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Transcript

Ep289

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that definitely has the numbers, they’re just on another podcast stats site that you haven’t heard of. I’m Tiernan Douieb and llama with a tailor Rishi Sunak becomes the UK’s new, new Prime Minister just 4 days after the last one, he has carefully prepared for the role by being completely absent during every nationwide crisis since July.

Four days is a long time in politics, which is why if you were to carve open any member of the British public right now and study the rings its likely you’d think they were several thousand years old due to the rapid aging from politics that we’ve all suffered since 2016. Just a few days ago, momo meme but real Liz Truss was our shit Prime Minister announcing she was a ‘fighter not a quitter’ and then a day later, after just 44 days in the post, she resigned as though maybe she’d knocked herself out in a battle of wits, on account of not having any. Yes, she even u-turned on being PM. One weekend later here we are with a whole new shit Prime Minister, the other one no one wanted in the last leadership race, after avoiding nearly, sort of, getting the last shit Prime Minister no one wanted again because it turned out not even 100 arseholes liked him anymore. The only thing more depressing than the shop display of rotating turkey corpses we get to not choose a leader from is knowing that the July Conservative leadership election could’ve also taken just four days long and we could now be on our 18^th Prime Minister of the year. People say British production has been lacking for years, but right now we seem very good at making history every single fucking day. Infamous history of the type in 50 years’ time someone will see in a museum and weep at how awful it must’ve of been for the people subjected to it, but history nonetheless. As well as excess production of shitfuckery, abject chaos and batshit stupidity. It’s so weird nowhere wants to import that from us. Thank goodness for Prime Minister Rishi Sunak who has come to fix the economy, no doubt by just reading back what he did to it over the last few years and doing that again but in reverse. What a tolerant country we live in where a Hindu man from a middle class background could get the most powerful job in the country and all he had to do was go to a fee paying school, then Oxbridge, become rich off the global financial crash, marry into one of the wealthiest billionaire families in the world, tax dodge, help kill people in the pandemic by insisting they get £10 off Nandos and go back to work, wasted £11bn of the country’s money by paying too much interest on debt, let fraudsters get away with another £6.5bn, announce that he’d take more money off poor people, let the other Prime Minister be so shit she had to leave and then get voted in by a tiny fraction of Conservative MPs he’d promised jobs to. You see? In Britain anyone can achieve their dreams.

It is impressive when people rise above expectations, but perhaps even more impressive when they collapse violently below expectations as though they’d had a seizure caused by their heart being completely appalled at their vessel’s conduct. The past few days have shown some incredible collapsing below expectations. First on this list, is of course, Liz Truss who is now the shortest serving British Prime Minister, below George Canning who at least had the dignity to die while in office. Her downfall began, well probably at birth, but the most recent one following collapsing the economy in record time and u-turning on everything faster than a lazy susan between people who don’t like sharing, was a combination of an opposition vote on fracking, that might have been a confidence motion in the government, but no one was confident enough to say it which should have said it all really. MPs from other parties said they saw the Deputy Prime Minister and what if an out-of-date scotch egg was a person Therese Coffey, alongside a number of other bullying party members manhandling Tory MPs into voting, the sort of behaviour that is concerning to see from those supposedly running the country, not least because there’s only one Home Secretary position and they can’t all have it. The chief whip and deputy whip resigned and then didn’t, which if they’re unable to round themselves up to leave a job they probably shouldn’t be in it. Then a number of MPs said they were furious about the state of the party which must be the first time ever they were in line with public opinion, and then the brutal blow of what if Olive Oil from Popeye had the permanent taste of old lemons in her mouth Suella Braverman resigning from her job as Home Secretary. This came one day after she managed an all time low for her career that so far would give a limbo bar an anxiety attack, when Braverman blamed the weekend’s Just Stop Oil protests on Labour, Lib Dems, the Guardian reading, tofu-eating wokerati, and the anti-growth coalition that really should have ended with someone shouting ‘park life’, a rant that should have been the real reason she resigned. Not least because blaming protests on Labour is ridiculous when they’re a party that thinks the best way to curb climate change is to do nothing and hope it eventually gives up. But even Liz Truss’s government was too shit for Braverman, a woman for whom being too shit is usually an overachievement. Truss apologised to the country and said she had made mistakes, but would lead the Conservatives into the next election, which surprised everyone until they realised she meant by setting an example and losing her job first. Was it the apology, the one thing that is a forever a no no for the Tories, preferring to double down before ever admitting they did wrong? Or was it just that she was weird, no one liked her and she fucked up the country even quicker than they usually do? It’s hard to say, but Liz Truss truly emulated her hero of mushroom cloud with a scary face Margaret Thatcher, by getting totally buried. She stood at the podium, smirking as she resigned. There are rumours that Truss’s kink is as a submissive, getting off on being humiliated and what could be more debasing than have the world’s worst people tell you you’re too awful for them? I’m sure she’ll be getting off hard as her partner shouts ‘you weren’t even there long enough to put it on your CV, they should refer to you as a Supply Prime Minister’ while they give her a weak pound. What could be more humiliating than having a lower shelf life than the Daily Star’s lettuce, outlasting her despite voting romaine? The problem with this theory is it assumes Truss has complex needs, when it seems more likely she’d be entertained for hours by someone shining a torch on a wall. So maybe she was smirking because just knew that whatever was going to follow her, as is Conservative tradition, will somehow make us miss her at No.10? Or because she knew she’d now be entitled to a £115,000 a year for the rest of her life, can hand out peerages as part of a resignation honours list and could spend the weekend partying at Chequers with her supporters, so really more of a gathering than a party, before taking more days to leave No.10 than she should because she’s unable to find the exit?

So back to exactly where things were in July but with the country ten times worse off. It’s like a DJ playing Mr Blobby, pausing it 1 minute in to play sounds off someone scratching nails on a blackboard and people being sick, before then playing Mr Blobby again from the start underneath it. And yes, I do do children’s parties. Who would be the unity candidate everyone wondered as though a second Conservative Prime Minister the public haven’t actually voted for and will probably wish would die in a well would somehow unite everyone? Stepping up for a second chance at making anyone who still liked him change their minds this time, former Prime Minister and oh god who let Snuffleupagus drink bleach Boris Johnson said he was throwing his hat into the ring, and by hat I mean stupid bloated face and by ring, I mean clearly circle of hell. Could this be that we’d reached peak worst possible Prime Minister with Truss and we’d have to cycle backwards now through all the old ones, digging some of them up and stringing them like a puppet to the top of the commons to lead debates? I suppose they would likely only benefit dead people which makes them not that different to Tories who are alive and it’d be very funny when George Canning got another go and outlasted Liz Truss in office by double her run. But it was more that a large number of the Conservative Party and indeed the press would repeatedly walk into a large glass window many times insisting it’ll turn into a door at some point, and they could only see Boris Johnson as PM again as well, he did it last time. Besides he got all the big calls right didn’t he? I mean, the times he rang donors and they paid for his wallpaper or takeaways. Maybe the thinking was that he’d be the ideal leader for now as Johnson would probably let 150,000 more people die without even thinking about it and that way they’d be saved the effects of the cost of living crisis. While the rest of us knew that if Johnson was able to make a successful comeback he’d not have anywhere near as many kids, many of the Conservatives resident dunces piled out to jump to Johnson’s support. He’s changed, they said as he rang them from his 4^th holiday of the year to gather their support. The bossman is back, they said like henchmen from the Adam West Batman era, unable to realise they’ll just get thrown into a pit of alligators for a 2^nd time. He flew back from the Carribbean, something he couldn’t even be bothered to do for London riots, covid or any number of actual issues, and this time he even dressed for the job with one supporter saying he had his shirt tucked in. Wow, he really is a changed man and now he has the skills of a 6-year-old perhaps he could lead the country through a terrible crisis he also caused? Has he also wiped his arse properly and drunk all his milk? If so, we could be saved. He’s now Boris 2.0 said Walter Shite Nadhim Zahawi, because he’d learned from his mistakes. This is the same man that just two months before had said Johnson should go as the country deserves a government with integrity. As did many of the people now backing Johnson, who said honesty and dignity were important and so he had to stand down. But then just months later they obviously realised they didn’t have any of those things and weren’t going to get a government with integrity so they may as well get that arsehole again as he throws great parties while people die. Zahawi was right, Johnson had learned from his mistakes and realised he could keep doing them and wankers like Zahawi would still keep supporting him. It’s a bit like being offered a shit sandwich, or a sandwich with double layers of shit but comes with a free peerage, a blank cheque and the possibility of being ambushed by cake.

Johnson’s team said he had 100 backers, but they didn’t want to come out publicly, as I suppose, who would when it’d mean everyone would know that your best idea is a man who excels himself by actually getting dressed. But those 100 never showed, perhaps they were too busy working in the 40 new hospitals Johnson had promised to build. Johnson caused a furore all weekend, his dad and sister appearing on all the news stations to give opinions that no one wanted to hear and stealing all the press front pages as they hailed that he was back like if your uncle had just got out of prison and you knew he’d piss himself on the sofa and steal all your spoons, but at least he’s a familiar face. Then he dropped out, failing to reach anyone’s already rock bottom expectations. Standing was not the right thing to do, he said, no doubt because he prefers to be horizontal, usually with some intern. Could it have been that he realised he might get asked to actually do some work this time, or because the privileges committee is about to declare he lied to parliament and then he could lose his seat and we’d go through all of this all over again? Nadhim Zahawi with all the integrity of a piss in a tornado, claimed a day was a long time in politics and he’d now be backing Rishi, because you have to keep onside with whoever it is that’ll get HRMC off your back, right? Then it was down to Rishi Sunak vs Penny Mordaunt, like if someone gave cocaine to a shop floor fragrance spritzer, but even fewer people liked her. Whereas Sunak had over 100 supporters, including people like waxwork on a hot day Lord Frost who as we know, always knows what’s best for the country. Then decides it isn’t. Then decides it is again. Then isn’t. So, Mordaunt dropped out as last minute as possible because what’s a Conservative without incredibly high levels of self-delusion that it’ll all work out in the end somehow, and Rishi Sunak is now the 57^th Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. You know, for at least a week. Nothing says democracy like just over 100 of the worst people in the country deciding who can lead us.

Sunak hasn’t done a single interview since the last leadership election and suffered absolutely zero scrutiny, addressing Tory MPs only in private after winning and telling them there’ll be no early general election because why make it hard for himself now, when it hasn’t been at any point in his life? He gave a very short speech on winning where he spoke like someone had added his words into an online talking bot, or like siri had got ideas above his station. He said being Prime Minister was the greatest privilege of his life, which says a lot as he’s pretty fucking privileged. Very little other information but taking what we know,  who better to lead us through a cost-of-living crisis than a man who has £730 million in wealth and who is probably worrying that now he’s in No.10, he won’t be able to keep the heating on in the swimming pools of all his twelve homes? And as chancellor he got us through the pandemic, well those that survived that is. Isn’t it a shame how many must’ve caught covid from popping to Pizza Hut to get £10 off? Whoever did that should be really ashamed. Do you remember when Sunak said it was a mistake to empower scientists during the pandemic? I’m sure that sort of attitude will be really helpful during a climate emergency, as he funds bankers to tackle flooding by soaking it up with excess bank notes. What else can we expect from Sunak as PM? He told Tory MPs to unite or die, so we can only hope they don’t unite anytime soon. Austerity the sequel is definitely coming, where he’ll be cutting public services like he’s Jason Vorhees and the NHS is a kid on Spring Break. All the while he does heavily filtered Instagram pics outside a DIY shop while saying that British pubs are important and putting petrol in other people’s cars for photo ops. He has no mandate for doing that at all, and the public don’t want or indeed need it, it’ll likely cause thousands of deaths and decimate what’s left of our health service. But look everyone, the Tories have the first ever Asian Prime Minister so they’re very progressive really. Of course, a large part of the party didn’t want Sunak as PM either so who knows how long it’ll be till the next leadership contest and there’s every chance we’ll have to do all this again by Christmas. Still, it’ll be fun to see Boris Johnson have to leave another one of his holidays early for no reason again.

Luckily the Labour party are once again showing they are a government in waiting, by also degrading their values so low they wouldn’t be allowed near a clearing system. Labour leader and man who people turn the lights out on if he’s still in the office when they leave Keir Starmer told the TUC Congress that they will be the party of sound money, which means they’ll also make sure it disappears from public servies in waves. Or maybe they’ll just stay on whatever shit track they think is popular even though there’s more quality in alternative. Either way, it sounds much like Starmer’s plan is also for austerity but while saying sorry about it, which means up against the Conservatives where Sunak will tell you it’s a tough choice but he’s a brave boy for making you starve to death, Labour could well lose their lead. However, when it comes to other political areas the opposition are really stepping up to give people a choice. Yes, Starmer said between them and the Tories, there is not a great deal of difference on immigration except they want the best possible students to come here and there’d be no flights to Rwanda. Phew, so compassionate that they’ll still shoot dinghies in the channel and put people who’ve escaped war up in old barracks that were previously condemned. That is the compassionate change this country needs and I’ll sure the change will be as good as a rest. Not that we’ll feel that rested without being able to buy food.

The Public Order Bill passed last week, which Keir Starmer has also supported, and it’ll now mean that anyone who has protested in the last five years can be forced to be fitted with any necessary apparatus to monitor your movements. So you’ll be tagged if you complained, and even if you encouraged other people to protest. On the plus side, if we all protest all at once, and they tag us, then we do an evem bigger one, they’ll just get a terrifying radar screen where suddenly a ton of blips close in on them at Westminster like they’re under a missile attack but it’ll just be pissed off middle aged people with ‘down with this sort of thing’ placards.

So, we have a second Prime Minister without a mandate whose about to cut like a pissed barber, an opposition who want all the same stuff but in a different colour and if you protest you’ll be tagged which means you can’t go out anywhere, oh wait actually that sounds quite nice. You have to look on the bright side though, right? At least we don’t have Boris Johnson again and every time reasonably heighted journalists interview Rishi Sunak it’ll look like a scene from the Rings of Power which will be fun. Though I suppose it could also remind us of a better, less depressing battle for authority.

ADMIN

It was meant to be a short episode today! Waaaaaaaaaaah. Another fucking prime minister? There have now been as many prime ministers this year as Doctor Whos. Absolutely nuts. Sunak will be devastatingly awful. As would have Johnson or Mordaunt so I suppose it’s nice we can at least say the Tory party aren’t completely discriminatory into the ethnicity of who they let ruin our lives. It’s sort of progress while flinging us backwards into the abyss isn’t? It’s like demanding children work in factories while giving them one day off to celebrate Pride. Or installing access ramps into every public services building for those with mobility issues, while shutting down all public services. You get what I mean. In the words of the great philosopher Han Solo, I’ve got a bad feeling about this, so I can only hope Sunak has to deal with endless, endless brutal strikes and protests until he’s forced to call a general election where then Labour will lose again because they won’t have managed to capitalise on this properly at all and I’ll give up this podcast out of exhaustion. So, you know, there’ll be one positive for all of you. This is just a brief one this week as its half term and I have had to write this inbetween my agent, sorry daughter, very helpfully following me around the flat repeating every word I say back at me with total glee, so if you hear a squeaky echo on this podcast, then she’s snuck in while I’m recording. I’m sure this week will go quicker than a change of Tory PMs.

Oh, and I’m sure you’re on it, but if you have Apple TV because why not spend all your cash on various streaming platforms instead of eating, Jon Stewart’s The Problem is properly remarkable. I get really complainy about British comedy politics or satirical telly, and if you watch that, you’ll see how we have nothing that compares over her. Really funny, but then actually important round table discussion and grilling of politicians. One day we might manage it here, one day.

Enough of my complaining, have yourselves a good week where who the fuck knows will happen in the politics. Next week will be a guest and everything once again but till then, as is tradition….

LIZ TRUSS NAMES

How will the 56^th Prime Minister of the United Kingdom be remembered? Well, probably not at all really. Likely as some footnote in the next shit book by some wanker like Paul Staines. If Elton John was to make a song about her, it’d be called Fart in the Wind. It has been tradition on this podcast that when a prominent political figure retires, or rather gets booted out, that I reel off all the descriptions I have done of them on the podcast. So, I suppose I should do it for Liz Truss too, even though the only thing that was prominent about her was her overwhelming shitness and a vacant expression like she’d had her own constant power cut behind the eyes. It says a lot about her that despite trawling back through nearly 300 episodes of this show, I only have 48 descriptions of Liz Truss. Which is 4 more than the number of days she lasted at number 10. As you’ll see, they all have a common theme.

Liz Truss is a…

1. anthropomorphised brain freeze
2. lobotomised Helga Pataki
3. Elmer Fudd with hair
4. Wig on a rubber chicken
5. imagine if someone stretched skin over C3PO
6. marionette in a tumble dryer
7. a woman with all the charm of a multiple vehicle collision
8. Liz ‘If I don’t think about it at all times I forget I have a head’ Truss
9. inspiration for HeiHei in Moana
10. everyone’s least favourite wind tunnel
11. like having a conversation with an emptying bath
12. with her perpetual expression like she’s stepped on a rake because she likely has and then insisted on doing it again and again until the rake gave in
13. who’d get defeated by a revolving door
14. who I’m certain jumps every time the phone rings
15. a broken ATM of a person
16. Chuck in the Angry Birds game
17. what if Niles from Frasier had been embalmed
18. several time winner of best impression of a bird that’s repeatedly fallen out of its nest
19. vintage cartoon mug
20. the only person who’d weigh more if she lost her head
21. whose intellectual equivalent is a dropped bowl of cat food.
22. proof of sentient gas beings
23. the term birdbrain would mean she’d had an upgrade
24. bluebottle repeatedly flying into a closed window
25. living proof that a human can survive without sentient thought
26. bollard
27. the woman whose cranial department is like a fishbowl with a single bee stuck in it
28. failed Chris Lilley character
29. wafer cone
30. what it looks like when someone does actually switch off after work and during work
31. a woman with the air of air about her
32. Wobbly nodding head toy
33. only person who’s had an IQ test resign due to unfair treatment
34. plastic bag in slight breeze
35. bin bag in the wind
36. jelly mould
37. only successful result of a relationship between a human and an inflatable pool toy
38. smug bubble wrap
39. Tupperware with a face
40. Human bellows
41. the sort of person who gets thwarted by automatic doors
42. woman that were she replaced with a cardboard cut-out it’d be weeks before anyone noticed
43. someone who I’m sure has a head that rattles when she walks
44. helium balloon
45. 98% air 2% British cheese
46. vacant gumball machine
47. congealed silly string
48. annual Darwin award contender

END

And that’s all for this week’s brief little Partly Political Broadcast. Thank you for tuning in and if you still have some desire to hear how British society is collapsing but through the whiny voice of a distressed comedian, then please do recommend this show to others who may enjoy the same, if you can, donate to the ko-fi or patreon and please give it a nice shiny 5 star review on Apple podcasts or similar podcast shelters.

Thanks yeah to Acast, my brother the Last Skeptik and Kat Day.

This will be back to full length screaming next week when we’ll be in 700^th minute long Tory leadership election of the year as Boris Johnson insists he’s learned from his holiday from his holiday not to lie anymore and he definitely has every single human on the planet backing him, just not publicly.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was brought to you by Rishi Sunak’s recipe for success. Are you just an ordinary guy with an ordinary family and twelve homes and more money than the royal family? Worried you won’t make it to the top? Sunak’s guide to success can show you how anyone, and I mean anyone who has a very specific set of privileges can rise above the rest despite not knowing how to use a contactless card or fill up a car. With a few simple tips including ‘marry my very wealthy wife’ and ‘enjoy the suffering of people in poverty’ you too, can be more Rishi.

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