Further Reading

Transcript

Ep123

‘And tonight at 8pm on BBC1 it’s the live Brexit Debate as Theresa May takes questions from three of her friends that she’s paid lots of money too so they’re already briefed on the answers. They’ve pre-recorded it so May doesn’t have to actually engage with anyone in real time so as you watch she can sit at home and skin a mouse with her nails for relaxation.’

‘And now on ITV1 Jeremy Corbyn is taking part in a Brexit Debate where he’ll be taking audiences questions and then answering all of them as vaguely as possible while shouting ‘general election’ after every other sentence. He’ll be joined by a panel of his own party ministers to provide an alternative opinion.’

‘On C4 now we go live to our Brexit Debate where Tony Blair will be taking on Boris Johnson though sadly not with weapons, as the two of them will verbally fight as a we ask an audience of people from the Middle East the tough question of who they trust least.’

‘And now on BBC4 our Brexit Debate as we show an archive episode of Top of the Pops featuring classic footage from Europe & Morrisey.’

‘Next on ITV2 it’s our Brexit Debate special where several past Love Island contestants run around Gibraltar in barely any clothing as an angry British bulldog chases them.’

‘Coming up on Channel 5: Is Brexit an alien conspiracy? Does the deal come from Mars? Hosted by Jeremy Vine entirely wrapped in baco-foil.’

‘Tonight’s CBeebies Bedtime Stories is read by Jacob Rees Mogg, as the fossiled magic wand with a face tells them a tale of fantasy and fiction that he’s written himself called ‘My Brexit Plan’ in a special 2 second long program to make sure your children never sleep again.’

‘On Fishing TV we now we cut to 4 men in waders trying to snag their first Nigel Farage in the Solent using the bait of just a dogwhistle.’

‘Actually, I think it’s a good deal and I’ll definitely vote for it.’ ‘Nooooooooo!’ Coming soon to Netflix: Stranger Things season 3.

INTRO

Hello and welcome to the Partly Political Broadcast, the podcast that laughs in the face of politics only for politics not notice because it’s too busy shouting at itself in a burning skip. This is Episode 123, I’m Tiernan Douieb and this week as Environment Secretary and pummeled elbow Michael Gove insisted everyone back Prime Minister and depressed toilet brush Theresa May, though he doesn’t say into what but judging by his record it’ll likely be pointed.

Cabinet minister after cabinet minister have lined up to promote Theresa May’s shitty deal with all the enthusiasm of someone putting the bins out. They know it really isn’t how they want to spend their time but it’s a necessity if they don’t want to cause a right stink indoors. Michael Gove said on the Andrew Marr Show that the deal is imperfect but it’s the right thing to do, which I’m pretty sure he’s used as a chat up line before, while haunted Morph and Home Secretary Sajid Javid backs the deal because it secures an immigration system that reduces net migration down to more sustainable levels. Yes, but only because, as I’ve mentioned before, no one will want to come here if it goes through. What is a sustainable level when Eu net migration is already at its lowest for 6 years? I’m pretty certain Javid is only going to be happy when he sees the puppets from the Dolmio ads carted off on a charter flight at 2am. But even if you think it is a good deal for a secure immigration system because you’re some sort of idiot, then you’re an even bigger some sort of idiot because the secure immigration system won’t even be revealed till after the vote on May’s deal anyway as Javid revealed. I mean, we’ve only been waiting for it for nearly a year. Wouldn’t it be ironic if he’s waiting for it to be delivered from abroad? Javid said it’s very unlikely they’ll be published before Dec 11^th in the same way its very unlikely the biggest change in 45 years to immigration rules isn’t going to be a good one especially when a skills based system is being put in place by people so under skilled they can’t even deliver a policy on time. In the same interview Javid said that seeing footage of a 15 year old Syrian refugee being bullied reminded him of the racist abuse he suffered at school, so perhaps in his mind if he kicks all immigrants out of the country he’s saving them from that sort of abuse because you can’t be racist to classmates if you’re only surrounded by vitamin D deficient, palid post Brexit Anglo-Saxons. Leader of the House of Commons and mother Andrea Leadsom has also backed May’s deal saying it’s the only one on the table which, as a mother, is pretty bad form as how are her kids meant to eat that?

And Chancellor and anemic Sam The Eagle Philip Hammond said May’s deal was the best way to leave the EU, before pointing out that there aren’t really any ways that would be as good as staying in in the first place. It’s not the best sales tactic I’ve ever heard. The best way to leave the plane is via the emergency exit but considering we’re 50,000ft up in the air, its not as good as just staying onboard. Hammond admitted that the UK economy will be hit under all Brexit scenarios, which is true if you exclude the scenario where it doesn’t happen, but he said that May’s deal would minimize the costs making the economy just slightly smaller. An economini if you like. It’s always great when the best thing you can say about a plan is that it will hurt less than other plans. Stick this in your eye, it’ll be less painful then me pouring lava on your entire lower half. This means May’s administration are the first government in the history of Britain who are willingly making things worse for the country. And knowing them, they’ll add to their list of achievements in time for the next Conservative conference.

Hammond’s comments were a teeny bit at odds with those of the Governor of the Bank of England and what if George Clooney really hadn’t aged well Mark Carney, who’s predicted May’s deal would leave the economy 3.1% smaller, which isn’t slightly. Oh yeah I’ve only had 3.1% of my body lopped off, I’m just slightly shorter now without the entire top of my skull. Carney did say thought that a no-deal would cause the worst crash since the 1930’s, with a huge rise in interest rates and a fall in house prices. Which made me feel incredibly shallow as I’ve always been against a no deal scenario but now I’ve heard that I won’t have to win the lottery just to buy a shed on Hanger Lane roundabout I’m almost keen…. Almost.

Now I know what you’re thinking, how can we check that what Mark Carney is saying is correct and not just some sort of project fear prediction? Well because twiglet with frostbite Jacob Rees Mogg has said that it’s Project Hysteria instead, which generally sounds a lot more fun as while project fear is a low budget horror flick, I’m pretty sure Project Hysteria was an enjoyable warehouse rave I went into in the late 90’s. But who will you trust? Mark Carney who’s in charge of the main financial institution in the country or Mogg who’s got so much faith in what he preaches he’s put a ton of investments in Ireland? Let’s face it, Jay-rees is prob most upset because going back to the 1930s is still several decades off his ideal.

Despite a tiny amount of support, May still hasn’t sold her deal to most MPs and yet another cabinet minister resigned on Saturday. Minister for Universities, Science, Research and Innovation and alternative Harry Hill Sam Gyimah quit after the Prime Minister announced the UK would be pulling out being part of the Galileo Satellite Navigation System. Yes once again, everything May does is a perfect metaphor for Brexit. Willingly paying £1bn towards a scheme we’ll have nothing to do with, making us directionless, mapless and completely out of orbit. But hey, rest assured it’ll all be ok as May says we’ll just build our own. You know using all the empty food cans we’ll have and by strapping it to a seagull.  So Gyimah left in protest and said the UK would be repeatedly and permanently  hammered for years to come, which I mean, yeah, that’s just standard Christmas drinking right? 

Ministers have released a summary of the Brexit legal advice which says the Northern Ireland backstop will continue indefinitely or until alternative customs union arrangements are made so yes, as I said before, indefinitely. They may as well have put ‘so this is in place forever unless I shoot lions out of my arse that land directly into the Queen’s bosom, all during a blood moon’. Attorney General and man with a voice only a villain in a space oddessy would have Geoffrey Cox, said this was a calculated risk, which likely means if you turn it upside down it says that you’re all boobs. Labour and the DUP have complained that the government are in contempt of parliament by not publishing the full legal advice, as they should do after losing the vote on it on November 13^th. So the government might now have to deal with that which is great as they don’t have much else on. Cabinet sources say the full legal advice contains stark warnings about the backstop, so, and forgive me if I’m reading too much into that wording, but stark warning? Backstop? They plan to build a wall that separates the North right? 

May spent part of the week taking her Brexit message to Scotland where she knew people would be so keen to hear it, her entire visit consisted of a couple of hours in one factory in Renfrewshire where they make leather car covers, so yes this could all have been a cover for May to collect her cabinet’s new skins. May said it is a good deal for Scotland, in the same way that some idiots reckon getting knocked down a few times and breaking your teeth supposedly toughens you up rather than just makes toffee hard to eat. Despite no one in the local area even knowing she was there before she disappeared again, and a Brexit deal generally being opposed by the majority in Scotland, the Prime Minister wished them all a happy St Andrew’s Day praising Scottish contribution to life in the UK. She is very much the sort of friend who’d send you a Christmas card for the first time in three years saying how you must catch up, while refusing to acknowledge that she killed and ate your cat while you were on holiday that time.

May attended the G20 in Buenos Aires over the weekend where she made all the impact of a fly on the windscreen of a car on the motorway, telling other leaders she had no plan B for if her deal didn’t go through. I mean fair play, when all your Brexit negotiations have worked so swimmingly so far, why start with backup plans or you know prep or anything at all whatsoever that makes it look like your even remotely giving a shit now? May had promised to speak to Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman about the war in Yemen and the killing of journalist Jamal Khasoggi and she did, using her meeting with him to mainly say ‘don’t do it again, you naughty boy’. I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it. That’s the sort of sturdy international leadership we can expect from May in our post-Brexit country. Hey Russia! You’d better leave Ukraine alone or you’ll have to stay an extra 30 minutes after class and promise to say sorry!

There are 5 days of debate over May’s deal in Parliament, with 8 hours of debate per day before a final vote on Dec 11^th. But before that on December 9^th Theresa May challenged Labour leader and uncollectable funko pop Jeremy Corbyn to a TV debate which the BBC agreed to. But Corbyn said he just wanted a head to head debate with May, something that ITV had offered, whereas the BBC format involved taking questions from a wider panel. May has accused Corbyn of running scared even though she’s the one that can only do a head to head if there’s several other heads on her side at the same time. Saying that, I like the idea of a wider panel because firstly that means that two leaders who don’t know what they’re doing with Brexit may be asked some direct questions by someone, and also it means that by not watching one channel I can avoid even more Brexit chat. I joke of course, I would totally watch it but er…hang on I’ll just check my diary… I’m busy that night…er….that’s right, screaming into a bin.

In other news, Labour MP and master of the perfect ‘I really wish you weren’t taking this picture of me smile’ Kate Osamor has resigned as shadow international development secretary after telling a Times journalist who doorstepped her to fuck off and threatening to hit him with a bat before throwing a bucket of water at him. Its always the way isn’t it that a front bench MP finally acts in the public interest and then has to leave. This was all due to an ongoing issue with her son and recently resigned Haringey councilor being convicted of having £2500 worth of drugs on him at a festival, and it coming to light that she employed him despite the conviction. But in the UK you are innocent until proven guilty and lets face it, its highly likely most involved in politics are just annoyed he hadn’t brought those drugs into parliament with him and now how are they meant to get through the Brexit Deal debate? She has been replaced by Dan Carden, MP for Liverpool Walton and what happens if you cross and apple with a baby. So that’s yet another resignation and quick replacement that proves Labour could indeed do as good a job as the current government.

Lots of Conservatives spent the weekend tweeting promotional pictures of them visiting foobanks, which considering the Tory party’s austerity cuts caused them to be needed, its bit like a hunter taking a pic with their illegally killed trophy. I bet most of the MPs had their rifles confiscated on the way in and special advisors pleading with them not to try and stand on top of a tired and hungry nurse.

UKIP leader and Emperor Palpatine Gerard Batton survived a vote of no confidence from his party over his employing of racist activist and cross between Aaron Paul and a potato Tommy Robinson, but they didn’t endorse Robinson’s position as an advisor. It’d be nice to think this is due to being opposed to the extreme far right but I suspect its more that the term ‘advisor’ horrified them as it might mean they’d have to listen to someone other than themselves.

136,000 French people have been taking part in protests against the rise in fuel costs. They caused a lot of damage and one death after setting fire to a lot of stuff, which, when you’re complaining about fuel costs seems a bit wasteful to me. And 41^st President of the United States of America George HW Bush died aged 94. He was the instigator of the first Gulf War in Iraq in 1990. A war that as so often happens, we all thought was pretty bad, but it was only after the even more pointless reboot by his son, we realized it could’ve been much, much worse.

ADMIN

Hey podchamps, I hope you are sufficiently stocked in salt and pepper to rejoice in seasonal greetings. I mean its December now isn’t it so its full on Christmas tat everywhere with no escaping it. All the shops are again piping out Mariah Carey not realizing that if she did get me for Christmas she’d be largely disappointed. I am already in present panic mode and have been scouring all the newspaper gift guides to see all the things no one I know wants. Every year is the same, page after page of things that really suit people that I don’t think actually exist. This year the theme in presents for him appears to be for men who like shaving while drunk. The theme for her is ugly pink stuff but also gin to cope with wearing it while everyone judges you. And then for kids it’s weird wooden shit that no child will like but let’s face it, they won’t notice either as they’ll be too busy playing Fortnight and hating you all day. Then again depending on how the next few weeks of politics go, maybe I should just buy everyone tinned goods and dried pulses like doing harvest at school. If I wrapped up each barley individually I reckon it’ll be funny as loved ones unwrap it, then really unfunny and then about 30-40 in, really funny again. What I do like is with my daughter being only 8 months she doesn’t yet understand Christmas or really toys. Today she spent her entire lunch flinging a piece of butternut squash across the room before breathing loudly into a cup for several minutes at a time. Oh god, I’ve just realized. She’s after Heston Blumenthal’s job!

Lots of pod admin this week so let’s get all the usual crap out of the way. Thanks to those of you who reviewed the show last week, especially the lovely written ones. It’s now on 128 on iTunes so only 72 before Apple Podcasts notice this show and wipe out every other podcast declaring the competition over and giving me a crown made of the tears of other podcasters. Or you know, they might feature it or something. So if you would like to review the show you can do it, not just on iTunes but also on many other pod apps or websites or on a form that I’ll hand to you at the end of a show with a pencil that looks like it’s been chewed on because it has. Should you wish to donate to the show too, please also do that with a one-off thingy at ko-fi.com/parpolbro or for a monthly thingy at Patreon.com/parpolbro and I will actually be putting something bonus up there soon but I might also then release that bonus afterwards to all podlisteners because you know, Christmas and the season for giving. Up. Or something.

A thing that I often forget to plug too, is that if you want to join my comedy mailing list about all the gigs and things I’m doing, then do sign up at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk as I’ll be sending my December T-Mail at some point this week which will have some info on a few last minute Frankie Boyle supports I’m doing this month as well.

But also last week I asked any of you European listeners out there to get in touch with your views on Brexit and two of you got in touch which was great. The partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com email account almost felt loved. Almost. Both listeners said I could read out their emails so first up is Eh-cart in Germany who wrote:

You asked what people in other countries think about brexit.
Well, of course I can only speak for me and the people I have talked to, 
but the consensus is, that Brexit is an incredible stupid thing to do. 
Mostly we struggle to understand why anyone would do such harmful thing 
to themselves. But for most of the time we do not think much about it. 
Donald Trump features much more strongly in our thoughts.
I am a bit of an exception because out daughter right is in University in the UK, so I started to have an eye on brexit just in case we have to have her extricated because of no deal and what may or may not happen…
Over time I started brexit became something of my favourite reality 
show. When reading about or listening to british politics I also get 
constant subtitles from “yes minister” and “yes prime minister” in my head.

So overall it can be fun in a black humor kind of way.
It also distracts me from some more pressing problems like climate 
change, rising populism, Donald Trump an Vladimir Putin

So nice to know it’s a distraction!

And Adrien in France sent in:

I am very interested in Brexit for 3 reasons : 

1 – Like US politics, it’s a real life soap opera.

2 – It is just good to know stuff about the world. Especially when it will affect the rest of Europe, possibly by either encouraging or discouraging other countries to leave, affect people’s of of the institutions, etc. Unfortunately, your crappy decisions affects all of us. 

3 – I lived and worked for 3 years in the UK where I contributed to a company pension scheme. Right now, there is no way to get the pension scheme money back to France, and I am quite worried I might never get it back, in which case your mess might have costed me £15,000 + 30 years of interest out of my retirement.

Thanks both for emailing in. Its both upsetting to know the personal effects it will have on people even outside the EU whether that’s to do with relations or real money being lost, but it is heartening to know that outside of the UK, and based on my case study of just two responses, people mainly treat it as a soap opera. Though I think the difference is, when a character dies in a soap opera, lots of fans send in flowers and cards. I’m not sure we’ll even get that as we weren’t well written or realistic enough. So thank you tons to Eh-cart and Adrien and look if you too are in the EU or even outside the EU and somewhere else in the world, Botswana I’m looking at you, then I’ll happily read out your Brexit thoughts in the coming weeks. Also thank you to Pete who emailed with an excellent long list of potential guests. More of that please too.

Which brings me to next week’s show. As you know, this show comes out on a Tuesday but the vote on May’s deal is on Dec 11^th, which is next Tuesday. So to combat that, I’m planning to release a bit of a podcast on Tuesday, looking at the week of debates on the deal and the televised debate, then a follow up on the Wednesday or Thursday about the deal vote and the fallout. So no guests, double the amount of Brexit, double the amount of podcasts. Sound fun? No, obviously not. Then all will go back to normal or as close as normal as possible for the week after, god knows what normal will be by then. This is all predicting that I’ll have anything remotely interesting to say or anything actually of note will have happened or maybe I should just work out what the audio equivalent of purgatory is and play that on loop until the new year.

On this week’s show there is something interesting to say, though I’m not saying it, but political analyser and pollster Keiran Pedley is and he breaks down what the polls mean for what may happen or may not or who knows and oh god why do we bother? Also, there is, of course, inescapable, endless terminal Brexit.  If this was a film, we’d at least get some sort of make a wish trip for the country about now but no, not even that. We can’t even get taken to Disneyland. And of course to kick things off, it’s:

HEADLINES

I’m proud to admit that I’ve been health tourist many times before. Every time I go abroad I eat vegetables, walk around and breath the fresh air. Of course, that’s not what a health tourist is, nor is it someone who wanders round taking pictures of people in the gym. Instead it’s a mostly bollocks term as people who come to the UK just to benefit from NHS care only cost around 0.3% of the entire health service budget. But still the government has been trying to crack down on health tourism rather than you know, actually fund the NHS, and this was stepped up yet again last week as the Commons voted to increase the Immigration Health Surcharge as of this month. The increase is being advertised as going from £200 to £400 a year for most migrants. But if you’re working in the UK on a 5 year Tier 2 visa then It jumps from £1000 to £2000 which is a pretty brutal cost just so you can’t get an appointment to see a GP for 6 weeks. It’s like paying for train wifi only to find that it worked at one station and the rest of your 4-hour journey you have to wince quietly while the person next to you takes up too much leg space. The Immigration Health Surcharge was brought in back in 2015, you remember, when all the awful results of government’s austerity measures were being blamed on people from abroad with absolutely no consequences at all. Nope pretty sure it made no difference whatsoever to anything. Trying to think…Nope. Maybe I’m missing something but I’m sure it just sort of washed away and petered out as a thing. Ahem.

Since 2015, the scheme has brought in £660m to the economy, and they’re hoping it’ll bring in a further £220m which you know, which is great as that’ll just leave a funding gap of just over £29bn, so that’s totally worth it to basically tell foreign visitors they have to cough up or die here. Immigration minister and woman who looks a lot like she’d try to bite you if you walked past her Caroline Noakes did the same old shitty thing of saying ‘it’s the national health service not the international health service’ which I mean, that is its name, but a lot of the NHS staff are international and with a system that’s currently experiencing a shortage of over 41000 nurses and over 11000 doctors it seems weird to say ‘please come and work for us and save people, and we’ll give you top staff benefits of having to fork out for even basic treatments, now don’t hang around sick people but also please be a nurse. Thanks.’ In order to make money for the NHS, this system is going to lose the NHS even more staff which seems like a hugely pointless endeavor.

The Migration Advisory Committee reported in September that EU migrants in particular contribute over £2k in tax more to the NHS than British workers. So, these workers are paying more tax and then being charged again with a fee that has increased 238% in just 4 years. So again those who bring most in will be driven away in a drive to bring more money in. It’s a nice way to advertise the UK right? Please trade with us, we hate your citizens more than we hate ourselves.

The Royal College of Nurses are continuing to campaign against the charge for NHS workers, and the Labour, Lib Dems and the SNP opposed the vote so it only just scraped through. All of which gives hope it could be fought against. But hey it’s all ok because once Brexit all kicks in they’ll fill all the places with UK talent that they haven’t yet trained up and while EU nationals will likely get hit by the Immigration Health Surcharge too, it won’t matter because we’ll rake in millions by becoming a niche tourist destination for patients who want euthanasia treatment but can’t afford Switzerland and by turning up to us and being neglected they’ll be sorted out within days. Phew!

INTERVIEW PART 1

A regular theme of the past few weeks of politics has been a general sense of cluelessness and panic only matched by me when I accidentally listen to Radio 1. Sorry, by weeks I mean months, no wait, years. As someone who follows it all, I’ve gained some confidence in being able to pretend I can explain what’s happening to people I know who ask, but in reality I’m generally just saying words in an order that I think sounds clever, knowing full well everything could be dramatically changing before I’ve finished trying to sound like Mr. Clever Trousers. But while little unqualified me is fearful of predictions, them pollsters are unafraid to try and guess the future, checking the weekly stats of who thinks who’s a better leader, or which party they’d vote for at an election or as I once had, and should pet owners who only feed their cats vegan food be prosecuted? Yeah that one wasn’t a political poll. But lets face it the answer is no, because what will happen is that cat will eat their face while they sleep in search of meat and that will be punishment enough as it is. It’s the sort of shitty thing cats would do. Pollsters got a bad rep after the EU referendum but then pretty much nailed the 2017 snap election on the head. So with all this turmoil can anything be accurately guessed now or is the future hazy? What does public opinion say about current happenings? And should we all just gamble away our lives on the worst possible outcomes and that way if they happen we’re still a bit happy because we can go on holiday and pretend it hasn’t happened, or if you win enough, lobby a cabinet minister to try to change it.

Keiran Pedley is a professional pollster and political analyst whose regular podcast Polling Matters looks at ways to predict what may happen based on opinion polls, facts and figures as well as being a dab hand at suggesting useful political bets to make. Which makes a nice change doesn’t it? You know from watching an endless torrent of programs where the same 5 people get asked why they still haven’t changed their mind since 5 minutes before when they’d reeled off numbers they’d just invented. So I thought it’d be good to ask Keiran what the current polls say about the future of Brexit and parliament, as well as a few tips on what to do should we want to make any gambles a lot less serious than the ones the government are doing.

EXCUSES EXCUSES

Ah yeah a very quick one as this week’s episode was recorded super properly but despite us both using all the equipment and recording like champs, Keiran’s track is a little glitchy at times but I made my wife listen to it all and she didn’t even notice so it could be that there’s no problem at all or she knew that by saying that it was the best way to get rid of me. Either way, hope you enjoy.

Here’s Keiran:

INTERVIEW PART 1

BREXIT FALLOUT

I’m not going to keep you long because this show has a short enough shelf life as it is without me sawing off the end, causing the sneaky elf to fall off and hopefully break its shitty tiny legs. THAT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE SANTA SPY! YOU’LL GET NOTHING FROM ME! What I mean is, there’s no point in me spending 10 minutes going through what bits of May’s deal means when it’s very likely that within a week it won’t be a thing anymore. We’ve all got better things to do than that. Well I don’t but you probably do. Not even one of you? Oh ok. Well look here’s a quick summary:

• The backstop could be indefinite, keeping the UK in the customs union forever, under May’s deal if no one actually sorts the Northern Ireland border issue satisfactorily once we leave. Basically if we had a competent government with actually good ideas ever then you might think ‘oh it’ll probably only last a year or two’ but no, we don’t so we’ll be in political limbo for eternity forced to eat mostly bland food and only watch Hollyoaks. I mean, I imagine that’s what limbo is like.
• The government lost a vote in the Commons on November 13^th which means they now must reveal the full Brexit legal advice to parliament. Except they haven’t, they’ve only shown a summary, so pretty much all the other parties even the DUP in a last minute moment of good that makes me wonder if they’re about to die. All of them have asked John Bercow the Speaker to launch contempt proceedings. If it goes through to a vote and the government are deemed in contempt then all MPs found guilty of it could be expelled or suspended from parliament. Which would be funny wouldn’t it because hahahahhaah they’ve only got days till the deal vote ahahahah then 21 days to sort out another deal ahahahah THEN NO TIME FOR ANYTHING. And what would it mean if the government aren’t around to do the Brexit bit? I HAVE NO IDEA. You’re welcome. It would be a constitutional crisis and the only thing I’m sure about is I’m buying some goddamn tasty popcorn just incase.
• And no, still no one really likes May’s deal. Especially Wales who’ve found out they’ll be at least £600m of funding down and who knows what will happen to 60% of their exports but I’m not going to buy them because I’ve already spent my money on popcorn.

So that’s sort of all until this week’s debates on May’s deal. But I thought I’d quickly tell you about two other areas of Brexit stuff, Brexuff if you like, or Brexit stuff if you don’t like. First up is fishing because fisheries policy seems to take up a lot of the chat even though its all a bit of a red herring. Arf. Fishing is only 0.5% of the UK economy. That’s it’s plaice, pretty small scale. Double Arf! So much of the conversation about it is that Britain needs to take back control of its waters but we export most of the fish we catch and import nearly all of the fish we eat from outside the UK because many of us have wee’d in the sea and don’t want to risk it, probably. The biggest fish issues, or fishues, aren’t controlling our waters but the fish trade. Being outside the customs union means all fish products will have rules of origin requirements and being outside the EU could face major tariffs which will affect the fishing industry making much of it no longer cost effective. Also the fish processing sector employs over 14000 people most of who are EU workers, who May would class as low skilled and therefore no longer allowed in the country. So unless loads of Brits want underpaid stinky work then that industry could collapse. Plus when it does come to controlling our waters its not just the EU fisheries policy that controls us but the United Nations Convention on the Law of The Sea which sounds like something Triton has put in place. But Article 62 enforces that states ‘give other states access to the surplus of the allowable catch’ but you know how do you work out an allowable catch when fish don’t use passports and would put two fish fingers up at border control. So really this demand for access is a load of old codswallop and if they really want to protect the UK fishing industry then the government would stop carping on and try a different angler.

The other Brexuff bit was the Galileo satellite navigation system. You’ve probably heard this week that the UK has completely pulled out of it on account of the European Commission deciding that if we stayed part of it we’d be barred from full access. I’m not sure what bits that would be but if it’s just the different accents you can get it to tell you directions in, I think that’s ok. The overall cost of Galileo is £9bn and the UK has contributed £1.2bn to that, and its due to be launched in 2020 with civilian and military variants because you know, its pretty hard taking a tank down a one way system. It’s the military bits that the UK would be barred form, as the British army was meant to get access to encrypted services from 2026 but the EU’s suddenly realized that hang on, maybs you shouldn’t be getting all them freebie secrets if you won’t even let us work somewhere as unexciting as, say, Basingstoke. May has said that the UK can just build its own one which technically, we could though according to the UK Space agency it’d cost at least £92m as well as the £1.2bn we’ve already wasted but hey, what else would we use that for? I can’t hear your answers sorry, there’s a very loud giant red bus outside. The other option is that the UK collaborates with other countries who are part of the Five Eyes intelligence alliance, a group that is not just for two people and a pirate. But who knows what sharing of info or cost that’d require. It’s all a big shame because I feel like right now Theresa May could really do with some guidance on the best route to take, even if it involves a lot of u-turns.

I hope that explains those two things that may or may not be things in but a few days. Next week: THE DEAL. Get that popcorn ready. 

And now back to Keiran:

INTERVIEW PART 2

Thanks to Keiran for the chats. You can find Keiran on Twitter @keiranpedley and his podcast which we mention in the chat is called Polling Matters and I regularly listen because it’s just very good political observations and predictions based on them polls and history and you know, things that aren’t just made up by an idiot on social media. It’s very good indeed so do check it out on all of your favourite pod apps. Or even just one of them. No actually sod that, put it on 4 different pod apps at once, each in a different corner of the room and then hit play at the same time and sit in the middle so you can feel like you’re surrounded by analysis like a less rock and roll Flaming Lips album. Or more rock and roll, if like me, sitting down without having a child wail at you is the most exciting thing you can imagine doing.

Next week there might be a guest, who knows, but I will still need guests at some point in the future and ideally I’d love to chat to someone cheery for the last show before Christmas like last year’s conversation with Sarah Corbett at Craftivists. So if you have any recommendations for something not entirely doom laden, hey a bit of doom laden is fine for Christmas right? Then let me know. And of course anyone completely doom laden, or even doom ladel, spooning the er, doom soup, is good for next year again. And you can tell me about any of those recommendations by contacting me @parpolbro on Twitter, the Partly Political Broadcast group on Facebook, the contact page on partlypoliticalbroadcast.co.uk or email at partlypoliticalbroadcast@gmail.com. Or you could engrave your suggestion onto a potato and send that to me in the post but I worry it’ll get all pulped together on the journey and I’ll assume it’s just a load of old waffle. So probably, as always, just best to email.

END

And that’s all for this week’s Partly Political Broadcast podcast. Hat tip to you all for your superb listening habits and please don’t forget to review the show on all your podcast downloading dens, donate to the Patreon or ko-fi and just tell everyone you’ve ever known to listen in, shout it at the bus driver, send the URL on a round robin email to your office with some sort of crude gif that may get you fired, write it on the side of your dog with pet friendly dye so everyone in the park complains about you to animal welfare. Do or perhaps don’t do most of those things.

Big thanks to Acast for letting this train of noise stay on its pod platform, to my brother The Last Skeptik for all his background beats, to my amazing other half for doing the other voices on the intro bit because I’m not THAT good, and to Kat Day for typing up the linear liner notes every goddamn week.

This will be back next week when the government will have decided the best way to sell May’s deal is by telling everyone its better than being dead, only to be contradicted by several of the Lords who have evidence to prove them wrong.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This week’s show was sponsored by brand new British satellite system ‘Pull In And Ask Someone’. If you need directions just pop this high tech, £92m technology into your car and it will tell you to wind your window down and just ask someone, why are you too embarrassed to do it we’ve been lost for hours just admit it we’re lost’. Several different voices are available for the device from nagging partner, condescending parent and for the learners, creepy driving instructor. Plus for an extra small cost we’ll throw in a pothole detection service where you’ll know exactly which collapsing roads to avoid because you’ll feel a really uncomfortable bump when you drive over them. ‘Pull In And Ask Someone’ because there’s no driving force quite like stubborn ignorance.

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