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Transcript

Welcome to a bonus mini-Christmas edition of the Partly Political Broadcast, the comedy politics podcast that wishes it had a mutant variant so it could spread to more listeners. I’m Tiernan Douieb and this year the Prime Minister and overly stuffed turkey Boris Johnson has appealed to hardcore Christians who always want more places closed for Christmas, by going over and above and closing the entire country.

In many ways the Prime Minister is just like Father Christmas in that he doesn’t give you what you want, has made sure many people have got the sack, only does work one day a year, has disappointed many, many children, keeps saying he’s not your dad and I’m sure as part of a Bullingdon Club dare has had to come down at least one chimney. It is just a few days till the big Chrimbo one and a mutant virus is plaguing the country, but as well as the Conservatives, COVID has gone more spready than a conspiracy about margarine. Daily infection rates are in the 35000s because it seems everyone wants the same gift this year and while the government insist its due to Corona 2.0, many virologists say actually this is the same shit we’ve had since September it’s just that it transmits more effectively than the government ever will. That meant that in the middle of the week the Prime Minister was insisting their relaxed coronavirus restriction plans for Christmas were all good, but everyone should take personal responsibility over the holidays. Which is a bit like Darth Vader telling people to look after their kids. Which is a bit like Boris Johnson telling people to look after their kids. The message was that you can still see everyone and their mum but really a smaller Christmas was a safer Christmas apparently, so great news for everyone at Legoland. Of course, Johnson didn’t want to be the Grinch Prime Minister meaning it was the usual vague indecisive messaging of ‘don’t listen to our relaxed Christmas restrictions, but do listen right now about how you shouldn’t do what we said before which we’re still saying you can do, but we don’t want you to do.’ Or something like that. Chief Medical Officer and what happens if you shine a bright light in the Rainforest Life centre at the zoo Chris Whitty kept saying that the key thing was to do less at Christmas, as though he doesn’t understand that is the entire point of the holiday you idiot. Even Home Secretary and Frosty the Snowwoman Priti Patel said she wouldn’t be seeing any of her family members this Christmas, though chances are high its because she’s already had them deported. After London was upgraded first because it always gets special treatment, the rest of the country’s tiers were announced and once again based on whether basic Subbuteo figure cast and Mayor of Manchester Andy Burnham lived there, had friends or family there or had ever heard about it in a film or a book. Johnson criticised Labour Leader and sled head Keir Starmer for even mentioning the notion of tighter controls, and accused him of wanting to cancel Christmas, which isn’t true. He’d probably have just wanted to abstain from it. The Prime Minister said he wanted to avoid a national lockdown but we all knew that like every other time he’s said that, it was just his way of saying that one was coming and he wished he could be on holiday while it happened.

But it was mere days before the Prime Minister was shuffling back to the press conference podium like a fast food chain mascot who’d just shat in their own costume, and announcing that Christmas relaxtion was cancelled. Proof that he’s a shit dad or like me, that would have been cancelled for him as soon as he became a parent. London and the South East, rife with cases, were rushed into the all new, never seen before except in Wales Tier 4, which was almost like lockdown but places of worship could stay open. I guess if you are going to meet your creator soon, it’s nice to give them a heads up that you’ll be coming to stay. No one in Tier 4 is allowed to mix with anyone outside of their household for Christmas Day, and across the rest of the country the rules allowing three households to meet is only for the 25^th only. Which is actually great news for most of us who after one day with all the extended relations are usually in need of an excuse to leave. There was chaos on trains leaving London as people tried to escape in probably the quickest way the government has ever promoted growth in the North. Health Secretary and pig in spam kit Matt Hancock said it was like the last out of Saigon and called it totally irresponsible behaviour which I think coming from him is like when a top chef approves someone else’s dish. Just weeks ago Hancock was saying that the vaccine meant they had the virus under control, but he admitted on Sunday that in-fact it was now out of control with the air of a man who’d boasted to everyone in sight that he’d be in charge of Christmas dinner even though they all knew he struggled to boil an egg. Then mere hours later had emerged with his fist deep into a scorched turkey and severe burns from cranberry sauce and everyone just rolled their eyes and were pleased they’d pre-ordered a takeaway.

Europe proved it does have a better sense of humour than the Brits, by taking control of its own borders and closing them to all flows of people from the UK for 48 hours, like a Brexit teaser trailer. Many other countries joined suit and the UK very quickly appeared world leading only in becoming a leper colony and nothing else. Long queues of lorries have formed near Dover as France closed the border, a situation already exacerbated by pre-Brexit stockpiling of trade, meaning drivers are stranded indefinitely which must make that Chris Rea track particularly fucking galling this year. I suppose it is part of the job to be in it for the long haul. Transport Secretary and something even the Gruffalo wouldn’t eat Grant Shapps, said that hauliers were used to anticipating disruption, which makes me wonder why they aren’t in government instead and Shapps could be stuck on the M20 flinging his piss out of the window instead of into policies. On whether this could cause a food shortage, the Transport Secretary insisted that goods tend to be insured if perishable so it’s exciting that we can all look forward to eating insurance for Christmas lunch. I suppose it is often a day of voluntary excess. If the notion of food being insured rather than eaten concerns you, then maybe you’ll be comforted by MP and Imperial Admiral on the Death Star John Redwood who responded to this crisis by saying that we import too much, which is an interesting view from a Brexiteer who’s mainly been pushing it due to all the global trade we could get. Redwood tweeted that we should grow more and make more at home, because yes, a great way to stop a current food crisis is for us all to wait until the summer for crops to grow. Also, I doubt he’d approve as there aren’t any Brexiteers that ever seem happy to reap what they’ve sown.

In the midst of all this, the European Parliament’s deadline to ratify a Brexit Deal before the end of the year has now passed meaning even if talks continue, no one will be around to approve anything before Jan 1^st. Still nothing to help us all lose weight in January like you’re meant to, quite like enforced severe food shortages. The smart thing would be an extension to the transition period which is exactly why it won’t happen, with Grant Shapps saying it would be ‘unconscionable’. Though again for a man who has the brain activity of someone on life support, this might mean that actually he’s for it. The SNP are calling for an extension, as is the Mayor of London, but Labour aren’t, saying that they’d prefer a deal as there is a worry that the public could think the party are pro everyone having enough to eat, which wouldn’t play well with baby boomers. And so here we are, as I record this on the shortest day of the year, which for 2020 still feels about 708 hours long. Many have been joking that it is now only 369 days till Christmas, but this is ignoring that Boris Johnson won’t continue to fuck things up so badly that by next winter we won’t even have a calendrical system and we’ll be living in a constant never-ending Monday in January. Actually, I’m positive about things really. I mean travel plans have had to be cancelled, the roads are all blocked and no one can spend Christmas with the people they’d planned to. It does sound bleak but perhaps it’s actually just the perfect set up for a country wide seasonal rom-com and it’ll be just days before we’re boning the Faroe Islands despite our hilarious differences. Who wouldn’t enjoy that? Well the Faroe Islands probably.

In other news the Chancellor and I bet he always played the barn animals in the nativity Rishi Sunak has said that home workers who have built up savings during the pandemic must go on a spending spree after Christmas, though with the travel ban and food shortages it’s not certain what on. Weapons? Things to board up your windows with? He’s married to a billionaire so if anything, he should lead the charge by dragging his family to eat out to help out constantly from January the 1^st, especially in the areas with the highest infection rates. International Trade Secretary and someone drew a grin on a sponge Liz Truss set out a new approach to equality in the UK, which based on her speech involves the government refusing to understand what it means and doing nothing to improve it. Which I suppose does mean treating everyone equally as shit. Truss said that tackling inequality should be led by facts not fashion, even though she’s always been prepared to embrace the exploitation of both. Her argument was that the debate was too often dominated by a small number of unrepresentative voices, which it is, just not the ones she’s thinking of as it turns out 95% of the trade advisor job appointments, she’s approved have been white men. But then again, working under her is an oppression of sorts, even if only of intelligence, so perhaps she is doing her bit.

As UNICEF have had to start providing food packs to British children for the first time, Amalgamation of all the characters in Nightmare Before Christmas Jacob Rees-Mogg said the charity should be ashamed of itself, which is a shock as none of us thought he was aware of being ashamed meant otherwise he’d surely have curled up like a dead spider under the self-awareness of every iota of rip off Disney villain he’s uttered in his life. Mogg called it a cheap political stunt and in a way, it is, as feeding kids is less expensive than a failed track and trace app for example, so maybe he’s just really miffed that UNICEF have their budgeting and priorities straight. Or more likely he doesn’t like the idea of children being fed as then they’d be full of energy and it’d be harder for him to catch them.

In France, President and Andrew Lincoln’s worst role Emmanual Macron has caught COVID, so its nice for him to end the year by giving France a positive they can all enjoy. Meanwhile, sentient goiter Rupert Murdoch has been given the vaccine. Weird, I’d have thought he’d want to catch coronavirus given how much he loves hacking. Keir Starmer has given a speech on devolution policy by saying he will set up a constitutional commission to offer a positive alternative to the Scottish people. Well, you won’t win them back by being rude like that. If you really want them to be more cheery you’ll leave them alone pal.

Lastly, but probably not, Boris Johnson and his fiancée and Lord of the Rings extra Carrie Symonds have volunteered to be part of the give someone a bell initiative to tackle lonliness. I’m guessing it’ll be work because whoever they call will afterwards feel grateful to be by themselves rather than have to spend Christmas with either of those two disastrous pricks.

QUICK ADMIN

Hey you. This is only a sort of mini-episode because how could I have not released something this week with all that’s going on. It’s odd isn’t it, that basically all of this was expected and yet it’s still bloody miserable isn’t it? Still look, I could very easily talk for hours on this about what absolute pieces of shit the Conservatives are but I wouldn’t be saying anything I haven’t already these past four years, though I know that Christmas is the time for repeats. Instead, my plan for this bonus episode was to try and release a little mini-positive episode, which I know, hasn’t happened so far, so instead here’s some selfish positivity and hopefully you can enjoy it vicariously. Due to being stuck deep into Tier 4, our Christmas plans to safely see the in-laws are now derailed, so that means this will be the first Christmas day in ages I don’t have to drive and can therefore start drinking from 6am and keep going till, well, April probably. Yeah good news! Sort of. Sigh. Look I hope you are doing ok, and I’m aware loads of people are probably going to be stuck home alone on Christmas Day, including my 95-year old Nan, which is bleak, but she’s got homecare and they already make up her bubble. She seems weirdly chill about it though and I do wonder if actually this is the first year she doesn’t have to see any of us and it’s a blessed relief. But look, if you aren’t my Nan and you’re by yourself then do take part in Sarah Millican’s #JoinIn on social media, there are tons of live online gigs by Always Be Comedy and Josie Long and Jonny Donahoe are doing one too. And while I will be dealing with an overexcited toddler on the day, I’m generally around so always feel free to email me or tweet me or just walk down my road shouting and I’m a nosey neighbour so I’ll definitely look out the window and mumble some swears about you being too loud. Also if you have kids and they are aware this year isn’t quite normal, then I’ve recorded a special 4 min Comedy Club 4 Kids vid with some of the jokes I’d usually have done at our live shows. Its on the Comedy Club 4 Kids youtube page and I’ve posted a link in the podcast blurb too. Hopefully they will enjoy.

Many thanks to Philip. Liz, Tom, Chris, Conal and Joe H for donating to the ko-fi this week, and to Nigel for joining the Patreon. You are all bloody festive champions.

Take care, just indulge in the laziest, most chilled Christmas you can, binge watch everything there is and every now and then turn on Mrs Browns Boys or the news to get so angry that your heart rate gets going and then you don’t have to go for a walk. There’ll be some bonus stand-up released later in the week but till then, have as merry a Christmas as possible and here’s a little message from Saint Nick:

SANTA’S PRESSIES FOR MPS

Hello-ho-ho Partly Political listeners, it is I, Father Christmas aka Santa Claus aka Saint Nick aka Beardo FatLad aka Big Nicky Chrimbo Shits aka El Chimney Shitter aka Red Pants Bastard aka Jolly Todger and anyway you get the idea. It’s me and let me just say I’ve never been gladder to spend a year self-isolating in the North Pole. I know the elves are there too but I don’t mix with them, come on, what do you take me for? The little fuckers have been trying to unionise this year because apparently, I don’t give them any holiday pay, but I said considering they work through the holidays they don’t need any. And they then said I don’t give them any pay, and I said well there’s shit all to do in the North Pole apart from constantly having to try and stop bits of the workshop floating away on melting ice caps or that one time a polar bear got in and ate half the staff and we had to keep unwrapping presents till we found the harpoon a small Finnish boy wanted. They want sick pay too, but I didn’t think they ever got sick, but they said they did and when they sneezed out coins, sweets or magic dust, that was because they were unwell, and not just a party trick and it wasn’t nice that I just kept laughing and asking them to do it again. I’m really not sure what they expect from me. I’m an old rich white CEO, it really wouldn’t be on brand to give a shit about my staff.

Anyway the reason I’m here is because it’s tradition to appear on this here show and tell you some of the gifts I’m going to be delivering to all your least favourite politicians this year. So-ho-ho, here we go-ho-ho. God I hate myself.

For Boris Johnson, I have promised to get him everything he asked for, but I’m not actually going to deliver any of it and tell him that having no present will indeed be wonderful for him. Actualy all he wrote on his letter was ‘Dear Santa, I don’t want to be Prime Minister anymore its just too hard and then something about the young intern at Number 10 and then some shit in Latin.’

For Priti Patel, the only woman colder than my home in the Arctic, I won’t even be entering the country as climbing down chimneys isn’t classed as skilled work, so I’ll be sending some elves disguised as tax dodging oligarghs to deliver all the presents instead.

For Rishi, I’m going to forget to get him anything at all and see how he likes it.

For Matt Hancock I’m going to get him a broken drone because he loves expensive tech that doesn’t work.

Dominic Raab usually just likes the boxes things come in. Liz Truss, more cheese, George Eustice another bloody pasty, Michael Gove a mask that covers his whole head, Robert Jenrick, 15 sets of house key trackers, Jacob Rees Mogg, one of those video monitors for his nanny to use for him.

Erm… Let me see, the leader of the opposition…he hasn’t asked for anything this year, he’s just left his letter blank. Weird. I thought he’d have wanted something. How unclear.

Joe Biden has asked for some strong disinfectant for when he moves into the White House. That makes sense, but oddly Donald Trump has also asked for some strong disinfectant. Hmm.

Right, I must get going. I’ve got to mysteriously disappear some of the elf union leaders in order to make the others calm down. I know the last thing you need after that year is for a man you don’t know to break into your house on Christmas Eve and give you the sack, but the fact is I haven’t been furloughed so leave the hand sanitiser out for me as whisky just isn’t strong enough anymore. Merry jolly staying at home and I promise to wash my hands after visiting every 10 homes or so-ho-ho.

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