15 years. What took you so fucking long Jesse? He’s been a lying bellend for all of those and more. ‘Oh I’ve been a big fan of Dracula for 200 years but now the villagers are burning torches outside my castle I’ve decided he’s not great’.

How did the Prime Minister try to win round Conservative MPs before the vote? With a speech that said he’d lead them to victory again like it was a film and in the next scene he’d be shot of his horse by a crossbow before he’d even yelled charge. Sorry, I say horse, it’d be a sad Icelandic pony with a big hat on that he’d been telling everyone was a champion steed but was all he could get imported after Brexit. Johnson said he was glad the vote was taking place as it’d end the media driven focus on the leadership of the Tory party, something that might also happen if he fucked off and stopped doing shitty press stunts in a JCB or on a giant flag or getting booed. He pledged to cut more red tape because that’s worked great so far and I can only presume it won over those Tories who love the idea of the UK public having no food at all. Oh wait, that’s all of them. When asked about the Sue Gray report, Johnson said that he’d do it all again. Because you know, Johnson was humbled by that report like he said. Apparently, many MPs cheered, but its hard to know if that’s true or they actually booed. MP for Wycombe and laser-quest under 11s runner up 2018-19 Steve Baker left the meeting where Boris Johnson addressed his MPs and insisted the Prime Minister has to go, but then again Baker bloody loves anything with a leave option.

Then the vote, which as you know, Johnson won but in the way that a knight might win a sword fight but has to hop over to claim victory on their remaining leg knowing it’s not long before they bleed out and die. And Johnson isn’t a knight, not least because as soon as he’d put a helmet on he’d probably fall asleep. The Conservative Party has decided to keep a man that gets booed as their leader and I can only imagine, and in fact look forward to, the boos getting louder and happening everywhere he goes for months, possibly years until a general election. Maybe someone could print out a tour schedule and we could make sure he’s booed in a variety of locations, hi-vis jackets and construction hats? Education Minister and smarmy toe Nadhim Zawahi insisted the Prime Minister had won the vote handsomely, but I suppose your views of what handsome is, will be scarred if you’ve spent a life looking at backbenchers who appear to be constantly collapsing from the inside. 41% of his party against is a whopper, much like the ones Johnson tells and I’d love to think that maybe they will block votes in the Commons until he’s forced to leave or call an election. Saying that, it is also highly likely all those MPs will mysteriously disappear and be replaced by Johnson’s many children who’ve been waiting for this opportunity, before he makes votes of no confidence illegal and then booing illegal, and its only when pantos and ghost walks go bust everywhere that the people rise up. This is all more time for the Conservatives to lose support, Boris Johnson to do something even worse and then eventually, the Conservatives to implode. It might be saving Big Dog for now, but the whole family knows the next vets bill might not be worth it as they’d prefer a holiday and they’re tired of Big Dog shitting himself all over the sofas. It’ll be interesting, unless you know, you can’t afford your heating or food and your wages are cut and your home is flooded and you’re being separated from your family and deported to Rwanda. Still though this politics is all a fun game right? Right?

In other news, Brexit, covid and airline companies being greedy arseholes have all meant thousands of Brits had their flights cancelled last week and those who managed to go on holiday were left stranded in another country like it was a Home Office taster course. Transport Secretary Grant Shapps, who with every appearance looks like his life force is sucked away per lie he has to tell, said the government were doing what they can but also won’t be doing any of the things that might help. Immigration won’t be relaxed to allow more workers from the EU, and nor, as Ryanair’s chief exec asked will the army be getting involved which is a good thing as I worry they’d get jobs as counter staff and instead of helping you with your flight, just try to decode everything you say in-case it contains intelligence. Maybe the Prime Minister is aligned with the British public as absolutely no one on this island seems to be going anywhere.

ADMIN

Hey! I’m not sure how any of that sounded. It is a good deal later than I usually record and as you can probably guess, a lot of that was written very last minute! So hope it at least made you chuckle a few times. I’m pretty pleased with that result. Not as pleased as if they’d read out the vote and at the same time a portal opened and a monster ate Johnson’s head. But knowing that even a lot of Conservatives hate the Prime Minister is a good feeling and I will take that. Plus as I said, whoever would have replaced him would also be awful and they’d do that whole ‘we’re a new party know’ then idiots would vote for them. Whereas this way, they’ve hit the self-destruct. Now all we have to do is somehow survive as Johnson probably goes full Homelander. Sorry, reference from the Boys because it is back on telly and is one of my fave shows.

So yeah, big thank yous this week to Pablo for joining the Patreon and Matt for upping his monthly donation, and to Christine for the ko-fi donation. And if you fancy supporting all the caffeine I’ve consumed well pretty much just today to churn this show out as late in the evening as I have, then please join the patreon.com/parpolbro for even £1 a month or chuck me an occasional donation at ko-fi.com/parpolbro. If you can’t afford to do that, because hey, who can right now? I can’t even support this show and I have to do it! If you can’t then please give it a nice review on one of them podcast places, or really just tell nice people to give it a listen too.

That’s it for now because god knows how the next week will go. There will be an ep next week, then a week off the following one which I’ll remind you of again next week. So you can be sure serious political shit is going to happen on that one. I’m not saying I’m self centred but pretty sure they plan all of this stuff just to ruin this show.

So, all that’s left to say this week is:

END

That’s ya lot for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Should this perk up your day like a shot of energy drink directly into your ears – but you know, with less feelings of dizziness, nausea and the concern your mouth will never feel clean again – then why not tell others to give it a spin? You could also support this happening by joining the Patreon or ko-fi accounts and donating monthly, or you could even just hit the 5 stars and scribble some words of praise on Apple Podcasts or one of them podcast sites that also has reviews. Or if you have hacking skills, any website. Why not just scrawl a nice review across the front of the Financial Times or gov.uk sites?

Whoop yeah to Acast, my bro The Last Skeptik and Kat Day.

This will be back next week when Nadine Dorries tries to privatise the 148 Tories that voted no confidence in Johnson, only to find it’s hard to do when they’ve already been bought out by companies long before.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by the very big bowl of noodles I’ve had to keep me awake enough to do this. No, I know it’s a not a funny one but they deserve some acknowledgment.

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