Further Reading

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that wants to throw its hat into the ring too. Not for the Tory Leadership contest but the hat wrestling championships! Far fewer bastards there. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as the somehow still Prime Minister and cross between a jelly baby and an uncleaned rabbit hutch Boris Johnson resigns but also doesn’t, I am surprised as I thought he’d say it wasn’t working out and insist on an Irish goodbye.

As they say, a week is a long time in politics. Something that I take to mean politicians definitely are from another plane of reality and it explains why so many of them still think it’s the Victorian era. This time last week Boris Johnson, like if someone breadcrumbed a tardigrade, was Prime Minister. Yet just a week later, everything has changed and…well, he’s still prime minister. Sure, that might seem thoroughly unremarkable if you’d spent all of last week with your head in the sand. Which if you have, I wouldn’t like to know how irritated your eyes must be and how sunburned your arse is, sounds like a very uncomfortable week but I won’t question your choices. While you beach chomped, Johnson was indeed dethroned, and now he’s just sitting there like a lump, keeping it warm and potentially slightly damp, for the next new worst person for the job. We are currently in the worst of time where some how we haven’t yet got rid of the spaffer horror film that is the Prime Minister, but in the distance we can see currently 11 candidates that bring equal, if not more concern. Boris Johnson is indeed one of the worst human beings to ever exist, and yet its only know we realise he was the wet wipe island encasing all the horrific shit that forms the Conservative Party, and now as he falls apart, the far-right fascist flotsam of human effluviant is spilling out on its own and someone, unimaginably seems worse. It is a trait, nay a skill, of the Tories that might loathe the party leader, and yet when they leave, they’ll somehow manage to find someone worse. After Johnson I was expecting maybe Skeletor, Vecna, the ghost of Enoch Powell or every band member of Nickleback working as one. But no, it’s worse than that. It could be Suella Braverman, who is like if Hitler possessed a Muppet. Out of the no emotions eleven, she is equal worst with, well, all of them. In fact picking a new favourite Conservative leadership candidate is not unlike trying to look at the pros and cons of the four horsemen of the apocalypse to see who might be best suited to babysit your kids.

Johnson’s downfall – if you can call it that when he hasn’t yet fallen anywhere and has instead stayed exactly where he is, fermenting until he can be removed – it started, well probably at birth. But I mean, the current very, very, slow long overdue downfall began after it had emerged that the Prime Minister had indeed known about the allegations against Chris Pincher, the man who makes Mr Tickle look like a Mormon, and then gave him a job anyway. Because let’s face it, in the current Conservative Party someone who grabs what they can and expects no consequences is the ideal candidate to whip the rest of the party who have exactly the same ethos. But for some reason, this was the straw that the camel pretended broke its back because fixers had paid it to drop at that point with the promise of opportunity. It wasn’t the corruption, it wasn’t the letting 180,000 people die, it wasn’t the lying to the Queen, the breaking of national law, the threatening to break international law. No, it was the sexual harassment allegations that they’d all heard about years ago but just decided to have principles about now, while ignoring the other 55 MPs also accused of similar things. Who can say, apart from maybe donors, newspaper moguls and everyone else that owns the Conservative Party, just why the wind changed now? Had the monumental pile of evidence against Johnson now finally reached a height that it was obscuring the view of power for others? And you know, had probably started to whiff.

First Rishi Sunak, like if you designed an AI with the personality based on the stock exchange and placed it in the body of a small alpaca, he resigned from his position of Chancellor on the Tuesday. At the same time Sajid Javid aka Stewie from Family Guy has tried a free data stealing aging app, he resigned as Health Secretary. Sunak’s letter said he was leaving because the government should be conducted properly, competently, and seriously. Which would only have been admirable if he’d added ‘and as part of the reason why it doesn’t I need to fuck off forever’. Javid said he could no longer in good conscience continue serving in the government, which makes you wonder at what point he gained one of those? Did he use all the tax he dodged with his non-dom status to perhaps buy one? Perhaps he was visited by at least 3 of the ghosts of all those people he told to live with a virus that killed them? It is hard to say but over the next few days, many ministers resigned from their posts citing reasons that had never bothered them before while happily serving and defending a Prime Minister that even Al Capone would likely have called ‘a massive piece of shit’. MPs like Lee Anderson, a man violently whittled out of a pile of the insides of chicken nuggets, who has previously said there should be camps to put poor people in, wouldn’t watch England play because they took the knee and blamed the BBC for a witch hunt because they reported Conservative MPs demanding a no confidence vote in Johnson. Him, yes him, spam Frankenstein, (or Frankenstein’s monster for you purists), said he had to resign as ‘integrity must come first’. It is impossible to write a joke that will be better than that, so just enjoy it for a second as it may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

Johnson refused to resign though, and it seemed for a while that we were days away from the entire government being run just by one man, and of course he still wouldn’t bother to turn up to Cobra meetings. I was wondering if it would be like one of those weird documentaries where they’d have to remove a wall and lift him out by harness attached to a crane, like a hilariously sad recreation of his famous zip wire photo. The Prime Minister said he had to stay as he had a 14 million mandate which is worrying as that’s an awful lot of lovers for him to pass public contracts onto after he shags them. Arf. He reshuffled the cabinet so Steven Barclay, the world’s most forgettable man, became health secretary, and Dr Robotdik Nadhim Zawahi was made Chancellor, because I suppose if he’s looking after the nation’s finances, he’ll have less time to fiddle his own. But then after appointing those ministers, a bunch of MPs told Johnson he had to go. Including Nadhim Zawahi, who obviously decided to wait till he’d been in the post a full day so he could use that pay-check to ward off HMRC. Until there is a ministry for corruption and carpetbagging Zawahi will never find a real home in government.

While rats left the sinking ship but hung around nearby to clamber back on board the remains as soon as the captain was dead and they could feed on his flesh, Boris Johnson had to face the Liason Committee. Government collapsed on the outside but inside the PM himself appeared to collapse, or rather deflate like poorly made cheesecake. He was barely able to answer questions which I suppose is no change from the usual. Except usually he’d shout something about what he had achieved even if he hadn’t, and this time it was like hearing a cassette die in the player. Johnson blamed the culture of sexual misconduct in parliament on some people not being able to handle their drink which is surely an admittance that he can’t either, or his sexual misconduct was all done knowlingly? He admitted to meeting former KGB officer Alexander Lebedev without officials present, thought to be fair nothing is likely to ruin Russia more than relying on Johnson to help them with anything. And it seemed he was considering a general election to save his position, as though the public would definitely vote for him while watching even his own MPs who were previously attached tongue first to his boots, now scarpering. Michael Gove told Johnson he had to go, which must be like being shouted at by a recently removed skin tag. In retaliation, the Prime Minister fired him before he could resign which ironically, is the first time the government had managed any levelling up at all. A small cable of hardcore supporters stood by him, but everyone knew it was over when Nadine Dorries, who’d fail an IQ test by constantly asking where Stephen Fry was, said she was behind Johnson 100%. By Thursday over 50 ministers had resigned which is the most under any prime minister proving that Boris Johnson is indeed world leading in at least one way. There weren’t enough ministers left to reshuffle the cabinet and it lay bare, with not even a civil servant able to run to co-op with a suitcase to fill it up.

Ever the conviction free narcissist who wrote articles for both the Brexit possibilities, on Thursday Johnson said he would leave and then depressingly remained. His resignation speech outside Number 10 wasn’t one, and instead focused on all the things he’d achieved. You know getting Brexit done which he hasn’t, the vaccine roll out which the NHS did and not him and helping in Ukraine which he’s mostly done by running away there every time there was a scandal in the UK and made the country safer because Russia wouldn’t want to bomb an asset. He thanked the peerless civil service just weeks after saying he would fire 91,000 of them, referred to Westminster as a herd which works I guess with how much bullshit he’s contributed to it, and ended by saying how sad he was to give up the best job in the world, even though he barely turned up to do it half the time. ‘But thems the breaks’ Johnson said, a US colloquialism that had I think, some poignancy to it. Because it is broken, all of it. Really fucking broken and we can see the breaks and wish he and the whole of Westminster would fall through them into lava so we could start again. Nadine Dorries and Johnson’s current wife Carrie, looking like she might at any moment vomit food into her babies mouth to feed it, they all stood together as though the Children of the Corn had aged and gave expressions that may have been of relief that now they could all bone each other with less scrutiny, or perhaps sadness that it wouldn’t be on a sofa so expensive and horribly designed that it’d hide all the stains.

The contest for a new Tory leader begins and Johnson will stay in place until they are chosen, a placeholder, a caretaker Prime Minister if you will. Which suits him as he upsets a lot of children, he blames everything on other’s meddling and could easily be outwitted by a big dog. A real one that is, not like the big dog nickname he was given which likely only ever referred to him shagging everything in sight and having terrible breath. A temporary cabinet has been put in place, filled with the very worst of people so that whoever takes over next will no doubt turn up to find most things on fire, computers replaced by crude drawings and a brand-new flat earth ministry using up all the funds. The temp Education Secretary is James Cleverly, which is like having Winnie the Pooh as minister for keeping honey safe, or you know, Nadine Dorries as Culture Secretary. Worse though is Under-Secretary of State of Education being given to Andrea Jenkyns, Violet Beauregard on crack, who raised her middle finger to the crowds outside Number 10 last week but defended it by saying they were a baying mob, and she was only human. So that’s two untruths. The crowd were largely people holding up pictures of their partners that died of covid. But then isn’t flipping them the bird the general attitude the government’s had to the bereaved from the pandemic anyway? And the pandemic? And education? And the NHS? You get what I mean. After Johnson’s speech, Jenkyns was heard shouting ‘he who laughs last, laughs loudest. Wait and see.’ Which is an indication that Johnson will likely do a shitload of nitrous oxide on his last night at No.10 while everyone else stands around him in silence and concern.

It was revealed that Johnson may have been refusing to quit because he had wedding celebrations planned, presumably delayed ones from his marriage to Carrie or could well be whoever he’s currently bonking reckons things are going well and he’s already promised them a contract to run all of Britain’s air. These celebrations were due to be at Chequers using public money, something James Cleverly defended by saying ‘people have wedding celebrations all the time’ so I suggest if you’re having one, do send the bill to him. It has now been moved to a different location, which I’m not certain is right as if there was going to be booze, dancing and partying doesn’t that mean it was definitely a work event? It is also in a strange way comforting to know that by being Prime Minister of a zombie parliament that cannot achieve anything, Johnson is likely to achieve exactly the same amount as he has done during the rest of his tenure. That is three prime ministers taken down by Boris Johnson so I suppose he is good at something other than breeding.

In order for the leadership election to start, the 1922 committee’s elections had to happen first because the only way a small group of Conservative members is allowed to decide who runs the country, is if a smaller group of Conservative ministers chooses who they can vote for. Democracy is great. Currently there are 11 leadership contenders, ranging from the ones people know and hate like Rishi Sunak, Sajid Javid, or everyone’s least favourite wind tunnel Liz Truss, all the way to the ministers who occasionally pop to remind you how awful they are like Kemi Badenoch whose like Susie Carmichal from Rugrats, if she grew up to be the worst person you’d ever met, or Penny Mourdant who is a cross between an ITV daytime show and a punch bag. There’s Priti ‘My fave children’s book is Heart of Darkness’ Patel, or Suella fucking Braverman if you want to elect someone who’s ideology is that they wish you were dead. There’s also utter pricks you’d hoped had fucked off forever but have come back like startled weasel Jeremy Hunt who’s running on bringing back fox hunting because rather than help people afford to live again, he thinks it’s best to allow them to chase and eat forest creatures in order to survive. Oh no wait, sorry only rich people can do that but maybe they’ll let the rest of us run alongside and have whatever the dogs leave behind. Ant and Dec’s dad Tom Tugenhat is running, because he was a soldier and knows how to control a country. That’s right, through fear, violence and nicking all the valuable stuff. Then, there’s complete unknowns like Rehman Chishtie who has appeared from obscurity to launch his leadership campaigns with pictures that make it look like he’s in the middle of having a difficult poo. Oh, and lastly there’s Grant fucking Shapps like the withered skin of a cup a soup if it had even less of a backbone.

So far most of them are running on a platform of being transphobic, probably because they are intimidated by anyone who knows what their identity actually is, though Shapps is the only one to say he thinks we should just let people get on with their lives. A good surprise but also then at odds with every other way the Conservatives won’t people get on with their lives like when they want to eat or not die of pneumonia, so it’s hard to take seriously. Especially from a man who should identify as they/them, not because he is non-binary or gender neutral, but on account of being 2-3 different people depending on what internet scams he’s running. The other area everyone is competing on is lowering taxes though some candidates like Zawahi and Javid are miles ahead already by not paying any themselves. There already overly long vacuous videos featuring Sunak saying how he’s from a family of immigrants so it must be that he hates his parents and grandparents which caused him to vote for all the current Home Office policies that would never let them in now. Or Penny Mordent’s which felt like either a parody video or an advert for paint, and included clips of murdered MP Jo Cox, without her family’s consent, and of paralympic murderer Oscar Pistorious as if to say she’d ensure more women were killed if she got in. Which, I suppose, would appeal to quite a few of their voters. There are fevered pledges from Braverman about leaving the ECHR, probably because human rights really get in the way of the kind of leadership she wants. She’s also complained that there are too many people in Britain who are of working age, who are of good health choosing to rely on benefits. True, which is why you should cut MPs salaries and expenses and stop them scrounging like that. Javid has been complaining that over the past few years the party’s reputation on most values and policies has slid away, so he’s going to be upset when he finds out about prime culprit for a lot of that is Sajid Javid. Jeremy Hunt has promised he’ll have peroxide attack dog Esther McVey as his deputy which can’t be a vote winner for anyone unless they’re pleased to here that she’ll have to be somewhere everyday which will reduce their chances of bumping into her. Oh, and Liz Truss keeps posing for pictures that make it look like she died years ago. Apparently, the list will be reduced to just two contenders within the next 10 days, though that will sadly be through democratic process rather than some sort of Squid Game. I’d definitely watch that over a panel where 11 absolute arseholes try to out racist each other like the country is an episode of Rough Island. Candidates will need the backing of at least 20 MPs to run in the first place though, which rules out a lot of them very quickly, especially Rehman Chishtie who’s only supporter at the time of recording is himself, and even he seems unsure. Currently in most of the opinion polls, none of the above is winning with the highest percentage, followed by don’t know, both of which would be preferred. Though I worry don’t know would avoid answering questions like the government usually do. It is a terrible selection. It’s like if you got a chocolate selection box only to find absolutely every option inside was a differently wrapped cat poo. Oh, and one caramel bite which isn’t as bad but is still awful. No one in this line up is the caramel bite though.

Johnson may be gone but….well he’s not. Not yet. He’s still there like a grotesque lardy lichen. Whoever is leader next will be as bad, if not, even though you might’ve thought it wasn’t possible, worse. But here’s some hope for you. Johnson was prime minister for a shorter time than his predecessor and living statue Theresa May. She was prime minister for a shorter time than her predecessor deflated balloon David Cameron. So whoever’s next will hopefully be in for even less time before their own party destroys them, then the next one, then the next one, then the next one, until there’s a new leader every 2 minutes and then they run out of ministers and someone else has to have a go. Now just to work out how we all go somewhere else while they do that.

In opposition news, Labour leader and that noise a car makes when it needs repairs personified Keir Starmer, and deputy leader and keyboardist for Jem and the Holograms Angela Rayner were both cleared by Durham police for what was known as beergate. Turns out the beer and curry they had as part of a pre-arranged meeting was work and not a fun event, something we all knew because Starmer was there and so would have been impossible. This means he doesn’t have to resign, something that will no doubt have upset not only the Conservative Party but also Lego head Wes Streeting who’ll now have nowhere to put all that leader speech energy he’s had for weeks. Maybe pop your hat in the ring for the Tory one Wes? Starmer has been unveiling his big vision for the party over the last week, which is so big that, yeah if you just squint, yeah, it’s just there. Can you see it? No, you’re right that is a reflection. Oh well. So far it has included plans to Make Brexit Work, which so far include 5 steps none of which including making it easier for people from abroad to come here, so I’m not sure who’ll do the work and it’ll probably just sit around till it rots and dies. Starmer has also pledged to remove charity school status from private schools and use the money to fund state schools. Which is good and something from the 2019 manifesto they said they’d be ignoring. Perhaps this is all a clever plan though? Say he’s rejected the way Labour were and all his pledges as leader, then do them all anyway because no one looks at things that happened more than a week ago. Starmer announced that the party’s focus is the sort of nation that Britain can be, and the sort of nation Labour wants it to be, which I think should align quite well somewhere in the region of shit, but not as shit as it is now, and still a fair bit racist. Britain needs a fresh start said the Labour leader and he’s right, it’s just that it needs a proper one where everyone involved in politics goes away and we start again from the beginning. Maybe they will provide an alternative to the Conservatives, not least because if Suella Braverman becomes leader she’ll be so far right being a Sir who doesn’t believe believe in democratic processes will seem left wing?  Maybe he’s not boring, he’s just tired. No, ok. Too much. Fine, I’ll go back to hoping Westminster Palace collapses before they even start repairs.

Across the world, former Japanese Prime Minister Abe Shinzo who had always reminded me of Yoda doing Elvis, was assassinated during a campaign rally before the elections to the country’s upper house of representatives. A truly horrific event and political killings are awful, and it seems particularly devastating for a country usually lacking in violence, or as according to ultra nationalist Abe without even a history of violence, as during his time as PM, he whitewashed most of the past wartime atrocities and push for rebuilding Japan’s army. So I suppose the most respectful thing the people could do to honour his memory, is forget anything happened at all. Meanwhile over in Sri Lanka tens of thousands of people stormed the residences of the President and Prime Minister after the country fell into bankruptcy. That of course could never happen in Britain, because the people in charge here have so many homes no one would know where to turn up to.

Lastly, Conservative MP and Roley in Grange Hill Jamie Wallis was found guilty of driving offences. Still, he’ll go far in the party for following their ethos of failing to stop a crash and then running away when it looks bad.

ADMIN

This podcast has outlasted three Prime Ministers. Can you believe that? It started back in Davey Cameron times, and we’re here now on the cusp of me having to find ways to describe Suella Braverman when all I can think of fascist Sesame Street character. I hope that isn’t the case. Not just for my podcast descriptions obvs but because it would be actually terrifying. So, it’s probably likely. I was going to do a run down this week of all the candidates for the biggest Tory country fucking prick shitshow championship contest or whatever they’re calling it, but it turns out some of the candidates might not be by the time you hear this and frankly after last week’s show going out of date about 7 hours after it was released, I wasn’t risking that again. Nuh uh. I’ll do one next week depending on who is left. And it doesn’t matter who’s left, it will be awful. I was in Sheffield last week at the brilliant Children’s Media Conference full of lovely people who make telly and online and well media for children and care about education and well children, just as all the ministers started resigning. It was both weird to be somewhere where I had stuff to do when all I wanted to do was stay glued to the telly, but also nice to be surrounded by people that also think he’s an arsehole. And then to sway between being so pleased the fucker would have to go, to realising if he stayed the Tories would be totally decimated at the next election, to fearing what comes next. It’s so unfair we don’t get to even enjoy a bit of it. I at least wanted his resignation speech to involve him crying a bit. Ah well.

Big thanks this week to James for the ko-fi donation and to Lynsey for joining the patreon. I have no idea quite how much coffee I’ll need over the next few weeks, but you know if you fancy helping fund the caffeine that means I don’t run out of descriptions for Suella Braverman, please do chuck something at the ko-fi.com/parpolbro or join the patreon.com/parpolbro. I mean it is also too hot for coffee. It’s sort of too hot to do anything and so apologies if this episode sounds, well, warm. Maybe ice your headphones before having a listen? Or drive your car into a lake? No sorry, that’s very unhelpful advice. Not everyone can just abandon a car like Jamie Wallis.

No interview this week as I had no time to fit one in, and the next few weeks will also be silly busy so I’ll do what I can but you might just get my shouts as per usual. Until then, enjoy the horror show if you can. I mean, I can’t, but you know…

FAKE TORY ADVERT ?

We’re trying to find the next worst possible person to lead the Conservative Party

The party will have a new glorious leader whose boots we will kiss even if they shoot a dog in the street, though preferably it will be while on horseback.

The nation will have a new prime minister to continue lowering the life expectancy of everything else.

We must choose this person with blinkered vision or we might realise there is no good choice here. Or even ok choice. Or even terrible choice. In an ideal world all the candidates would be put in a big pit with a lid on top and we’d all pretend we knew nothing about and move on.

We must choose not just for ourself, but oh no wait, sorry, as the Tory party that is all we base it on.

This leader will colour every aspect of our institutions, by underfunding them till they collapse

They will determine our ambition as a nation which will be mostly to make sure every other country hates us.

In this contest there will be a focus on policy and what they will say they’ll do but never ever actually do it.

But there must be focus on who we are. I have no idea, but last time I looked in the mirror I couldn’t see myself and then realised that was the windscreen as I drove into a tree.

It will affect both our reputation of our government and of our country, though as they are dead I can’t imagine it will affect it much.

These are the values of our country: Freedom, fairness, courage, having rivers of shit, lying about stuff, tea, racism and trying to make sure James Corden stays in America and doesn’t ever come back.

Conservatives do not have a monopoly on good people, and good ideas. Just on all the property and the wealth which means good people and good ideas can’t eat or stay warm.

We are the most successful party in our nation’s history because first past the post is awful and we have more money than anyone else.

Our greatest heroes include a lot of people who absolutely hate us.

Our greatest impact is when we manage to upset people of all generations at once.

We feel these values keenly. They are why we serve, ourselves that is, why we vote for ourselves, why we volunteer other people to do things for us, why we give others opportunity to have massive public contracts despite no relevant experience, why we want to be a force for good. Sorry, good lobbyists.

these values matter more now that at any time in our history because after the last 12 years of us, everything is really really awful.

They must be upheld by our leaders or at least said they will be

When it comes to leadership

We must change our approach. We need a return to confidence even though that’s the one thing they have far too much of. We need a return to clear policies or indeed just any policies.

We need more than just a plan. No actually a plan would be great. That would be a novelty. We need team work to deliver it so we can say that actually we did it instead.

So choose your leader not because you agree with everything they say

Choose them because you trust their motives or becasue they’ll definitely give you a peerage when you fuck up all of education.

Our leadership has to change. It needs to become a little less about the leader and a lot more about the ship, which needs a leader because otherwise it will sink and I’m that leader make it about me. I’m Penny Mordant and I wish you were dead and so do you.

END

And that’s it for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast, though you never know it may just hang around till Autumn to upset you. If you need this weekly despairing via the means of comedy and swearing in your life, then why not give someone else the gift of knowing it exists, not least because it’s a free gift and then you don’t spend money on something they’ll hate. You could of course also donate to the ko-fi or join the patreon and perhaps even give this show a lovely 5 star review on Apple Podcasts or a similar house of pods.

Nice one to Acast, my brother The Last Skeptik and Kat Day.

This will be back next week when in a surprise announcement, the last two Conservative leadership candidates have to fight each other with pugil sticks but Rishi Sunak hires someone else to do his and gets disqualified. While Liz Truss thinks hers is a big cotton bud and knocks herself out trying to pop it in her ear for a photo opp.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s episode was sponsored by Johnson remover. Have you got a Boris Johnson that just will not leave? Use Johnson remover. One squirt and the sounds ‘are you my dad’ will ring out across the abode, causing him to fly out of the window. Warning does not remove any stains that may be left on the country.

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